It Was So Cold (How Cold Was It?)

It Was So Cold…
(How Cold Was It?)
January 2, 2018
DougMaynard.com

Currently, here in the ‘Burg, (that’s Laurinburg, NC for all of you non-Scotland county folk), we’re experiencing a cold snap unlike anything we’ve seen in many many years. Tempatures are in the low teens and singles during the night and only barely reaching freezing during the day. This is the south. We’re not supposed to have this cold weather. It’s cutting to the bone and just damn cold. How cold was it? Glad you asked. It was so cold that…

It was so cold . . .
we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

It was so cold…
hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

It was so cold…
roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

It was so cold . . .
when I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!

It was so cold . . .
the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!

It was so cold . . .
kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pyjamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

It was so cold . . .
the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!

It was so cold . . .
pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm!

It was so cold . . .
the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

It was so cold . . .
I chipped a tooth on my soup!

It was so cold . . .
Grandpa’s teeth were chattering Рin the glass!

It was so cold . . .
the dogs were wearing cats!

It was so cold . . .
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

It was so cold . . .
Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!

It was so cold . . .
the rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.

It was so cold . . .
we had to chop up the piano for firewood – but we only got two chords.

It was so cold . . .
we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!

It was so cold…
kids stopped worrying about acne. The new problem – goosepimples!

It was so cold . . .
when we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows – we got chocolate ice cream!

It was so cold . . .
words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!

It was so cold . . .
the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits – just to get them running!

It was so cold . . .
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.

It was so cold . . .
we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

It was so cold . . .
the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started! Then…

It was so cold . . .
when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs – or keep them running in place!

It was so cold . . .
people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!

It was so cold . . .
the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.

It was so cold . . .
terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!

It was so cold . . .
the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!

It was so cold…
beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!

It was so cold . . .
my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!

It was so cold . . .
UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!

It was so cold . . .
I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!

It was so cold . . .
Throps and Squallhoots were constantly hugging!

It was so cold . . .
Richard Simmons started wearing pants!

It was so cold . . .
the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters!

It was so cold…
Mr. Smith’s toupee turned white for the winter!

It was so cold…
Mr. Bumstead’s toupee took off and migrated south!

It was so cold . . .
my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!

It was so cold . . .
people stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes!

It was so cold . . .
the muggers were phoning in sick!

It was so cold . . .
a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

It was so cold . . .
when I got sick – Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!

It was so cold . . .
the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!

It was so cold . . .
the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!

It was so cold . . .
people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!

It was so cold . . .
we didn’t clean the house – we just defrosted it!

It was so cold . . .
you could pick up used vans cheap down at “Ice Cream Vendor Surplus”.

It was so cold . . .
my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!

It was so cold . . .
Pamela Anderson was downgraded from “hot” to “tepid”.

It was so cold . . .
down at the city morgue, you couldn’t tell the stiffs from the guys who worked there!

It was so cold . . .
we had to put superchargers on the electric blankets!

It was so cold . . .
if you peed your pants, you’d either have to have them chiseled off or be stuck in them until the spring thaw.

It was so cold . . .
we had to push the house down the street to jump-start the furnace!

It was so cold…
when I needed local anesthesia – the dentist told me to stick my head outside!

It was so cold . . .
Ben and Jerry branched out into the igloo construction business to utilize unsold blocks of ice cream.

It was so cold…
everyone wanted to make antifreeze – so we hid her woolly pyjamas!

It was so cold…
the men didn’t trim their moustaches and beards – when the hair got too long, they’d just break a little bit off!

It was so cold…
a kid could die of suffocation – ya can’t breathe with frozen boogers!

It was so cold…
we had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside!

It was so cold…
the kids at school were using flannel notebooks!

It was so cold…
my moustache shattered when I laughed!

It was so cold…
Boy Scouts were offering to de-ice little old ladies!

It was so cold…
you needed defrosters – just to have a good cry!

It was so cold…
forget about the car starting – the block heater wouldn’t even start! We needed heaters for the block heaters!

It was so cold…
I had to sleep with a block heater strapped to my head so Mom could get me moving in the morning!

It was so cold . . .
a flasher rushed up to poor Mrs. Flannigan – and described himself!

It was so cold…
we couldn’t go outside, so we played with our ball and bat in the living room. We invented “vaseball”! Now we’re in the dugout.

It was so cold…
the kids had to stay inside all weekend. Parents are now organizing a “teacher appreciation day”.

It was so cold…
a comedian was rushed to the hospital after being pelted with frozen tomatoes!

It was so cold…
kids’ grades seemed to be improving at school – when you apply the wind chill factor, a 57% looks like 93%!

It was so cold…
the barbershop was doing a booming business in thermal hairpieces!

It was so cold…
we had to wear so many layers of clothing that if you fell down, you just had to stay there until somebody found you and rolled you home!

It was so cold…
that desperate attempts to warm up resulted in several cases of deep-fried fingers!

It was so cold…
a man stumbled into the coffee shop and yelled “Perk me!”

So yeah, it’s cold. And there you go. Now you know. Thanks for reading. Thoughts and comments welcome. Jokes courtesy of http://www.athropolis.com. Until the next time, stay warm. Love you – mean it.

Ubuntu!

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New Year – New Me: Resolutions For 2018

New Year – New Me:
Resolutions For 2018
January 1, 2018
DougMaynard.com

Good morning and welcome to 2018, a brand new year and a brand new beginning, not only for DougMaynard.com, my site, but for the man himself, aka “Me!”. Don’t you hate that, how people always start off the new year with all sorts of promises and proclamations about this and that and how since the last number for the date has changed, all of a sudden it’s a new start and they’re a different person and blah, blah, blah! I hate it too. Well, hate is a strong word, but it does get kind of annoying. I would never, never, ever do that.

Or would I?

Since I have a little time to kill before I head out to do my volunteer stuff, I realized that this would be a great time to see how hypocritical I can be and make a few New Year resolutions. It’s the start of a new life, a new beginning, etc. Hell, it’s just stuff that I know I need to change and be better with, but for whatever reason, mainly my procrastination, mixed with my anxieties and fear of all things new and different, keep me from doing. Maybe a little laziness too, but I’m not admitting to that part of it. I don’t have time to be lazy. I need a freakin’ nap.

So with all of that in mind, what I think I’m going to do here is list a few changes that I’d like to make in my life and maybe, just maybe (naughty girls need love too!) – Sorry, I just had a Samantha Fox flashback moment. I had her poster on my bedroom wall. I’m gay. That tells you just how hot she was back in the day. Not quite George Michael, during his WHAM! days, but still, she was a looker. Now, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, I’m going to list a few resolutions for the new year, the year of our God, 2018. Some are serious. Some are not. Some, I shall strive and work hard to achieve and accomplish. Some, I shall blow off, something I’ve been told I’m quite accomplished at, and within the next forty-eight hours, they shall be naught but a faded memory. That sounds really bad, doesn’t it? I’m going to keep all of these and accomplish each and every one of these in the following year. I am determined. I am proud. I am woman – hear me roar! Hmmmm… forget about that last one. I’m all man and proud of it. Ask your ex-boyfriend. He knows.

And to put some controls in place and to keep this from being all over the place (too late), I’m going with a tried and true established format. We’re talking “Shades of David Letterman” Top Ten style. Yes, a “Top Ten List!”. And you probably thought I was going to go with doing the Dougie, didn’t you? Nah, despite the name, I’m far more of an “Electric Slide” type of guy. Let’s do this and to really make it true and original…

From the home office in New Haven, CT…

Top Ten Dougie Resolutions For 2018…

10. Finish the stories I have started writing and are sitting alone and neglected on my computer. The Avengers, Dr. Druid, The characters from Dark Shadows, the covert group known as the new “Freedom Force”, Cloak and Dagger and so many more, will be highly appreciative. They want their stories told and I need to finish up and do it.

9. Lose weight. This is one that everyone has and I’m not an exception. I’m not too bad right now, running about 230, but I need to get rid of this belly. Hell, a few years ago, I was up to 338 lbs and thanks to the miracle of diabetes, I lost most of that. I’m not quite an elder version of Taylor Lautner yet (yum), but I’m trying. I want to lose and I’ll work on that, but so long as I don’t gain, I won’t complain either.

8. Find someone to love. Sex is easy, especially with stuff like Meet Me and other social media, but I don’t care about sex. I want someone to trust, respect, be with, hold, talk to and to fill the emptiness and major void that is in my heart. I hate being alone, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to settle. I’ve done enough of that over the years and when I look back, oh vey! I’ve met some amazing people and have some great stories I could tell, but that’s not what I need or want. I’m too old for that kind of crap. Somewhere out there, be it man or woman (but preferably man), my soul mate is waiting. And this year, I’m going to find him.

7. Clean my room. It’s not dirty per say, but a little “lived in” and messy, yes, it is. I have books everywhere and other items I’ve picked up over the years and well, my pack-rat nature is taking up a lot of space. I need to just go in there, box up the books and donate them to Habitat, put my old notebooks and magazines in the attic (or the spare bedroom) and turn my room into a bedroom again. I also need to clean out my desk, but I think that just setting it on fire might work better.

6. Get out of the house & socialize. If it was up to me, I probably would never leave the house at all, except to work and maybe go grocery shopping when the food supplies get low. It’s not that I don’t like people, but my anxieties get all worked up at the very idea of having to talk to people, make conversation, be sociable, etc. Now I understand why I used to drink so much. It was my crutch and made interaction with others easier and enjoyable. Now I just go in there, exposed and raw, for everyone to see and it’s scary. Some people can do it. I get anxious going to get the mail or trying to order a pizza over the phone. But I used to have friends. I used to be very sociable and part of the group. I was always doing something and was on the go. I was happy. I need to be happy again and staying here in the house, hiding from the world isn’t going to do it. I need to get out more and just be me. And I will.

5. Write the “Tossing Salt – Worldwide News” column again. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a full column. It’s been a while. I’ve gotten spoiled by doing the site here, with either shorter wrestling pieces, aka the “Fact or Fiction” or the “Q&A’s”, but I haven’t been focused on a long, real and insightful wrestling column in quite a while. You should always dance the the one who brought you to the dance and for me, it was pro wrestling and “Tossing Salt”. I’ve been neglectful and distracted. I need to change that.

4. Take better care of myself. Now that I finally have insurance, I’ve already taken the first steps with regular Doctor appointments and treatment for my diabetes, as well as medication for my cholesterol and blood pressure. The next steps are getting my eyes fixed and the dentist. I plan on being around for a long, long time to come and I need to be in peak condition if I’m going to be here, right? So I’m working on that.

3. Start returning phone calls and text messages promptly. I am the world’s worst about this and it’s not because I don’t want to talk to anyone because I actually do, but the thought of speaking on the phone, even to someone that I love and respect and enjoy talking to, just puts my nerves into a frenzy. Once we start talking, I’m okay, but the build plays havoc with my mind. And then, if I’ve delayed a call or returning a message already, there is that anxiety that adds on to the original anxiety and the delay and procrastination just gets longer and stronger. I’m better than this though and the people who reach out to me deserve better than this.

2. Go to a concert / live wrestling show. I started thinking about it and I love live music. I love live wrestling events. And it’s been far too long since I’ve attended or been to either. That will change this year. Even if it’s just a local Indy wrestling show (Hey Kipper… that’s a hint, my friend) or someone singing over at St. Andrews University… or even the Elvis impersonater that performs each week at Captain Larry’s… it doesn’t matter. I need to start getting out again and events like these will be a great way to start.

1. Be happy. Whatever it takes, whatever I have to do, I am tired of being sad and depressed and all funky like a monkey. I’m Dougie and this is my world. It’s going to be a good and happy place for me, my brother, my friends and whoever else wants to tag along for the ride. I used to be “the Man!”. I will be “the Man” again. And 2018, it’s a great time to start. ‘Nuff said!

And there you go. My resolutions for the upcoming 525, 600 minutes of my life. I might not accomplish them all, but at least I’m going to give it a try. And what more can one ask for, right?

And with that, I’m closing this up and putting baby to bed. Time to head out and do that “Food Lion” thing I do each Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thank you for reading. Thoughts, comments and any suggestions about ways to make this life a better one are welcome and appreciated. And I will reply. Until the next time, stay warm and safe. I’ll catch you later. Happy New Year!

Ubuntu!

@00 @ a jay & silent bob