Wrestling Fact or Fiction (WWE Payback, Crazzy Steve, The Undertaker) – April 30, 2017

Tossing Salt Presents: Wrestling Fact or Fiction
April 30, 2017

Greetings, salutations and all of that other fun stuff. I meant to do this last night, but after a full day at work, dealing with all sorts of stupi… unique persons, I was damn tired. I’m still tired. I don’t know what was in the air yesterday, but the mood was certainly well spirited and slightly on the insane side. Them damn people were crazy. So I watched “Brother, Where Art Thou!” instead. Oh yeah, I also finally made it official and own the rights to “TossingSalt.com”. So things are about to get serious up in here and the mood is about to change.

As for this, it’s “Wrestling Fact or Fiction”, the weekly column where I take a look at a few statements, provided by my long time, close personal friends at 411mania.com, and simply put, either agree, stating “Fact” or disagree, stating “Fiction” and explain why. Since several of the questions are about WWE Payback, which airs later tonight on the WWE Network, I think I’d better try and get this up and posted before the show. Wouldn’t you agree? So that being said, let’s just jump right to it and do this.

1. Following his poor performance at WrestleMania 33, you have no desire to see the Undertaker compete at WrestleMania 34.

FACT: While I have a great deal of respect for the “Dead Man” and if he has the desire to step into the ring again, so be it, I personally don’t want to see it and could care less. The Undertaker matches have never been a big factor for me and my love of Wrestlemania. They’re part of the package, like the marshmellow hearts in Lucky Charms, but if they’re not there and we only have clovers and dimonds, so be it. If Taker was healthy, capable of a good match, and there was an actual reason for the match to be happening, then so be it. But it’s not something that I’m wanting to see.

2. You are surprised that WWE signed former TNA Tag Team Champion Crazzy Steve.

FICTION: He’s a good worker, a good character and from all I’ve heard, just a generally good guy. It’s all about the future in the WWE and talents that can be used to lead the way and perform for the next several years and Steve has the potential to be good. How it all works out in the end is anyone’s guess, but we won’t know until we give him a shot. The man could be the next Kane or Bray Wyatt or he could be the next Spellbinder. The only way to find out is to just go for it and find out.

3. Samoa Joe vs. Seth Rollins will be the match of the night at WWE Payback.

FACT: I also have a lot of hope for the Austin Aries / Neville match and maybe even the Hardys / Cesaro & Sheamus match. Hell, most of the matches on the card have the potential to be really good if booked correctly and given enough time. I think Joe and Seth though might be ready to go out there and steal the show. It’ll be fun to watch.

4. There will be at least two title changes at WWE Payback.

FACT: If I remember my predictions correctly, I’m expecting the United States, Tag Team and Women’s Championships to all change hands, while the Cruiserweight and WWE title will remain with their current owners. Is the WWE title match with Orton versus Bray title or non-title? Was that ever clarified? I’m going for three title changes tonight.

5. Baron Corbin will win the MITB contract this year.

FICTION: While he’s certainly among the top names on Smackdown and a great choice to win that contract, I’m thinking that WWE will do a swerve of some sort instead. Maybe Dolph, maybe Sninsuke, maybe Sammy or maybe even Luke Harper, which would be great. Corbin would be good, but I want a surprise. Shouldn’t Zack Ryder be returning soon? Woo Woo Woo – you know it!

6. How excited are you for Sunday’s WWE Payback PPV?

On a scale of 1 – 10, I’m probably at about a six or so. It’s going to be a good show and I know I’ll enjoy it, but there really isn’t anything there that is must see or stands out really big for me. If I thought that Bray actually had a chance to win back the WWE title, I’d tune in for that match and I’m interested in the Hardy’s match, but it’s just kind of like, “Eh!”. I may go chill with a friend later and watch the show late tonight instead. I have new massage techniques I want to practice on someone. I just don’t know yet.

7. Chicago style, deep-dish pizza, is completely overrated.

FICTION: I can’t really say because I’ve never been to Chicago and have the real deal. I’m not really a big pizza guy anyhow, but it’s good late at night or for the occasional breakfast. And the few deep-dish pizzas that I have had, although not genuine Chicago style, were damn good!

And there you go. I’m through and out of here for the night. Thank you for reading and I’ll catch you later, Alligator. Have a great one, enjoy WWE Payback tonight and may the force be with you.

Ubuntu!

@@ 00 fof wrestling

WWE Payback Thoughts & Predictions…

Tossing Salt Presents:
WWE Payback Pay-Per-View Thoughts and Predictions
April 29, 2017

We are just a few hours away from the WWE’s latest pay-per-view offering, exclusive on the WWE Network. It’s the WWE RAW Brand and WWE Payback. I’m going to try and keep this short tonight because it’s been an extremely long day and my eyes keep trying to close. Let’s just get right to it. Sister Cleo, hold my beer. It’s prediction time.

WWE champion Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt in a “House of Horrors” match.

Is this for the WWE Championship or not? What exactly is a “House of Horrors” match supposed to be? If Bray wins, does he go back to Smackdown? There are more questions to this match than answers and to be honest, I haven’t got a clue what to expect here, nor does anyone else. So it may be really, really good OR it may be really, really bad. I expect that most of it will be pre-taped on Sunday afternoon and inserted into the pay-per-view event and showed on the Titantron. And it also wouldn’t surprise me to see some new “Wyatt Family” recruits get involved at some point. Why the hell not? That makes as much sense as anything else about this match. I don’t know what to think or how to predict this one so I’m going very “old school” here and am going to flip a coin. Heads is Randy and tails is Bray. And the winner is..

Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Randy Orton

WWE Raw Tag Team champions Matt and Jeff Hardy vs. Sheamus and Cesaro.

It’s great to see Matt and Jeff Hardy back home in the WWE and as the RAW Tag Team Champions. But the excitement and energy is fading quickly and the nostalgia only lasts so long. I’d much rather see a “Broken Matt” and “Brother Nero” in the WWE, going after the titles than “The Hardy Boyz” defending the title. For that to happen, we need to take those titles off the Hardys and put them on a different team, like Sheamus and Cesaro. I think we’re going to see a title switch and a crack in the Hardy mindsets, leading to some most excellent breakage. I’m saying New Champs.

Winners and NEW RAW Tag Team Champions: Sheamus and Cesaro

WWE Raw Women’s champion Bayley vs. Alexa Bliss.

I think it’s safe to say that Bayley’s run as the RAW Women’s Champion has, thus far, been a bust. Alexa is a hot little spitfire and I think she’s really on top of her game right now and probably, along with Sasha, the top woman on RAW right now. I think it’s time to switch this belt as well.

Winner and NEW RAW Women’s Champion: Alexa Bliss

WWE United States champion Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho.

The Face of America versus the Face of Jericho. Chris has several dates with Fozzy booked for the next month so he’ll have to be written off of WWE TV for a little bit. Logic would say that Owens wins strongly and “injures” his former best friend, thus retaining the title and giving Jericho an exit until he’s ready to return. I say, “Damn Logic!”. How about Kevin puts a major beating on Jericho, but at the last second, Jericho snatches victory from the jaws of defeat and manages to pin Owens to capture the United States Championship. Owens goes nuts and attacks Jericho after the match, thus giving him that “injury” he needs to take time off and tour with Fozzy. Then on RAW on Monday, we have no United States Champion as Angle is forced to strip Jericho of the title due to injury. Kevin and a few others can have a mini-tournament or a multi-man main event to determine who the new Champion is. The more I think about it, the more I like it.

Winner and NEW United States Champion: Chris Jericho

WWE Cruiserweight champion Neville vs. Austin Aries.

Neville is doing an amazing job as the “King of the Cruiserweights”. Aries is so damn over, he doesn’t need a title and could easily be used in both the Cruiserweight Division and the main roster, perhaps as a contender for the United States title. I want to see a Neville versus The Brian Kendrick feud for the title and that can’t happen if Neville loses the belt. I think we’ll see “The King” retain.

Winner and STILL WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Neville

Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman.

Why do I have the feeling that WWE is going to screw this up and screw it up very badly by having Roman come back strong, after his “injuries” and win. I surely hope not. Roman should be determined and a fighter, but in the end, Strowman has to win. If he doesn’t, then all of the building and creating of the WWE’s equivilent of Frankenstein’s monster will have been wasted. Roman can put up a fight, but when that final bell rings, it needs to be Strowman having his arm raised and looking strong.

Winner: Braun Strowman

Samoa Joe vs. Seth Rollins.

I know that most people feel that Seth needs a win here, but I disagree. Seth beat HHH at Wrestlemania. In terms of actual pay-per-view matches, Samoa Joe hasn’t beaten anyone yet that I can think of. There is no reason that these two can’t have an amazing match and steal the show. Actually, I kind of expect that they will. But a loss won’t hurt Seth at all. Joe needs to get that first win under his belt and after that, it won’t matter too much.Either do a DQ finish or give the big man the win. Samoa Joe kills bitches dead!

Winner: Samoa Joe

Gallows and Anderson vs. Enzo Amore and Big Cass (Kickoff Show)

I think it’s time to have Cass drop the dead weight to his team and go on as a solo guy, maybe with Enzo as a manager or mouthpiece, but not as a wrestler / partner. I’d love to see Gallows and Anderson “injure” Enzo and put him out of action for a while. Of this entire match, he’s the weakest link to be sure. I think that the two former “Club” guys should take home a relatively easy win here.

Winners: Gallows and Anderson

MizTV with The Miz interviewing Finn Balor. (Kickoff Show)

Why are Miz and Balor being wasted on the kick-off show? I’m expecting that this will lead to a match for later in the evening, most likely on the pay-per-view or else on RAW Monday night. Either way, you can’t put two folks like Miz and Balor together on a show and not expect some kind of fireworks. We might just get an interview if Balor hasn’t been cleared for a match by WWE Medical personal. And if he has been cleared, I think we’ll have a match. So…

Miz versus Finn Balor

If these two men come to blows and end up in a match, it’s Finn Balor walking out with his demon arms raised in victory as he takes that fabled trip to the pay window.

Winner: Finn Balor

And there you go. That will do it for me tonight. I’ve got a bed waiting and calling my name right now and I must heed the call. Thank you for reading. Questions, comments and thoughts are welcome. Have a great night and I’ll talk with you tomorrow.

Ubuntu!

@@ 00 wwe paybacvk

Six Names…

I found this on Facebook.  Yes, I am this bored right now…

YOUR SIX NAMES… give it a try…

Real Name: Douglas Alan Maynard

Soap Opera Name (middle name and the street you live on): Alan Montclair

Star Trek Name: (first 3 letters of last name, first 2 of middle, last 2 of first): Mayalug

Superhero Name: (color of your shirt + the item to your right): Black Bottle

Goth Name: (black + name of one your pets). Black Goldie

Rapper Name: (lil’ + last thing you ate):  Lil’ (Almond) Joy

 

And now, I’m through.  Have a great day!

Ubuntu!

RUDE!!

Anyone who has ever worked in customer service has stories to tell about rude customers, crazy moments and things that have to be seen to be believed. That’s just part of the job and when dealing with the craziness that is humanity, shit happens. It’s just that simple. I’ve personally been working with the public for well over thirty-five years and the stories I can tell (and will eventually). Lat night was one of those nights dealing with one of those people, the kind you hear about, but don’t quite care to know. It wasn’t anything major in the overall scheme of things, but it’s just something that happened and I want to get it out there and off my chest for a bit.

We had a girl come into the store last night. That in itself is not unusual since we have plenty of women and girls of all ages, all over twenty-one though and of legal age, and she had blue hair. That too, isn’t very unusual in this day and age and I only mention it because I can. She also wore stretchy pants, but unlike most of the people we see wearing stretchy pants, she could pull them off. She was a big girl, but not giant-sized big. She didn’t look like a stuffed sausage with hair, which unfortunately seems to be the major trend these days with stretchy pants and women with multi-colored hair.

But what made her stand out last night was that she was obviously starved to death and extremely hungry. She was carrying with her, and cramming it into her mouth, chewing loudly with her mouth open, a hamburger. Yes, instead of leaving her food in her car while she came in to make her purchases, she was smacking her lips, cramming as much of that burger down her throat as possible with each movement. Maybe it’s just me, but that just seems kind of rude to me. And shows a lack of upbringing and respect. I’ve seen much worse though and have had to wait on people before carrying around a dinner plate of food and cramming that stuff into their mouth while shopping, so just a burger isn’t that bad. It makes them look like pigs and hogs with no respect for themselves and others, but around here, unfortunately, that’s not anything new or uncommon. I personally would finish my food BEFORE I walk into the store or leave it in the car and finish it after I came back out of the store, but that’s just the way I was raised. To walk into a place of business, stuffing a burger into my mouth, smacking the lips loudly, chewing with the mouth open, and all of that, is something I would never do. Hell, she could barely even get her money out of her purse to pay for her purchase due to having to switch that cheesburger from one hand to the other to her mouth and back again. She couldn’t talk at the register, although she tried, because her mouth was crammed full of the burger. Just nasty and again, I say, rude and disrespectful as hell.

Not being in a mood for an argument, I just rang up her purchase, placed it in a bag, finished the transaction and watched her leave. She was jumpy, tapping her feet in impatience and obviously ready to get back to her Happy Meal waiting in the car, the part of that she hadn’t already consumed while walking around the store. She left and went out to her car. And then when she pulled away and left the parking lot, she had thrown her bag of trash, the remains of her hamburger, and the wrappers, in the parking lot. Just dropped it out of her window, with both me and my fellow clerk watching from the inside, and drove off.

Trash is trash is trash and while eating and looking like a hog in heat in the store is rude and bad enough, then dumping her trash in the parking lot, like it isn’t extremely obvious who it was, is just beyond disrespectful. That’s the problem with people today. Well, there are many problems with people today including lack of education, lack of motivation, bad attitudes, thinking the world owes them everything, etc., but lack of common courtesy and simple respect is top on the list. And this stupid young girl, who isn’t really all that young and is definitely old enough to know better than to litter like that, is a perfect example. Just damn ignorant and rude. Do we blame the parents? Society? I’m pretty sure that she surely would if called out because idiots like that don’t accept blame or responsibility. That would be adult and being grown. They’re not – they just think they are. A bunch of stupid, spoiled kids raised in an entitlement society where they can do anything without fear of any consequences or reason to show any kind of respect for anyone.

If I was to throw my trash in the parking lot, or walk into a business cramming a burger down my gullet while I did my shopping, I can honestly say that even now, and I’m a middle-aged, old fat man, my people would call me out and probably smack me down for being such a disrespectful ass. But people today… Oh vey! She’ll be back in the store soon enough though and even though the being a hog ins’t worth saying anything about, she will be hearing about throwing her trash on the parking lot and being a litterbug / stupid idiot. I can’t wait to see how that goes. I just hope that I’m working that night.

So word to the wise. Grow the hell up and leave your food in the car. Use a trash can to get rid of your trash. Quick smacking the lips and dyeing your hair blue shere it looks as if you have a bunch of snakes on your head having breathing problems. Get some manners, take off those stretchy pants and quit ruining my life. I think I need to go to work now so that’s all. That girl though… she belongs on “The List!”.

And I’m done for now. Thanks for reading and I’ll catch you on the flip side.

Ubuntu!

top-10-listverse-mistakes

Wrestling Fact or Fiction (Braun Strowman, Impact & AAA, 205 Live and More) – April 23, 2017

Tossing Salt Presents:
Wrestling Fact or Fiction
April 23, 2017

Happy Sunday morning and welcome to another ground-breaking edition of everyone’s favorite wrestling hoop-de-doo, Wrestling Fact or Fiction. As per the usual, the questions and statements come from my friends over at 411mania.com/wrestling. The answers come from me, myself and oh yeah, I. Let’s get busy and get ‘er done.

1. You are all in on Braun Strowman as a main event WWE talent.

FACT: The WWE has finally gotten one right, starting off with the squash matches against jobber talent and then letting this big monster of a man be a big monster of a man. Braun has gotten so much better over the past six months, it’s scary. So long as WWE protects the character and plays it correctly, I think Braun will definitely fit in as a top guy and main event level performer. I’m not saying that he can’t lose, but book him smartly and make the losses few and far between and in a manner that makes sense and I think Braun can be a major name for many years to come.

2. If rumors are true, Mike & Maria Bennett are great pickups for WWE.

FACT: As I said in a column a few days ago, Maria was always one of my favorite female performers from the Diva Search era in that she worked hard, played her character well and kept trying to get stronger and better at her craft. Mike Bennett is a solid and strong worker who can have a good match against almost anyone and together, Mike and Maria make a formidable combination. There’s a void right now on Smackdown, where we used to have Miz and Maryse, and Mike and Maria can be used to help fill that void. They’re strong talents and would be welcome in any locker room or wrestling company in the world. The only negative is that with the recent additions of so many new talents in the WWE main roster as of late, I’m scared that there are too many top names and Maria and Mike could end up lost in the shuffle, but talent usually rises to the top and I hope that they’ll find a way to be okay and stand out. Actually, I’m pretty sure that they will.

3. You are excited that Impact Wrestling & AAA are going to work together for Slammiversary & TripleMania 25.

FICTION: If I actually watched Impact Wrestling or AAA, I probably would answer differently, but I’m not able to watch either and only follow Impact due to a few of the performers there, via the internet. I’m sure that having the resources of both companies to pull from will help make each show that much better and stronger and I wish boht companies great success in their efforts. After all, the more success they have, the more opportunities are available for wrestlers and people in the business. But I don’t watch either promotion at this time so to say that I personally am excited would be a huge understatement.

4. WWE should start running quarterly specials (like they do for NXT) for the 205 Live Brand on the WWE Network.

FACT: The 205 Live show is great and has some really good matches, but just how much talent can WWE really showcase with just an hour a week? They have the Network and the resources to make the Cruiserweight Division just that much more interesting and important and should be doing everything they can to give the men of this division as much exposure as possible. Quarterly specials would be just one way and probably the best way to do so.

5. You have no interest in Jinder Mahal challenging for the WWE Championship.

FICTION: Any time a new face or someone different gets a push and opportunity to break that glass ceiling, I am very interested. While admittingly Jinder is not one of my personal favorites and I’d much rather see Bo Dallas, Curtis Axel or Heath Slater (he’s got kids) getting this opportunity, Jinder is pretty cool too. And it also brings the Bollywood Boys up to the main roster as Jinder’s henchmen, which is pretty decent as well. Let’s just see where this goes. I don’t think we’ll be seeing Jinder as the new WWE Champion anytime soon, but this is his make or break moment and I’m glad to see him getting a chance.

6. Impact Wrestling and AAA teaming together for touring and running live events is a great idea, especially since it’s something both groups have wanted to do, but have struggled with.

FACT: Much like I said earlier, this gives the management two rosters to pull from and the resources of two companies to use and take advantage of and that can’t help but be a good thing. With the talents from both companies available, there can be a wider variety of matches and stronger cards, which in turn, should draw more fans and put more butts in the seats. And it also expands the areas available for touring, giving Impact a reason to head south of the border and giving AAA more opportunities to expose their products ouside of Mexico and the south-west and into areas like Florida, the Carolinas, etc. Maybe it’ll work and maybe it won’t, but what do they have to lose at this point anyhow?

7. Pineapple is a bullshit pizza topping and should be banned from the world of Pizza.

FICTION: My nephew, who is five, likes pineapple on his pizza. He calls the pineapple “Minions” because they look like little minions all over the top of the pizza. I like it too. So the pineapple stays and if anyone has a problem with that, two words for you. ‘Nuff said!

And I guess that’s all for now. I’ll be back probably later on today with another edition of Wrestling Fact or Fiction. There’s so much going on, one column just can’t handle it all. I’m going to bed now. Have a great one and thank you for reading. I’ll catch you later, alligator. Have a nice day!

Ubuntu!

@@ 00 fof wrestling

An Epic Tale of Adventure…

An Epic Tale of Adventure…
April 22, 2017

So, there I am, jumping into the shower. Time for a quick wash s I can head uptown in a little bit to see all there is to see in our fair town. I just turn on the water and jump in. I quickly adjust the water to a nice and hot flow and quickly soap up. Grab the shampoo and quickly lather up my head. I want to look and smell my best this lovely morning, but time is wasting so I don’t worry about being fancy. It’s just wash and go.

I move my head up under the showerhead and feel the soap and shampoo rinsing off my body. I keep moving my head around to make sure that my hair gets well rinsed with no shampoo residue and then, out of the corner of my eye, I see it.

In the shower with me, over tucked in the far corner, leering at me with evil eyes and obviously nasty intent, is one of those damn spider-crickets.

And it’s not just a small one. This one is huge, as big as my hand. And it’s there… in the shower… with me.

I did what any self-respecting macho man would do…

I screamed like a little girl and nearly killed myself jumping out of the shower.

I also kind of, sort of, pulled down the shower rod and curtain in my haste to get away from the nasty little creature.

Have I mentioned that I hate spider-crickets? They give me the creeps.

I jump out of the shower, tripping on my way out and nearly impaling myself on the shower rod.

All in all, not a pretty sight.

And then, after pulling mysrlf together and regaining my composure, I look back… and it’s still there.

In the corner of the bathtub, next to the shampoo bottle and not moving.

I reach into the tub and turned off the water, but never ever taking my eyes off that dastardly creature.

I pulled myself together and decided that this was a declaration of war. That damn creature from the pits of hell had invaded my space, disrupted my shower and damn it all, it was time for some major payback and revenge.

I was going to take that creature’s soul and life.

I was going to kill it!

I reached over and grabbed a paper towel from off of the bathroom sink. It still isn’t moving so I’m assuming that it’s probably in shock from the hot water and the soap / shampoo fumes from my shower. I just figure I can grab it with the paper towel and then slam it down the toliet. Hit the flush and drown the disgusting little creature and rid my life of it’s foul presence forever.

I move my hand towards it and am ready to slam the paper towel down around the mobile monster’s body when all of sudden, the spider cricket does the worst thing possible.

It moves.

It jumps from the corner and towards me, with eyes blazing red, antenna flashing in the lights and all eight legs poised and ready for Ninja-mode attack.

So I did what any self-respecting grown man would do in the face of such an attack.

I screamed again like a little girl and quickly backed out of the room, nearly tripping over my cat, who had come to watch the excitement and was now watching me with a look of total disgust and disdain on her face.

As I tried to keep from falling, the insane, bloodthirsty creatures leap of doom fell short and he went down into the bathtub instead of making it to his intended victim and possible meal, me.

He had blood in his eyes and I knew that if he had managed to reach me with that determined leap, I would have been a goner for sure. But fate, and having a ig bath tub, had intervened.

He was in the bathtub now and trapped. The sides are too slick for him to climb out and are too high for him to jump free so he was trapped. And after analyzing the situation, from the hallway, I realized and knew that our battle was nearly over.

I reached for the bathroom door after finally getting dried off and dressed, all the while never taking my eyes off that refugee from the realm of nightmares, which kept trying to escape the bathtub of doom. I went over and fixed the curtain rod, but my eyes remained focused on that horrific creature, trying to come at me with several manic jumps, his little spider-cricket teeth exposed and bared.

And then, when I felt that everything was in order and it was time for that little spawn of Satan to finally die, I made the move that sealed it’s fate. With one last glance at the demon spawn, I did what I had to do.

I called for Mom.

She came quickly. wondering what all the noise had been about. I stood back and just pointed towards that evil bug from hell, in the bath tub, with it’s blazing eyes, spiked legs and foul presence. But it wasn’t there. Not the giant-sized monster that had been tormenting me, but just a small cricket, not even as big as my pinky fingernail.

Ma looked at it… and then she looked at me.

She reached for a paper towel and quickly grabbed the shape-changing beast.

Without a word, she then chunked the paper towel, complete with the fresh corpse, into the toliet. One flush later, it was all over and he was gone.

And Ma?

She just looked at me with a disgusted look on her face.

My cat was still in the doorway, watching it all, and she had a disgusted look on her face as well.

“Anything else?”, Ma asked.

“No, I’m good!”, I said.

Without another word, she turned and left the room.

I closed the bathroom door and started to brush my teeth, while also reflecting on the events of the past few minutes.

I won the battle and the foul, disgusting evil creature was gone.

But at what a cost? Boy, what a cost!

I hate a damn spider-cricket!

@00 a cricket

The World’s Greatest Survey (Really)…

The World’s Greatest Survey (Really)

Have you ever enslaved a population?
Only a few people at a time and never an entire population. What do you think I am? A dictator?

Have you ever debased a nation’s currency?
Not that I’m aware of, but I did once use Canadian pennies and a slingshot to nail a friend in the head when I was a kid. He pissed me off and that was all I had. Does that count?

Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No. Everyone I’ve killed has been the right person.

Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
Well, I gave them some duct tape and a band aid to fix it so it’s all good.

Have you ever been a professional critic?
I criticize professionals all the time and I am an “Internet Wrestling Journalist” (whatever the hell that is), so my answer would have to be “Maybe”.

Have you ever wiped out a family?
Of ants? For sure.

Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Sanity? Never had it and never will.

Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Like in the back of a Volkswagen? No comment.

Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
I forgot to unplug the miscrowave. My bad!

Have you ever made love to a dead body?
I wouldn’t call it “making love”. They were very cold to my advances.

Have you ever engaged in piracy?
I had this dream one time and it had an eye-patch, a hook, a ship and Johnny Depp. Does that count?

Have you ever been a pimp?
I have never owned a blue cadillac or a ho’. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, don’t you know.

Have you ever eaten a human body?
Just a little licking, nibbling and gnawing, but no actual body consumption.

Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
That depends. Have you ever heard me sing karaoke?

Have you ever exterminated a species?
No, but not from lack of trying.

Have you ever been a professional Executioner?
Nope, just an amateur.

Have you given robots a bad name?
I think they bring their bad reputations upon themselves. I had nothing to do with it.

Have you ever set a booby trap?
Yes, but then I changed my mind and set them free. What would I want with boobys?

Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
Not so much failed as just decided to go home instead and take a nap. I was tired.

Have you driven anyone insane?
*Looks around at family and friends* – I’m not sure if I’m the reason or not, but someone or something surely has had an effect on these folks.

Is anyone looking for you?
Elmer Fudd. He thinks I’m a wabbit.

Have you ever set a poor example?
Better a poor example than no example at all, I always say.

Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
No, I came for a Pepsi and a donut and decided to stick around. I still have to go rescue my leader.

Are you in hiding?
Only from a few Government agencies and the occasional psychotic pygmy in a wheelchair. Other than that, I’m cool.

Have you systematically set up mysteries?
The OJ Murders. I know who did it… and I’m not telling.

Hae you ever made a practice of confusing people?
I’m confused. To hell with everyone else.

Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Yes, it’s easier and hurts less.

Have you ever gone crazy?
Gone crazy? I’ll get back to you on that one.

Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Only if I thought it might get me laid or get me a crazy check.

Have you ever deserted or betrayed a great leader?
I needed a nap.

Have you ever smothered a baby?
But they looked so cute playing with those plastic bags. How was I to know?

Do you deserve to have any friends?
Yeppers. I’m a cool dude, a sexy beast and just pretty awesome to be around, except for when the mood swings or the alternate personalities take over. But they’re harmless and everyone still loves me… really.

Have you ever castrated anyone?
The day is still young.

Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Beat me, whip me, make me listen to Adele records.

Is there any question on this list that I’d better not ask you again.
That weird one about that stuff that I’d rather not talk about. But the rest is okay.

Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
Yes, but jello and instant pudding can only do so much.

Have you ever zapped anyone?
I don’t even like Scott Baio.

Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
No diseases to be spread around here, but I did have some peanut butter and I spread it on some ginger snaps. And then I munched. It was good. Very yummy.

And there you go. The end! That’s all folks!

Akeem_bio