12 (Dougie) Days Of Christmas – Day 4
Beef Jerky, Swamp Monsters and A Christmas Story…
December 12, 2017
How you doing? It’s Day 4 and yes, I know that this was supposed to go up yesterday, but guess what? It just didn’t happen. Yesterday was a long and very busy day, going from 5:30am until just a little past 11:00pm when I fell asleep on the couch and sitting down and relaxing (and writing) just didn’t happen. My apologies. So that means today, we get two Days of Dougie, Christmas style. Yay! Are you excited? I know I am. Well, actually, I’m more ready to go back to bed than actually excited or enthusiastic about anything, but I know that if I do give in to the urge, nothing (and the Rock says, “Nothing!”) will be accomplished today. I just had a flashback to the Attitude Era of the WWE. Good times. Let’s figure out what the topics for today are and get this over with, shall we?
From the “Magic Bag”, the Christmas themed one, we have, “Write A Christmas Story!”. Oh vey! That doesn’t sound like the quick and easy piece I was hoping for. I guess “quick and easy” is the guy I was talking to on MeetMe a couple of nights ago. Very sexy! But I can do this. It’ll probably be lame as hell, but I have to do what the “Magic Bag” tells me. That’s the whole nature to this blog series and the “Days of Dougie” concept. And should I draw another topic from the real “Magic Bag”? Of course I should and that topic is, “Swamp Monster”. Okay then. Not sure how that is going to work so let’s draw one more and hope for a winner. And we have “Beef Jerky”. Yeah, that’s a keeper too.
I think I mentioned that the fun about this whole thing is the randomness of the topics and how I don’t know what I’m writing about until I actually get ready to start writing. And sometimes, we get something good and it’s fun and entertaining for me and other times, it’s more of a challenge and probably will stink to hig heaven. Guess where I think this piece will be going? Oh well… I’ve always appreciated a good challenge and to keep this from stinking worse than Daniel Otunga or Booker T on commentary (mandatory wrestling reference), it’s going to be a doozy. Can someone just shoot me now? Let’s do this…
I love Slim Jims. Does that even qualify as “beef jerky”? I’d rather not read the actual ingredients and find out because I do actually like the product and would rather not know exactly what it is that they’re composed of. I’m sure that there is beef in there somewhere. And pork, chicken, cat, possum, squirrel and lots of crazy chemicals that keep it all fresh and tasty. And would Slim Jims even truly count as a form of beef jerky or would that just be the stuff in the packs that never seem to go on sale when I have that craving and the whole bag vanishes far too quickly when I want just “one piece”. I guess they’re all one and the same or at least close enough that it really doesn’t matter. They’re in the same section at the grocery store so that counts for something, right?
By the way, disclaimer time here just in case any legal minds are reading this and represent the Slim Jim company. I don’t actually think that there is cat, squirrel or possum meat in their products. That’s just a joke so don’t sue me. We all know that the only place to find good cat, squirrel or possum is at the Chinese restaurant on the buffet table next to the fried rice and egg rolls. But damn, it is so good. I would love me some Sweet & Sour Chicken (wink, wink) right now. What’s that meowing sound?
And I can’t really think of anything worth saying about beef jerky that I haven’t already touched upon. Yeah, I’m slacking here. I do that sometimes. Oh yeah, I just remembered something. Way back when I was with Dairy Mart, we had a sales rep come around trying to sell us a variety of different meat sticks (insert sexual joke here) and that was pretty cool. It was jerky made of buffalo, alligator and something else. I tried them and they were actually pretty good. And I’ve also tried, in the past, jerky made of deer meat. It’s okay, but every time I think of deer, I want to scream out, “Oh my God, you killed Bambi!”. And then someone else can add, “You bastard!”. It’s great fun and the producers of South Park really like it when you do that. The people at Disney don’t, but they’re controlled by an evil mouse so who cares.
So what was I saying? Jerky is good and I like it, but I prefer real beef stuff and not the other animals that should be in animated movies or National Geographic series and not in a plastic wrapper getting eaten. I want a Slim Jim. Snap into it. And now, let’s move on.
Does anyone else even remember the “Lizard Man” from South Carolina back in the late 80’s? Whatever happened with all of that. For those of you that don’t remember or know of what I’m talking about, I’ll try and explain. Better yet, I’ll post the Wikipedia entry for the so-called creature. Here you go…
“The Lizard Man is generally described as being 7 feet (2.1 m) tall, bipedal, and bulky, covered in dark green scaly lizard-like skin. It is said to have three toes on each foot and three fingers on each hand. The creature has an incredible degree of strength, more than capable of ripping into a car. A few witnesses have reported seeing a tail, although in the majority of cases, a tail was not seen.
The first reported sighting of the creature was made by Christopher Davis, a 17-year-old local, who said he encountered the creature while driving home from work at 2 a.m. on June 29, 1988. According to his account, Davis stopped on a road bordering Scape Ore Swamp in order to change a tire which had blown out. When he was finishing up he reported having heard a thumping noise from behind him and having turned around to see the creature running towards him.
Davis said the creature tried to grab at the car and then jumped on its roof as he tried to escape, clinging on to it as Davis swerved from side to side in an effort to throw it off. After he returned home, Davis’ side-view-mirror was found to be badly damaged, and scratch marks were found on the car’s roof, though there was no other physical evidence of his encounter.
“I looked back and saw something running across the field towards me. It was about 25 yards away and I saw red eyes glowing. I ran into the car and as I locked it, the thing grabbed the door handle. I could see him from the neck down – the three big fingers, long black nails and green rough skin. It was strong and angry. I looked in my mirror and saw a blur of green running. I could see his toes and then he jumped on the roof of my car. I thought I heard a grunt and then I could see his fingers through the front windshield, where they curled around on the roof. I sped up and swerved to shake the creature off.”
Chris’ father, prompted by a story that ran in the newspaper of a strange car mauling, brought his terrified son to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office on July 16, 1988, at which time he told his story to Sheriff Liston Truesdale.
Strange car mauling
Prior to Chris Davis coming forward to report his encounter, the Lee County Sheriff’s Office was called to the scene of a strange instance of vehicle damage. On the morning of July 14, 1988, deputies made their way to the residence, which was located in a small rural community known as Browntown on the outskirts of Bishopville, South Carolina. When they arrived, homeowners Tom and Mary Waye showed them the vehicle in question. Police found that the chrome molding had been torn away from the fenders, the sides of the car were scratched and dented, the hood ornament was broken, the antenna was bent, and even some wires from the motor had been ripped out. Upon closer inspection, it appeared that parts of the molding had actually been chewed, as if an animal had used its teeth to inflict the damage. To further support the animal theory, the Wayes pointed out clumps of reddish colored hair and muddy footprints that had been left all over the car. While Sheriff Truesdale was investigating the car, locals informed him there might yet be another, more bizarre possibility. “While we were there looking over this situation, we learned that people in the Browntown community had been seeing a strange creature about seven feet tall with red eyes,” Truesdale said. “Some of them described it as green, but some of them as brown. They thought it might be responsible for what happened [to the car].”
In the month that followed the Davis sighting there were several further reports of a large lizardlike creature, and of unusual scratches and bite marks found on cars parked close to the swamp. Most of these are said to have occurred within a 3-mile (5 km) radius of the swamps of Bishopville.
At the time, local law enforcement officials reacted to reports of the Lizard Man with a mixture of concern and skepticism, stating that a sufficient number of sightings had been made by apparently reliable people for them to believe that something tangible was being seen, but also that it was more likely to be a bear than a Lizard Man.
Two weeks after the Davis sighting, the sheriff’s department made several plaster casts of what appeared to be three-toed footprints – measuring some 14 inches (36 cm) in length – but decided against sending them on to the FBI for further analysis after biologists advised them that they were unclassifiable. According to South Carolina Marine Resources Department spokesperson Johnny Evans the tracks neither matched, nor could be mistaken for, the footprints of any recorded animal. Evans also dismissed the possibility that they could have been made by some form of mutated creature.
The sightings attracted tourists interested in seeing the creature and hunters interested in tracking it, and nearby radio station WCOS offered a $1 million reward to anybody who could capture the creature alive. However, reports of the creature began to decline at the end of the summer with the last credible sighting of the year being reported in July.
On August 5 Kenneth Orr, an airman stationed at Shaw Air Force Base, filed a report with the police saying that he had encountered the Lizard Man on highway 15, and that he had shot and wounded it. He presented several scales and a small quantity of blood as evidence. Orr recanted this account two days later when he was arraigned for unlawfully carrying a pistol, and the misdemeanor offense of filing a false police report. According to Orr, he had invented the sighting in order to keep stories about the Lizard Man in circulation.
On July 30, 1990, Bertha Blythers and her five children witnessed a strange creature near Scape Ore Swamp as they drove home from a restaurant in Bishopville. At approximately 10:30 p.m., they crossed over the interstate and were nearing the intersection of Hickory Hill Road when suddenly a large figure appeared out of nowhere and lunged toward the passenger side of the car. In a statement given to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, Bertha described the creature as being tall, wide, and having “two arms like a human.” She could only see it from the waist up, but there was no question that it was “big.” She was not able to make out any clear facial details in the short time it was in front of her, but she was quite sure the body was covered in brown hair. “I never seen anything like it before,” she told the police. “It wasn’t a deer or a bear. It was definitely not a person either.”
So it was all real and supposedly true. I remember this being big news and people were really scared and upset and talking about this all over the place. John Boy & Billy, on their syndicated radio program, “The Big Show”, had a great time with the story and I even remember t-shirts being made. It was so weird and different and became a great urban legend for Bishopville, SC and for South Carolina in general. Go read the entire Wikipedia article, listed under “Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp”. Or just google it, “Lizard Man of South Carolina”. It’s some fun reading.
And that was not where I planned to go with that topic, but I guess I’ll save the stories about the noises from out behind Jim & LeeAnn’s house and the adventures with Rabbit, the Scotland County Sheriff’s office and all of that for a later time. Let’s wrap this booger up.
A Christmas Story…
I woke up. “Damn, it’s too early”, I thought to myself as I staggered from my bed to the bathroom. Then I looked at the clock. “I hate Monday!” And then I realized, “I’m off today! It’s a holiday and we’re closed. It’s Christmas! I don’t have to get up!”. Smiling to myself, I went back to bed and pulled the covers up over my head and went back to sleep. And just as I was falling back asleep, the sounds of “No More Mister Nice Guy”, by Alice Cooper filled the room. My phone was going off. I turned and glared at the phone, all lit up and screaming at me. I reached over and picked it up. A text message from my brother. Slowly, I pushed the right buttons and read the message that was preventing me from going back to sleep. “Merry Christmas my brother! Love you!”, it said. I read the message once more. And then the phone went off again. More sounds of Alice. Another message. “Come over!”, it said. I sighed once more and started to get up. I can sleep later. Time to go see my family. Time to spend Christmas chilling with the people who matter most to me. And that’s what I did. Merry Christmas Peeps!
And there you go. Yes, it was short and lame, but I’m just winging it here. I haven’t even had a shower yet or my first Pepsi so with that in mind, I think we’re doing pretty good.
And that’s all for now. I’ve still got Day 5 to do at some point today and I will. Other stuff is coming too. Thank you for reading. And now, I need a shower… and a Pepsi. And a good massage. I’m out of here. Until the next time, take care and be safe. Love you.