Tossing Salt – Worldwide News Presents:  WWE Monday Night RAW – 2/24/14: Thoughts and Observations

Starting off RAW with Hogan. And I admit that I’m marking out big time. Never been a fan of Hogan, but glad to see him home. I hope we get the Wyatt’s coming out to interfere. Hogan plugs the WWE Network. Yeah, whatever! He’s taking credit for the launch of the network. That Hogan ego is alive and well… brutha! He’s “the host” of Wrestlemania XXX. He kept it short and to the point. As long as they keep using Hogan like this, I can deal with it. Still wish we had seen The Wyatt’s though.

Already tired of the WWE Network plugs. This is going to be a long night. Please shut up Michael Cole. Hey JBL, clothesline his ass! Daniel Bryan fights Kane tonight. Good. And Brock Lesnar might be here. That means he’s here. Bootista fights Del Rio in a rematch from last night. Let the jeers and boos begin. I wish we’d see Juventud Guerrera and Disco Inferno crash the match and have a dance-off. Please!

It’s time for Del Rio versus Batista. Loud boos for Batista as the music hit. Batista has a pointy head like a smurf. This match is sucking ass! The crowd isn’t into it at all and neither am I. Glad I have a Facebook account (facebook.com/saltpalace) to check out while this match goes on. Del Rio has taken control and the fans still don’t seem to care. Does anyone want to buy a Cabbage Patch doll? I have six of them (the originals) from 1983. They’re cool… and a little creepy. This match is really blowing chunks. Listen to the boos. Orton comes out and we have a distraction. Del Rio wins and then vanishes from site into off-camera limbo. I hate it when they do that, but I guess we can’t let the man celebrate his victory when the Boring Brothers need to speak. Randy rubs it in that the fans don’t much care for Batista. CM Punk chants fill the air. Batista says that he loves the business and he loves that the fans have a voice. He doesn’t care what the fans do. It’s called being real (in wrestling?). Batista says all that matters is Wrestlemania XXX and calls Randy names. I’m so bored now. Batista talked and I could feel my eyelids getting heavy. I forgot to take my nap today.

Big E versus Cesaro is next. This should be a pretty good match. I need something to wake me up and make things interesting. WE THE PEOPLE!

Why does Big E. have chalk on his hands? Wouldn’t that be a foreign object, kind of like the salt that the Japanese wrestlers once used? If you get a chance, listen to the Steve Austin podcast with Dutch Mantell (Zeb Colter). It’s really good. Cesaro and Swagger are damn good. Big E. has the look, but just doesn’t do it for me. Nice “We The People” chant to start. I’m ready to see Big E. take that swing. Maybe it’s just me, but the matches so far seem to be a bit off as if no one can get that chemistry and in-ring magic going. This is way better than the first match though. Of course, I watched my cat chase her tail and that was better than the first match too. Big E. is a stong dude. Impressive backbreakers, but slow to follow up. Michael Cole just called Eeyore “Igor” (but with an “E”)… someone doesn’t know their “Winnie The Pooh. We’ll start calling Hornswoggle “Piglet”. I wonder if we’ll have a William Regal sighting tonight? These guys are both good and the spots are impressive, but they really don’t seem to have any chemistry together. It seems as if they’re moving in slow motion and over-thinking their match instead of actually wrestling. Vince and HHH can NOT be happy backstage. I love those uppercuts that Cesaro uses. Best ones since the days of William Regal to be honest about it. I think we’re going to see Swagger interfere and cause a DQ. Okay, I take back what I was saying. This match is picking up and getting better. Swagger tried and he fall down and go BOOM! Swagger came in and caused the DQ. I called it. Cesaro isn’t happy. Time to tease that break-up. WE THE PEOPLE! The ending was cool! Winner by DQ is Big E.

John Cena is up next and he’s talking about The Wyatt’s. Now I think it’s time for thinks to slip into second gear and pick up a bit. I wish there was some way for Mae Young to show up and show her puppies. Wait, no I don’t. That’s kind of twisted, even too much for me. Where is Queen Kong when you need her? Or Sable. Same difference. By the way, if you ever get a chance to see the documentary for “G.L.O.W.”, be sure to watch it. Very good and available right now on Netflix.

It’s time for some Thuganomics. John Cena is here. Mixed reaction from the crowd. I hope he’s serious and we don’t get any “poopy” jokes tonight. Cena’s kissing Hogan’s ass. Big surprise, right? More plugs for the Network. The future is now. Yada yada yada! To be the future, go through him and prove it. Cena is calling out Bray and the family. Snap! Bray is a creepy dude, but I like him. And I love that song. Another great promo by Wyatt. John Cena is a liar! And we get a Wyatt Family beatdown on Cena. The fans chant “Yes Yes Yes”. Will we see The Shield save Cena? CM Punk chant. Wyatt’s play hit and run tactics and lay Cena out. FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS! A decent segment, but it just seemed a little off to me, as almost everything else has so far tonight. Bray and his “family” are probably the best thing in the WWE right now not named Bryan, Punk or Ryder. Love the promos and love the music. Just didn’t care for the in-ring confrontation. I wonder how often Bray calls up Kevin Sullivan for inspiration and ideas?

Okay, it looks as if Superman may have a messed up knee. Work or shoot? Cena was carried out on the stretcher so who knows? It’s action time as we get to see Christian (Captian Charisma) versus Sheamus. Brad Maddox made the match earlier today. Now we (should) see some good action and a good match. I love it when Christian is a heel. He’s got a rat-face, but he’s awesome and I will always and forever be a “Peep!”. Sheamus is covered with bruises from last night. Who says that wrestling is “fake” had better think again. This match is good, but the crowd seems restless and uninterested. Things are picking up though and it seems that the crowd is starting to take notice. The power of the peeps. This match is okay, but not as good as the one they had last week on Smackdown. Fans are into it now at least. When did Sheamus start using the Texas Cloverleaf? Dean Malenko must be proud right now. Sheamus with the kick and the win. Good match that went a little long, but ended up satisfying.

More plugs for the Network and the RAW pre-show. We get to see a pre-show confrontation between The Authority and Daniel Bryan. Bryan wants a fight. And we get the tease for Bryan versus HHH at Wrestlemania XXX. I hope not. How about in the WWE World Title Match instead? Stephanie shouldn’t be the one going face to face with Daniel though. She’s about three inches taller than he is and that just doesn’t look good. How about Daniel Bryan versus Steph? Nah, maybe not.

Black History Month and we get a promo for “The Soul Patrol”, Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas. What about Rufus R. Jones? What about Porkchop Cash? What about Viscera, who just passed away a few days ago? That would be more appropiate. Have we even seen any mention of Nelson Frazier’s passing yet? I don’t think so. WWE needs to step it up. And what about Rocky King? Can’t forget Rocky King.

We see The Shield bickering and arguing among themselves. Looks like Ambrose is butt-hurt. It’s the Wyatt’s and they’re in the face. Later tonight, we get Roman Reigns versus Bray Wyatt one on one. We go to Josh Matthews who is with Booker T and Ric Flair and they’re plugging the pre-game show. Booker is looking forward to seeing Roman versus Bray. Flair wants to see what happens with Cena and when Daniel Bryan fights Kane. Flair does the “Yes Yes Yes” chant. That just doesn’t look right. I wonder how much they paid him to do that. Woooooo! And it’s time for action again.

Daniel Bryan versus Kane. The fans are into it and doing the “Yes Yes Yes” chant. If Daniel Bryan and Zack Ryder were to form a team, we’d be hearing “Yes Woo Yes Woo Yes Woo… You Know It!” chants. I don’t want to hear that. I thought we would be seeing Undertaker and maybe Brock Lesnar tonight? I guess they’re saving that towards the end of the show. Why the heck not. You know who I’d like to see come back tonight? Stevie Richards and Victoria. The crowd would go nuts!

Corporate Kane versus “Duck Dynasty Mummy Man” Daniel Bryan. I was hoping Kane would break out the red tights, but instead, we get slacks and a t-shirt. Oh well. This should be a good match. Good match psychology as Kane goes after the arm while Bryan goes after the leg. Take the big man down and take out a wheel. Works for me. For an “older superstar”, Kane can still go with the best of them. Daniel Bryan is probably the best “take a beating and come back” babyface since the days of Ricky Morton. I wonder how a tag team of Daniel Bryan and Drew McIntyre would work out? The crowd is really into D. Bryan and this match. They’re alive! They’re alive! A hurracuranna by Bryan. What the hell! A new move and it looked good. If Daniel Bryan had his own clique, it would be a “Goat Dynasty”. Bryan kicks out of the chokeslam. Very nice! And Daniel Bryan wins with the flying knee. Damn straight! Good match and good win for the Bearded One.

And now Daniel Bryan talks. He calls out HHH and calls him a coward. Bryan wants HHH at Wrestlemania XXX. Bryan could make a good motivational speaker. Looks like Daniel is in the CM Punk spot and won’t be going after the title. I think that might mean we’ll see Brock go after Batista and Orton? Guess we’ll know before the end of the night. They just confirmed that Brock is here and that we’ll be seeing Bray versus Roman in the main event. I like it. Summer Rae will be wrestling next. And Fandango is with her. All right everyone. Time to get up and dance!

We get a Batista speech this Friday on Smackdown. I have to remember to miss that. I love to watch Summer and Fandango dance. And here comes Santino and Emma. I think I need to go get a drink or a sammich! This girl is… odd! It’s Summer versus Emma. I’ve got to say it! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! They’re making a “Marine 4”. Okay, I wonder who’s career this one will destroy? Watching these women wrestle, I miss Ivory, Lita and Molly. Hell, I even miss Nidia. She was so “white-trash hot!”. I’d even rather be watching a Steve “Mongo” McMichael match. Emma-lock and Emma wins. Last year, everyone was “Fandango”-ing. Now they’re all Emma”-ing.

Hulkamania is running wild! We get a replay of Hogan saying that he’s the hostest with the mostest. I wish I had a twinkie. Coming up is another rematch from last night as The Uso’s take on The New Age Outlaws. Is this for the title? They didn’t say, but if it is, I smell title change. Or maybe that’s just the cat’s litter box? Nah, it’s definitely a title change in the air tonight. Am I right? Guess we’ll find out next.

Nobody got an entrance. Must be short on time. Road Dogg has the mic and has to do that whole DX intro thing. Two words that never get said as The Usos attack and get the quick pin in record time. The Usos win. Damn skippy. More plugs for the Network. Somebody loan me $10.

And now, we’ve got The Shield! Well, one of them anyhow. Roman Reigns is all alone and ready for action. It’s Roman versus Bray next. This should be great and I’m actually tingling with anticipation. At least I hope that’s what it is. No commentary during this match because I just want to watch Bray and Roman beat the holy hell out of each other. I think we’ll see Ambrose get involved and further widen the rift between the members of The Shield. Did JBL just say that Bray looks like an “ugly possum”? I think JBL owes possums an apology. Yeah, I decided to do commentary after all. Husky Harris chants by a few idiots in the crowd. Someone needs to introduce those assclowns to Sister Abigail. These guys are working stiff and I like it. There’s a great “old school” feel to this match, but then again, both Roman and Bray would fit in very well in the old school “territory days” anyhow. But they’re both from wrestling families so I guess that’s to be expected. The family is here. The Shield is here. OINGO BOINGO on the outside and we’ve got everyone in the ring. Ambose went after Bray and I think he got Roman DQ’ed. A face-off and they cut to the back. That was pretty cool and I think… I know I want to see more. How about all six men… in the cage on RAW next week? One can only hope.

It’s Brock and Paul Heyman. They’re in the back and they’re coming to the ring. Next week, they’re in Chicago. Time for make or break with the CM Punk stuff. Time for Brock to either challenge Orton and Batista or else challenge the Undertaker. Given how much time is left, it’s probably Taker. But maybe we’ll luck out and get him in the title match. If not, there is still hope for Bryan. Heyman is and has always been gold on the mic. Brock doesn’t need to talk. Just stand there and look like a bad-ass. Brock looks like he needs to get some sleep. Brock has an open contract for Wrestlemania XXX and can fight any opponent. Brock doesn’t want the consolation prize – he wants to conquer history. I guess that means Undertaker. Paul talks about history and say no thanks about the open contract. And here comes The Taker. The fans go nuts! How long does it take him to get to the ring. Hurry man, hurry. Brock looks intrigued. Taker looks… like Taker. Nose to nose and this is a great moment. Taker looks at the Wrestlemania XXX sign and Brock nods yes. I think we’ve got a match. Brock signs the contract and gives Taker the pen. Heyman talks trash and Taker stabs Brock with the pen before choke-slamming Lesnar through the table. And the lights go out, the gong plays and we’ve got a match as Taker leaves the ring and leaves Brock laying.

That was awesome. This was a pretty damn good edition of RAW. It started off slowly, but the matches ended up being pretty decent and the show at Wrestlemania XXX is starting to take shape. We didn’t get to see Miz or Dolph or Kevin Nash and they forgot to announce the next name for the WWE Hall of Fame (Paul Bearer and / or Scott Hall) which sucked, but still. On a scale of 1-10, I’d give RAW a solid “8” for the night.

And “dat is all de’ people need to know!” I’m gone!

Ubuntu!