Flashback: WWE Dating Game (Parody)

Here’s another parody I wrote back in 2003, a then-WWF version of The Dating Game.  Check it out. Thoughts and comments are welcome.

(Retro) WWE Dating Game (A Parody) – July 12, 2003

WWE Dating Game (A Parody) – July 12, 2003

A big thing going on today in the entertainment industry is the revival of all things 70’s. From the movies (Charlies Angels, The Hulk) to TV (That 70’s Show) to music (who hasn’t done a remake of a 70’s hit) – it’s as if all old is new again. Always willing to cash in on any trend, what if the powers that be in the WWE decided to remake a staple of 70’s television for their WWE Superstars. This little parody shows what would happen if the WWE decided now is the time for:

The WWE Dating Game
(A Vinnie Mac In Your Pants Production)
Your announcer is Y2J Chris Jericho.

Y2J:
All right assclowns – listen up. It’s the Dating Game. We all know that the host of this gig should be me, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla. This show should be called Dating Game Jericho! But the people in charge wanted someone else to be the host. They said I had an ego problem or something like that. Bunch of losers. Just like you people out there watching tonite. Anyway – here is your host – Rico.

Applause as Rico comes prancing out.

Rico: Thank you Chris. You look marvelous, by the way. After the show, maybe we can go out for a drink or something.

Y2J: In your dreams, freak!

Rico: Forever and ever. Hello people. I’m Rico, your host for the evening and this is the Dating Game. What we do is take a WWE Diva and try and make a match with our eligable WWE Superstars.

Applause from the audience.

Rico: So, let’s get started. Chris, please introduce our bachelors to the fans.

Y2J: Sure thing loser. Bachelor Number 1 is the Doctor of Thuganomics. He kicks ass every week in the ring on Smackdown. He’s the poor man’s Vanilla Ice! Here’s John Cena.

John Cena: Word up! I’ve got a quick rhyme to put out. Listen up!
Why am I here on the dating game?
who’d I piss off?
Have they no shame?
Y2J is cool but that Rico freak makes me sick!
He should be hanging with Chuck and Billy
and they can all suck a ……

Rico: Anyway! Talk to the hand, Cena. Y2J, plase introduce bachelor number 2.

Y2J: I love it. You sick bastard. Bachelor number 2 is a former WWE champion. He’s also the man I beat, along with the Rock to become the first ever undisputed world champion. Here is the co-general manager of RAW, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Audience goes crazy!

Stone Cold: Tonite – I get some beer

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: I get the lady!

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: And I might even whip these two punks asses who are sitting up here on stage.

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: And that’s the bottom line – cause Stone Cold just said so!

Rico: Thank you Mister Austin! Motivating as always.

Stone Cold: (buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrppppppp!)

Rico: And now Chris, if you will. Bachelor number three.

Y2J: No problem, you sissified freak of nature. Here is bachelor number three – from Hotlanta, GA. The manager of Rodney Mack and Jazz – the imcomparable Teddy Long.

Teddy: That’s Mr. Theodore Long to you whitey! Let me holla at ya playaz! Why am I bachelor number 3? Why not number one? This is just another attmept by whitey and the man to keep Teddy Long and Rodney Mack held back. We be thugging and buggin all over the WWE and then we come here and it’s nothing but total disrespect.

Cena: Testify, my brother..

Teddy: Shut the hell up, cracker boy!

Stone Cold: (buuuuuurrrrrppppppp!)

Rico: Gentlemen, please. Let’s have some order here. Chris, would you please introduce our lovely bachelorette? And by the way, you’re the last person who needs to call anyone ‘sissified’. Not with some of the outfits I’ve seen you wearing.

Y2J: Don’t be looking at me! I’m a Hollywood fashion plate. You’re just a freak. But anyhow, here is our lovely bachelorette, straight from Smackdown, and no doubt, Mr. McMahon’s bedroom as well, here is the former WWE Women’s champion and Playboy centerfold, Sable.

Audience just sits quietly.

Sable: All you men want to be with me. All you women just want to be me.

Rico: Yeah! Sure, Sable. Nice outfit, by the way!

Sable: Thank you!

Rico: You know how this works. You ask our bachelors some questions, listen to their answers, and then, based on their responses, you pick one of our WWE superstars for a dream date to….. Chris, will you please?

Y2J: I’m getting it, assclown! Sable, you and your lucky date, and with you, I’m sure they will get lucky, will be on a three day, all expense paid trip to Des Moines, Iowa!

Rico: Des Moines? I thought it was a trip to Madrid, Spain?

Y2J: It was originally, but Triple H saw the trip and decided he wanted that for him and Stephanie instead. So the show got stuck with Des Moines.

Rico: That’s Hunter for you! A great world champion and truly, the Game!

Y2J: You are the biggest ass kissing ass-clown in the world!

Rico: OK, Sable. Ask your questions.

Sable: OK. Bachelor number one, if we go out, what will you do to make it a special night for us?

Cena: If we go out, it’ll be something like this
a night on the town
with a master of thugamonics
truly a class joint
sure as hell won’t be a dog at the Sonic’s.
the Playboy centerfold out with a man from the streets
take a trip down to the Y
and show you how well I eat
word -life!

Sable: Ok!

Rico: Next question please.

Sable: Bachelor number two, same question.

Stone Cold: What will I do to make it a special night? Well, we’ll drink some beer. Eat some pork skins and shoot some pool. Maybe do a little fishing. Did I mention the drinking beer?

Sable: Sounds enticing.

Stone Cold: (buuuuurrrrrppppp!)

Rico: Next question, please.

Sable: Bachelor number 3, how would you show a girl a good time?

Teddy: Let me holla at ya playa! A night on the town in HotLanta, GA! A little Barry White and a little James Brown. Cause you know I’m down with the Brown.

Sable: Sounds good so far. What else!

Teddy: What else? Listen up, you money grabbing, big breasted, skanky slut! You’re a fake blonde weasal. You done destroyed one brother, my man Marc Mero. And now you think you’re gonna get ahold of my man, Rodney Mack. Keep dreaming, you plastic breasted drama queen!

Rico: Excuse me?

Teddy: Not you, you freak! I’m outta here. That skuz will never be down with the brown!

Teddy Long gets up and stalks off the stage..

Sable: Well, I never…

Rico: Yes, you have Sable. Plenty of times, I’m sure. Don’t even go there. Well, we’re about out of time, so you get to pick, Sable, between bachelors number 1 and 2. Teddy’s gone, so who will it be?

Sable: Well, I choose…

Stone Cold: Can I say something?

Rico: Could I stop you? Go ahead!

Stone Cold: I’ve had enough of fake breasted blondes trying to ruin my life. First Jeannie and then Debra. I don’t think I want to go out with a money grabbing whore like Sable.

Sable: What?

Stone Cold: A whore!
Rico: What?

Stone Cold: A money grabbing leech!

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: A huge pair of fake breasts.

Audience:What?

Stone Cold: Dye job!

Audience:What?

Stone Cold: Flabby ass!

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: The coldest, nastiest, piece of trash in the business today.

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: (taking a huge swallow of beer… (Buuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrppppppppppp!!)

Rico: Austin, I’m tired of this. You can’t talk to our bachelorette this way. I ought to….

Austin jumps up and runs over to Rico, giving him a stunner on the stage floor. He then takes a swallow of beer and walks off the stage.

Sable: Oh my!….

Y2J: So, I guess the winner, by default is Smackdown’s own John Cena!

Sable: I don’t know.

John Cena: Hey – hey – hey! Word up!
I just came here tonite looking for a date
but just see a lot of confusion
Austin and Teddy walked off the stage
they couldn’t stand the thought of losing
Rico,our host is laid out on the floor
the victim of a stone cold stunner
but that Dairy Queen is such a punk
I’m sure it’s the first time he’s been laid all summer
so now I’m the winner
just like it should be
but my prize is a date with Sable?
to boldly go where all have gone before?
we may be on TNN, the home of Star Trek
but I ain’t Captian Kirk, and on this mission, I just ain’t able
you might not like it
or you might
I’m just relaying the facts
I’m the master of thuganomics
Sable is just the big thing
and ya’ll can just kiss my ass!

Cena walks off the stage – leaving Y2J and Sable standing alone next to Rico’s still unconcious body.

Y2J: So I guess that’s it for this show.

Sable: Wait a minute. Who’s my date? Who get’s to have a Sablicious good time? How about you, Chris?

Y2J: No – sorry! I don’t date drag queens. But I can hook you up with Christian?

Sable: Christian?

Y2J: Yeah! I’m sure he and his “peeps” will be glad to take you out!

Sable: No. Thanks, but no thanks. Even I have some standards.

Sable walks off..

Y2J: That’s what you say, lady, but I know better. Well, that’s it. See you folks next week on my show, The Dating Game is Jericho. Our bachelors will be Kurt Angel, Mike Foley, and Big Poppa Punk Steiner. Our lovely bachelorette will be the lovely and talented Nidia. Now this is the part where I guess we end the show with a big kiss. Well, you can all give a big kiss to my ass! Later assclown.

Jericho walks off the stage.

THE END.

Flashback: 2003 Slammy Awards (A Parody)

Wrote this way back in 2003, a little parody of sorts of the then WWF Slammy Awards.  A bit dated, but still funny. Check it out.  Thoughts and comments are welcome.

2003 Slammy Awards (A Parody) – July 21, 2003

2003 Slammy Awards (A Parody) – July 21, 2003

There hasn’t been any Slammy Awards in a while, but there ought to be. It’s the WWE’s answer to the Grammys, the Oscars, and the Tony’s all wrapped up in one event. Here is a version of what just might happen if the WWE was to resurrect this lost treasure.

The 2003 Slammy Awards (Live from Madison Square Garden)

Fireworks and applause. Here is your host – Chris Jericho..

Y2J: What up assclowns? Welcome to the Slammy’s Are Jericho! They wanted the best host they could find for this show. Carson and Letterman are washed-up losers! Billy Crystal is just a third-rate comic and Whoopi Goldberg is off somewhere hanging with her loser brother, Bill. So, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla is here and we’re ready to present some
awards. Presenting to some loser the Slammy for Best Commentator is a blast from the past – where’d they dig this joke up – the Boogie Woogie Man from New York City – Handsome – I think someone lied to him – Jimmy Valiant.

The song “Boy From New York City” plays as Jimmy Valiant comes on the stage..

Valiant: Ooooh, mercy! The boogie man feel good tonite, baby! Yeah! Boogie has to give out the award for best man on the stick – mercy baby. The best commentator. Oooh yeah! Make Boogie look good. And the nominees are .. mercy..

A pre-recorded voiceover booms out:

Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Taz, and Ernest “the Cat” Miller..

Valiant: Mercy baby! The winner is…

Valiant rips open the envelope.

Valiant: My man, the Cat. Ernest “the Cat” Miller. Have mercy..

Ernest Miller comes on stage..

Ernest: Man, I didn’t expect this. Someone call my mama – I’m gonna have to beat somebody up. Thanks to everyone. You know what! You know what Boogie-man? I feel like dancing. Somebody hit my music..

James Brown music blares from the loudspeakers as Ernest Miller and Jimmy Valiant start dancing on stage.

Chris Jericho: Someone get those two assclowns off the stage. I see being a moron transcends all generations. If that’s the kind of losers we have to see all night, this is going to be a long one. Here is the next presenter for the Slammy for Best Buns. This can’t be right. It is? OK – here is Hulk Hogan..

Real American blares over the spreaker-system as Hulk Hogan climbs on the stage.

Hogan: You know bruthuhs, Vince McMahon didn’t want the Hulkster to be here tonite.

Jericho (from his announce position) Why are you here, Hogan? I thought you were fired after your little Mr. America ruse fell through.

Hogan: Well, you know bro, that Hulkamania lives forever! And let me make one think perfectly clear. I am not Mr. America, bruthuh!

Jericho: We all saw the video of you unmasking. Why continue with this charade. It’s over, Sulk!

Hogan: I wouldn’t lie to all the Hulkamaniacs out there, bruthuh! Say your prayers and take your vitamins. Whatcha gonna do …

Jericho: Just announce the nominees, you steriod infected, bald headed assclown..

Hogan: What nominees? It’s all about Hulkamania, bruthuh! Whatcha gonna do … whatcha …

Jericho: Get that loser off the stage – someone do the nominee things.

Several security men run onstage and grab Hogan who tries to no-sell their attempts to subdue him.. He starts to Hulk up, and gets sprayed by pepper spray. He starts to no sell, but falls to the ground, gasping for air.

Hogan: Bruthuh – supposed to job.. (cough – cough) put me over (cough) .. why?

Hogan passes out as the security guards haul him off.

Chris Jericho: Good riddance, you jackass! And the nominees are:
Pre-recorded voiceover fills the arena.

The Nominees for Best Buns Are: Rickishi, Mr. McMahon, Mr. Ass Billy Gunn, & Torrie Wilson.

Jericho: and the Best Buns Slammy goes to: our boss, Mr. McMahon..

Vince’s music plays, but no one comes out.

Jericho: Mr. McMahon couldn’t be here tonite. He’s having Patterson and Brisco’ s lips surgicially removed from his extraordinary posterier, so I’ll accept this for him. Thank you very much. And now our next presenters.. Here is Booker T.

Booker T comes out to great applause.

Booker: What’s up? It’s time for the five-time,five time, five time, five time, five time WCW champion, and the current WWE Intercontinential champion.. Don’t hate the playa – hate the game. These are the nominees for the slammy for “best death”. And while these people announce the nominees, it’s time for a slammy-spineroonie.

Booker does a “spineroonie” while the names are read over the speaker system.

Pre-recorded voice over: The nominees for “best death” are Al Wilson, Roddy Piper, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Nash.

Booker: And the winner is: Hulk Hogan. Now can you dig that, suckah!

Hulk Hogan comes out to accept his slammy.

Hogan: Well, it’s like this bruthuh!(cough) I’ve got these 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania is the strongest force in the Universe. I just got pepper sprayed, but I don’t job for nobody, bruthuh! McMahon thought I was through. Bruthuh! Well, this slammy proves, once and for all, that Hulkamania is running wild! So what ya gonna do. What ya gonna do.

Jericho (from the sidelines): Hey Hogan! Hogan!

Hogan: What do you want, Jericho?

Jericho: I want to see you get your ass kicked by security again. Did you read the slammy, you freak? It’s for death, like your career, like Hulkamania, like this crowd everytime you start to speak…

Hogan: Death? Bruthuh? Who died bruthuh? Hulkamania isn’t dead, bruthuh! It’s the strongest force in the universe. What ya gonna do..

Jericho: Cut his mic off. Security, get this moron out of here. Ask not for who the Undertaker comes Hogan – he comes for you – you bald headed Thunderlipped jackass. And here’s our next presenter. Straight from an AA meeting near you – it’s Scott Hall.

Massive applause as Scott comes to the podium.. You see Hogan come by, being chased by security.

Scott Hall: Hey yo! Before we do this award thing, I think it’s time for a little survey. You know how this works, OK. Hey yo!

Crowd is totally silent..

Hall: So, are you all here to see … WCW?

The crowd remains totally silent!

Hall: Or.. are you here to see the N.W.O.?

Crowd is still totally silent.

Jericho: Hey, Scott! The NWO is gone – WCW is gone – it’s all WWE now, you greased up monkey!

Hall: Gone? What about the Wolfpac?

Jericho: Gone!

Hall: When did all this happen, Jericho?

Jericho: About 2 1/2 years ago.. Where have you been?

Hall: I went to the 7-11 for a beer and – I don’t remember – hey, yo!

Jericho: You don’t remember?

Hall: Hey, yo! Hey, yo! Hmmmmmm! Hey yo!

Jericho: This assclown has lost it – someone get him off the stage.
Kevin Nash comes out and leads Hall off the stage. A voice reads over the soundsystem: And the nominees for Best Dressed Slammy are : Ric Flair, William Regal, Golddust, and Rico..

Jericho: The winner is (and it should be me – I’m a Hollywood fashion plate) William Regal.

William Regal comes out to the podium.

Regal: Thank you. I didn’t really expect all you commoners and lowlifes to be able to look past your fashions by Wal-Mart to realize what an elegant and dapper appearance can do for a man. I only wear the very best, custom-made, by my own personal designer in London. It’s so hard to maintain a proper appearance when dealing with lower forms of life so often. But every so often, it is appreciated and for that, and this award, as your good will ambassador, I thank you.

Jericho: What the? What the hell did that pompous ass-clown say? Go sip some tea, you biscuit and crumpet eating jackass. Here is the next award – the Slammy for Best Diva. Your presenters are Chris Benoit and Jerry “the King” Lawler.

Applause as Beniot and the King come to the podium.

Chris: You know, King, an important part of the WWE these days are it’s Diva’s.

Lawler: Puppies!

Chris: Not just puppies, but the intensity and effort put forth – these ladies are how I like ’em – silent but violent.

Lawler: They can get violent with me anytime – sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.. whoo-hoo!

Benoit: You’re a sick man, King.

Announcers voice: The nominees for best Diva are: Sable, Ivory, Trish, and Torrie Wilson

Benoit: And the winner is:

Lawler: Puppies!

Benoit: Sable

Absolutely no reaction from the audience as Sable comes out..

Sable: Thank you for this award. I do deserve it cause I am so Sablicious. All the men want to be with me and all the women want to be with me. (To Benoit and Lawler) – how about you men? Do you want to have a sablicious good time?

Lawler: Puppies! (he falls to the ground, clutching his heart!) puppies! puppies!

Benoit: Ha!

Benoit grabs Sable and puts her in the crippler-crossface as the audience goes nuts. Security runs in and pulls Benoit off as Lawler continues to roll around on the floor, grasping his heart..

Lawler: Puppies! I want puppies!

Jericho: Well, Benoit! I guess that’s one way to leave an impression on a lady. But that was no lady. That was a nasty, skanky, sleezy, bottom-feeding, trashbag, ho!

Stephaine McMahon (from offstage): What?

Jericho: Not you Steph – the other nasty, skanky, sleazy, bottom-feeding trashbag ho!

Stephaine: OK!

Lawler and Sable are stretchered off stage as the show continues.

Jericho: And now, presenting the Slammy for Locker Room Leader is: Brother Love..

Brother Love comes out.

Love: I looooovvveee you! Yes, brothers and sisters. It’s me – here to talk about loooovvvvve! The looovvvve of men in a locker room – the loooovvvve of a man for his brothers and sisters that he provides leadership – he offers advice – he provides looovvvveeeee! He is a leader. And the slammy for providing the most loooovvveee as a locker room leader goes to:

Voice on speaker: The nominees are: Undertaker, Bill DeMott, Al Snow, Tommy Dreamer

Love: Yes! Yes! Thank you, brother announcer. The winner for the slammy of looovvee is: Brother Undertaker..

Undertaker comes out to deafening applause.

Taker: It’s all about respect. This is my yard, and if you want to make a name here..

Love: Brother Undertaker… Brother Undertaker..

Taker: What?

Love: You talk about respect. You talk about looovveee! but what about respect for me. What about respect for Brother Love? I brought you into the WWE and I demand re………..

Undertaker grabs Brother Love by the throat and chokeslams him off the stage. Then Taker walks off the stage as the audience goes nuts.

Jericho: Someone call the EMT’s. I guess that red-faced baboon found out all about the Undertaker’s love. Jackass! Here is another blast from the past – where do they find these dinosaurs – the Macho Man Randy Savage..

The Macho Man comes out!

Macho: Ooooohh – yeah! The macho man is back! Oooohhh – yeah! Got some nominees – gonna get a slammy – yeah! What it’s all about tonite – yeah! The nominees for Most Inspirationial Wrestler are … Oooohhhhhh – yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh! Dig it!

Voice of Announcer: Kurt Angle, Zach Gowen, Christian, Randy Orton, Stone Cold Steve Austin…

Savage: Feel the chill and savor the moment – yeah! The winner is, dig it, Steve Austin. Ooohhhh Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!!!

Here comes Stone Cold…

Austin: Most inspiratioial, huh?

Audience: What?

Austin: I inspire!

Audience: What?

Austin: I kick ass!

Audience: What?

Austin: I run RAW!

Audience: What?

Austin: And I drink beer!

Audience: What?

Austin: I said I drink beer!

Audience: What?

Austin: A lot of beer.

Audience: What?

Austin: And I’m an inspiration?

Audience: What?

Austin: A hero?

Audience: What?

Austin: A role model?

Audience: What?

Austin: Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrpppppppp!!!

Audience goes nuts…

Austin: And that’s the bottom line, cause Stone Cold said so…

Macho Man: Oooooooooooohhhhhh – yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh! Dig it!

Jericho: That was truly a hallmark moment of inspiration by our general manager, not! I don’t know how much more of this journey into dweebdom I can take. I’ve got to go for a little bit now! My band Fozzy, the worlds greatest Rock and Roll band, will be playing in a little bit, and we have to get ready. Taking over in the announce position is, from WCW Nitro, your favorite announcer, but not mine, Tony Schiavone.

Tony Schiavone: Thank you, Chris. This is truly a great night, one of the greatest nights in the history of the WWE. The 2003 Slammys. Our next presenter is truly one of the greatest performers in the history of sports entertainment – the leader of Team Canada, one of the greatest franchises in the history of World Championship Wrestling, it’s Lance Storm..

The audience starts to chant: “Boring! Boring!”

Lance: If I can be serious for a moment….

(Lance pulls out some index cards and reads a prepared statement!)

Lance: A Slammy award is a very prestigious thing with a history dating back to the mid-1980’s. This is the Slammy presentation for the “best tattoo” by a WWE Superstar. And the nominees are:

Voice of Announcer: Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, Brock Lesnar, Undertaker, Kane

Lance: And the winner is: Kane!

Kane comes out and grabs Storm by the throat – chokeslamming him through the announce podium. The fans cheer wildly as Kane raises his arms and lightning flashes from the sky and sets Storm on fire – leaving nothing but a black, burnt mass of charred flesh.Kane then grabs his Slammy and walks offstage. The fans give him a standing ovation..

Schiavione: Wow! That was truly the greatest spectacle in the history of sports-entertainment. Kane is a monster. Wow! Somebody clean that mess up.. While the ring crew cleans up Lance Storm, who is really going to hurt in the morning, let’s go to the side stage for some musical entertainment. It’s truly the greatest rock band in the … oh to hell with it … here’s Chris Jericho and Fozzy..

On a side stage, Chris Jericho and Fozzy launch into an amazing rendition of the Doors ‘Light My Fire’. Midway through the set, Kane comes charging onto the stage and begins to chokeslam all the band. Jericho, who saw Kane coming out of the corner of his eye, runs off-stage and jumps into a waiting limo. Havoc ensues as Kane totally destroys all the band equipment and sets the drummer on fire. The audience is totally into all this and cheers loudly as each piece of equipment and band member is destroyed.

Back to Tony Schiavone..

Schiavone: Wow! That’ll put butts in the seats. The most incredible scene of mass destruction in the history of Sports entertainment. Where do we go from here? I apologize fans. Things are crazy here. We don’t know what’s happening. The next award – sure. Here’s Sable..

Sable comes out to absolutely no crowd reaction.

Sable: I know what you fans want. You want to see me, Sable! The award I’m presenting is for the best New Sensation in the WWE. Let’s see which young stud get’s to have a Sablicious good time tonite..

Announcer: The Nominees are: Brock Lesnar, John Cena, Sean O’Haire, Randy Orton

Sable: (doing the grind!) All you men want me and all you women just want to be me.. The winner and Best New Sensation is : John Cena
John Cena comes to the podium..

Cena: Hey – yo, yo, yo! Word is life
I got this here Slammy
they say I’m the best
I’m holding this here gold
and looking down Sable’s dress
the best new sensation
in the WWE
but I’m a veteran
a master
of everything in the ring
I guess it’s all cool
cause I won and not the Dead man!
Kane’s setting everything on fire
Storm looks like he fell from the frying pan
I’ll take this gold
and just enjoy the moment
looking at all the Diva’s
have got me pushing up a tent
having to listen to Schiavione
is making me a little sick
I’m the best new sensation in the WWE
and everyone else can suck my ……..

Sable: That rap makes me hot… Hey, John.. Want to have a Sablicious good time?

Cena: With you, you skank ho? I’ve heard about you from Jericho. Get away from me before you ooze skuz on my slammy..

Cena walks off the stage .. Sable follows..

Sable: But John………..

Schiavone: Well, that’s about it for tonite folks. We’re running out of time. This has been the greatest night in the history of the WWE and I…what? One more award to present – truly the most prestigious award in the history of the WWE. It’s the WWE Lifetime Achievement Award. And presenting the award is the Godfather of Soul, Teddy Long…

Teddy Long comes out..

Teddy: Let me holla at ya, playaz. This award is for lifetime achievement in the WWE. We all know it’ll be a white man to win tonite. His achievement is holding back the brothers. And my man, Rodney Mack. Let’s see what cracker-boy gets some glory tonite? Where is that announcer?

Announcer: The nominees for WWE lifetime achievement are: Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Ric Flair, Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels, and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Teddy: All right playaz – the man who wins this trophy is – it’s a tie. That blad-headed cracker, Steve Austin, and the 16-time world champion, Ric Flair.

Ric Flair and Steve Austin come to the podium.

Ric: It’s an honor to be given an award by the people for my lifetime achievement. Thank you!

Austin: What are you being so humble for, Flair?

Flair: What?

Austin: You’re the 16 time world champ. You’re the Nature Boy. And you’re being humble.

Flair: What?

Austin: Where’s the strut? Where’s the whooo?

Flair: I….I can’t!

Austin: Why not?

Flair: I just can’t..

Austin: Why? Did Triple H threaten to cut off your dry-cleaning..What?

Flair: Don’t talk about Hunter.. He’s the World Champion..

Austin: No, he’s a sorry ass little punk who’s screwing the boss’s daughter

Audience: What?

Austin: A male whore.

Audience: What?

Austin: Stephanie’s human sex machine!

Audience: What?

Austin: A sorry piece of trash. Look at you Flair!

Flair: What?

Austin: I said look at you! The 16 time world champion – the greatest wrestler in the history of the sport, and you’re scared of Triple H..

Flair: I’m not scared of Triple H.

Austin: Then prove it. Let out a whooo! Accept this award like Ric Flair should..

Ric: You mean stylin’ and profilin’?

Austin: Yeah! What?

Ric: You mean kiss all the girls and make ’em cry..

Austin: What?

Ric: You mean, be a jet flying, limousine riding, wheeling dealing son of a bitch?

Austin: What?

Ric: Cause diamonds are forever, and .. whooooooooo! So is Ric Flair. Whooooooo..

Austin: Hell yeah! he grabs Ric and goes for a stunner, but quits and backs off.. He hands Ric a beer.

Austin: I can’t do it. You’re the Nature Boy.. Have a beer.

Ric takes a beer and they do a toast. Here comes Triple H…

Triple H; What the .. Austin. what the hell are you trying to do?

Austin: I’m trying to drink a beer, you big nosed jackass.

Triple H: I had Flair all nuetered and you’re getting him all stirred up again..

IN the excitement, Trip forgot Flair was standing there, and listening to everything being said…

Flair: Nuetered? Nuetered? I’ll show you nuetered..

Triple H: Wait…Ric… I can explain……

Flair and Triple H start to fight as Austin chugs back a beer. Flair knocks Triple H to the ground and starts the Flair strut. Trip slowly gets to his feet, and is grabbed by Austin… Stunner… Triple H is out and Flair and Austin are standing over him..

Flair: Whooooooooooo!

Austin: Sorry son of a bitch..

Flair: Austin, you’re all right. Let’s blow this joint.

Austin: Yeah, we need some fresh beer.

Austin and Flair shake hands and walk offstage as EMT’s tend to Triple H.

Schiavone: Wow! Flair and Austin together. This is truly the greatest night in the history of sports entertainment. That’s it folks. For myself, Chris Jericho, and all the people here at the WWE, see you later….Wow!…

THE END!

@ 00 @ goldust

Flashback: Corn, Wilmington, and Simply The Best…

Another one from 5 years ago today…

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 16: Corn, Wilmington and Simply The Best

It’s time for the magic to happen once more.  It’s part 16 of the infamous “Thirty Days”.  No time for love, Mr. Jones so let’s get to steppin.  I reach into the magic box and the topics to choose from are “corn”, “Wilmington” and “simply the best”…  Okay, that’s an interesting variety of choices.  Hmmmmm! I can’t decide on one so let’s go for the triad once more.  Yep, I’m doing all three.  This should be fun…

 

 

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 16:  Corn, Wilmington and “Simply the Best”…

January 17, 2013

 

 

Before I get started, I want to send out my condolences to the friends and family of Warren Gibson, an old acquaintance who passed away today after a long battle with cancer. I mentioned Warren a few days ago and asked you, my peeps, to say a prayer for him in his struggles and fight for survival.  Now I ask you to please say a prayer one more time for those who knew and loved this very special and unique young man.  It’s a sad day for all of us.  Warren, you definitely will be missed.  Rest in peace, my friend.  The pain is finally over.

 

 

Now let’s tackle the subject matters at hand.

 

 

Corn:  What the hell am I supposed to say about corn?  It’s yellow and comes in an assortment of way to enjoy.  You can have “whole kernal” corn or eat it off the cob or even, if you like something that looks somewhat disgusting, eat cream of corn where it looks as if it’s been chunked into a blender for a while before throwing it into the can.  The main thing that stands out in my mind about corn is that the body has a hard time digesting it and breaking it down so if you eat a  lot of corn and then go to the bathroom to do the poopy thing, it’s generally pretty obvious that you’ve eaten a lot of corn.  Isn’t that a pleasant thought?  Bleh to the extreme!

 

 

I guess I could use this topic and write about popcorn.  It’s a form of corn (sort of) and lots more fun to think about.  Nothing on a cold night sitting in front of the tv set with the one you love, watching a movie, is more intimate or touching than sharing a big bowl of popcorn together.  Okay, I can actually think of several things that might be more fun to share with someone else or to do on that cold night.  Corn is not an easy thing to write about.  So I won’t anymore.  Let’s move on.

 

 

Wilmington:  Of course I am talking about the city of Wilmington, NC where I lived in 1996 and 1997.  And I can honestly say without a doubt that period of time was one of the very best in my life.  I was working for Dairy Mart, a convenient store chain, and kind of got volunteered to go to Wilmington, where I had never been before in my life, to work as a temporary store manager.  And though admittingly, I was not a good store manager at the time (wasn’t really ready for the responsibility at that point of my life), I did jump into it pretty handily and tried my best.  I ended up taking the job and moving to that city by the sea and my life was never the same again.

 

 

There’s something about that place where I just felt at ease and so relaxed.  I quickly made a couple of really cool new friends in Steven and Marshall, and also was joined in my new home by a long time friend and his then-girlfriend, Michael and Nikki. Living with those two was a struggle sometimes as I learned that some people are not good roommates, but I think we were all crazy and immature so I’m not going to stress it.

 

 

I worked pretty much twelve to fourteen hours a day at my store and partied the rest of the time with Steven and Marsh.  And I lucked up big time and met two crazy-ass guys who lived in the apartments right up from me, Brent and Russ, and found some friendships that I cherish and value to this day. And life, for me, was so awesome. I got my first two tattoos while living in Wilmington.  One was a birthday present from my two employees and the other was just because I liked it and it felt great.  I was young, I was slightly wild and I was free.  And I think, for the first time in my life, I was truly happy.

 

 

But there were a few serpents in this garden of Eden.  As I said earlier about my job, I was trying my best and our sales at the store went up, but I wasn’t a good manager at the time.  I wanted to be a friend and not a “boss” and had a hard time seperating the two things.  I was damn good at the paper-work aspect of the job and my store stayed clean and looked decent, but I let folks get away with too much and ended up paying for it in the end.

 

 

And there was the “love” thing.  I had uprooted to Wilmington pretty quicky when it happened and hadn’t stopped to think about my at the time relationship with a very special guy.  I was his “other woman” and even though I realize now how truly screwed up the whole deal was, I was “in love” and didn’t like being that far away from here in Laurinburg. I was driving back and forth several times a week, a two-hundred mile round trip, and it was taking it’s toll.  But what did I care at the time? I just wanted a few minutes to be with my guy.  Damn, I could just kick myself now, but then, it was all good.  *sighs*.

 

 

Eventually it all came to a head and I was “fired” from my job and came back to Laurinburg to work back at the Dairy Mart again.  The funny thing is that I was “fired” as a store manager, but stayed with the company (after about a two week break) and became a sort of floating manager for them (and even eventually ended up back in Wilmington again as a temporary manager, but that’s a story for another day).  Suffice it to say, that city was my home at a very instrumental time in my life.  Not all of the memories are great, but they’re all very special and dear to me.  And if the opportunity ever comes to go back to live in Wilmington again, I’ll probably jump on it without hesitation.  Laurinburg is my “home”, but Wilmington will always be my Mecca.  It’s just a great place.

 

 

Let’s close this out with the final topic. It’s “Simply The Best”, which could mean a lot of things. I know that it was the title of a Tina Turner album and true, it does fit that epic pioneer of R&B and rock.  She’s an icon and legend, but what else is “simply the best”?  I’ll just list a few things that are, in my opinion, simply the best that there is for their particular category.  Sounds like a plan, right?

 

 

Simply the best all around professional wrestler of the 80’s and 90’s:  Ric Flair

 

 

Simply the best rock music showman of all time:  Alice Cooper

 

 

Simply the best President of the United States in my lifetime:  Ronald Reagan, followed closely by Hillary Clinton… lol.

 

 

Simply the best lunch:  Chinese food from the Golden Run buffet.

 

 

Simply the best TV sitcom:  SOAP

 

 

Simply the best wrestling territory of all time:  Mid-Atlantic wrestling (Jim Crockett Promotions) from the late 70’s to the mid 80’s.

 

 

Simply the best fictional vampire:  Barnabas Collins

 

 

Simply the best thing on YouTube: InfamousTV

 

 

And there you go.  I’m ending it with that no-so-subtle plug of the new sensation that is taking over the world, one video at a time.  Go check it out, like the page and let us know what you think.  K-Mak, K-Dawg and myself (and a few of our alternate personalities) are taking over.  ‘Nuff said!

 

 

And that’s it for me.  See you later with Part 17.

 

 

Ubuntu!

Flashback: 30 Days Of Dougie: Dream Jobs, Age & Friendship…

From 5 years ago…

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 17: Dream Jobs, Age and Friendship

And now it’s time for Part 17 of the epic “Thirty Days of Dougie” series. I’ll bet you didn’t think I’d make it this far, did you?  Well, to be honest, neither did I.  But I have and here I am, past the half-way point and ready to ride this mutha to the end.  So let’s go find that magic box and reach in to see what the topic (or topics) are going be be.  And the picks of the day are “Dream Job”, “Age” and “Friendship”. Sounds like things might be getting a bit mushy and deep with those topics. Or maybe not?  Let’s go for it and do this…

 

 

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 17:  Dream Jobs, Age, and Friendships

January 18, 2013

 

 

So what should I begin with?  How about the “dream job”.  Obviously, that would be the job that’s not really a job. It’s called getting a check for doing something you’d just as quickly do for free because it’s something you love and feel and want to do.  And what would my “dream job” be?  I think that anyone who knows me (or is reading this) can tell you pretty quickly.  Writing and creating.  Big shocker, right?

 

 

And not just sitting here doing these random topic blogs, although that was be awesome as well.  I’m talking about the wrestling columns, the American Idol reviews like I did last year (still haven’t decided about this year yet – so far, the new Idol has not appealed to me and I’m waiting to see what the Top 12 has to offer before I commit myself), the short stories, the screen-plays, etc. I just want to sit and write and create.  And if I can find a way to make money doing it, even better.

 

 

Plus the creative part of me wants to work in the wrestling industry.  I’m an idea guy with over 40 years of being a fan, analyzing the business and what works and what doesn’t and I think that in a writing / consultant capacity, I would have a lot to offer any small indy wrestling company trying to make an impact.  Of course, the dream thing would be to work for Vince McMahon and the WWE, but I know my temperment and old-school approach and ideas wouldn’t fly in a company like WWE and I’d be wished well in my future endevors probably within two weeks, if not sooner.

 

 

Right now, I work in a store and that allows me personal contact with people (as crazy as they are) and to keep a level head and stay focused on the real, and I need that, but I want so much more and to cut loose from the monotony of that life and move into a world of interacting with people who are creative and think outside the box.  That’s what I love so much about this whole “InfamousTV” deal that is currently going on. It gives me a chance to just cut loose a little bit, pull off some of the restraints of conformity and do what I love so much. And being around people, like Kenneth, who are so unorthadox and creative, it lights a fire under me and helps me be creative and inspired.

 

 

So my dream job (or jobs) would be to be part of the creative aspect of a wrestling company, write about whatever comes to mind, sell a screen-play or short story and do projects like this “Thirty Days” and “InfamousTV”.  Looks like I’m on my way.  The Nic’s job is okay and pays the bills, but sitting here and just letting the words flow – that’s who I really am.  Gotta love it!

 

 

And next up is “friendship”.  What is friendship? To me, it’s pretty simple.  I like you and you like me and despite our differences, we click… that pretty much covers the basics of it all.  No hidden agendas, no bull-crap, no games – just be you and I’ll be me and if we still like being around each other and are still pretty much able to trust and respect each other and it feels good, well there you go.  I’ve got your six and you have mine.  There’s more to it obviously, but I think that covers the basics.

 

 

I’ve been lucky and truly blessed over the years that I have some amazing and wonderful friends, even when at times I don’t deserve it.  Yes, I’m admitting that I can be and am a total ass-clown at times.  We all have our quirks and issues, but for the most part, the real friendships have maintained while the fake friends and users have fallen to the side.  The real friends know how they are – they’re more than friends.  They’re my “real” family.  And the others?  Well, they know who they are too.

 

 

Let’s move on to “Age”.  I’ve got a very simple philosophy on what age is.  It’s just a number on your ID card to see if you can buy alcohol or get a retirement check.  It doesn’t matter in the overall picture of things.  It’s not how old you are – it’s how old you think and relate.  My best friend right now that I hang out with and socialize with more than anyone is 22 years old.  I’m 46.  Yeah, that sounds kind of creepy actually, but we click and relate on so many levels. Age doesn’t matter and is just a thing.  Most of my friends are younger than I am.  A few are older.  And there are even one or two that are roughly in the same age range.  And it all falls back to what I said a few minutes ago.  If we click, we click and if we don’t, oh well.  Age is just a number and isn’t even a factor of consideration, at least not so far as I’m concerned.

 

 

Okay, I’m looking at the clock and I need to close this up. So many things left to do before I go to work this afternoon.  So that’s all for me today folks. Back tomorrow for Part 18.  Have a great day and keep passing those open windows.

 

 

Ubuntu!

Flashback: 30 Days Of Dougie: Truth, Music and the Great Marriage Debate…

From 5 years ago today…

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 15: Truth, Music and The Great Marriage Debate

It’s the  halfway point for the “Thirty Days of Dougie”.  It’s Day 15.  Let’s jump right to it and reach into the “Magic Box” and see what the topics of the day will be.  Yes, I said “topics” as in plural meaning more than one.  I had so much fun doing the “Triple Threat” piece yesterday that I’m doing it again.  Three topics of conversation to get you thinking (and hopefully get your blood pumping a little bit) this morning.  Doesn’t that sound like fun.  I think so, so let’s do this…

 

 

We reach into the box and here are the topics for today’s edition of “Thirty Days”… We have “truth”, “same-sex marriage versus traditional marriage”, and “music”.  All three can make a great monologue and column by themselves, but when we put them together?  Oh vey!  This should be fun. Let’s get to stepping…

 

 

Thirty Days of Dougie – Day 15:  Truth, Music and The Great Marriage Debate

January 16, 2013

 

 

So where shall we start?  How about music?  I love music, as I believe we all do.  And I like different types of music.  Some folks that I know only listen to one particular genre, such as R&B or rap or country and you know what?  They’re depriving themselves of some pretty awesome stuff that out there. My own tastes tend to be as eclectic as I am, depending upon my mood.  I listen to country, rock, classic rock, classical music, pop, rap, disco, stuff from the 30’s and 40’s, big band, jazz, blues, reggae, etc.  If it’s got a decent sound and (more importantly for me) great lyrics, I’ll give it a shot.  I try to keep an open mind where the music is concerned.

 

 

It wasn’t always like this though.  There was a time that I refused to listen to rap.  I didn’t mind the old skool rap like Doug E. Fresh (my namesake and hero), Run DMC or the Beastie Boys.  That was okay and fun to listen to.  And I like Eminem too, but he’s a white boy so it was okay.  But I didn’t like the hardcore rap, the urban “ghetto” music about how big and bad everyone is and about slapping the ho’s around and all that crapola. I looked at the image rather than listened to the music and let it cloud my judgement.

 

 

And then I started hanging out with people who were younger that I am and they didn’t listen to Alice or Bon Jovi or Waylon or the Stones. They listened to Tupac and Dr. Dre and Snoopy Dogg Dogg (wrong way to say it – I know, but that’s how I say it – get over it!).  And being around these people so often, I found myself listening to the same music they listened to.  And while some of it sucked pretty badly in my opinion and just confirmed what I had always felt about rap music, some of it was actually pretty decent.  And some of it, hard as it is to believe, is actually pretty damn amazing.  Tupac really was (is, since he’s not really dead) that damn good.  Dre is really that damn good.  50 Cents is pretty damn good.  And P. Diddy (or whatever his name is this week), well… they can’t all be winners.  And Kayne West makes some good music too, but I still think he’s the biggest dick in the world for what he did to Taylor Swift a few years ago that I refuse to listen to him.  Yes, I hold a grudge and have not gotten over it.  Hey Kayne…. kiss my assets, you two-bit racist, ignorant, pinheaded jackass.

 

 

But what was I saying?  Oh yeah, music is music is music and good music can be found everywhere and anywhere if you just look hard enough.  Don’t prejudge or base your opinions on what everyone says or what your perception of the music might be. Listen first and just be honest and real and judge for yourself and you’re liable to be surprised at the great stuff you just might find.

 

 

And enough on that subject for now. Let me move on, but before I do, just let me add one more thing.  Music is full of awesome and talented folks, but in my opinion, there are six acts that stand heads and tails (for me) above everyone else.  My “Big Six” are and will always be Waylon Jennings, Alice Cooper, Rickie Lee Jones, Soce the Elemental Wizard and Sublime.  My second “Big Six” changes from day to day because there are so many great songs and singers / bands to choose from.  Maybe I’ll do a “Top 20” blog one day?  Hmmmm?  That’s an idea.  But that’s for later.  It’s time to move on to the next topic.

 

 

Truth:  Whether good or bad, it’s always best to be honest and keep it real.  We don’t always do that though.  We don’t want to hurt feelings or admit stuff to ourselves or others so we fudge the truth a bit and either tell the little white lies or keep quiet and let things proceed as they may.  Not a good thing, but that’s just how things go. I wish that everyone could be totally honest with each other, but that’s just not how things go.  People are fickle and way too sensative and far too many of them (us) can’t handle the truth.  We live in denial and a delusional state of half-truths and wishful thinking.  I know I’m guilty of that sometimes and so are so many others that I know.  But eventually, reality catches up with us all and then, oh vey!  It’s a double-edged sword waiting to slice into the flesh and force us into reality and the real world.

 

 

I don’t like the truth.  I like living in my fantasy world where things will get better, where I will what I want to be, where people are honest and real and like me for me rather than what I can provide and do for them, where my man and I will live happily ever after.  Maybe it will all work out in the end?  Yeah, I’m a bit delusional sometimes, but it’s a lot better than dealing with the craziness and pettiness and cruel real world.  And that’s the freakin’ truth!

 

 

Let’s move on to the “Great Marriage Debate”, which pits “Same Sex Marriage” versus “Traditional Marriage”.  I think it’s pretty common knowledge where I stand on this issue.  With all due respect to my friends who argue that marriage can only be between a man and a woman, I must disagree.  Marriage is a bonding of both legality and love between two persons who love each other, want to commit to each other and be recognized as partners in life.  And is my love of another man any less than your love of your spouse?  Nope, I don’t think so.  My love and my relationship is just as real and important as yours and if you can get married, then why shouldn’t I be allowed the same privilege and rights that come along with the deal?

 

 

I would love to be able to get married (legally) one day.  And just like everyone else, I want my friends and family to be there and to do the whole church ceremony and have the whole big scene.  But legally, here in NC, I can’t do that because my type of marriage, to another man, offends some people and apparently “damages” the institution of marriage.  I’ve got news for everyone.  Most marriages these days end up in divorce and most people who are married seem to be on their 2nd or 3rd try. The institution is already damaged and anything I do, along with the man I love, won’t hurt it anymore than the “straight couples” already have.

 

 

Marriage is about love, committment, bonding together and building a life and family.  If the couple is real and committed and the love is there, what does it matter who is getting married, be it a man and woman or two persons of the same sex?  It shouldn’t matter at all.  If it’s real and it lasts, it strengthens the concept of marriage and committment and should be encouraged… not denied or rejected.

 

 

The country is changing and the attitude of the people is changing and evolving. I expect that probably within the next couple of years, all of these “same sex amendments” and “legalized discrimination laws” that prohibit gays from marrying will be history. I hope so.  And when that day comes, I want to throw one helluva party.  And I want to get married.  After all, I deserve the same happiness (or misery depending upon who you ask) as everyone else.  So I’m just waiting.  Same-sex marriage is just as real and legal and valid as any other marriage.  I know that and now I’m just waiting for the rest of the country to realize that and catch up.

 

 

Okay, I just noticed the clock.  I have to go do Food Lion so I’m out of here, my Peeps.  Have a great day. Thanks for reading and I’ll be back tomorrow.

 

 

Ubuntu!

Notes To Myself – January 15, 2018

Notes To Myself
January 15, 2018
DougMaynard.com

Good morning and Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Yay! That means I have the day off as we pay homage to one of the greatest Civil Rights leaders of all time. Yeah, he wasn’t perfect, but he was the right person doing the right thing at the time and we are all better off for his efforts. Treating people differently because of something like skin color is just plain stupid and people who judge others based on the color of skin are stupid idiots. ‘Nuff said. The way people act towards others and behave, both in public and private, is reason enough to judge and critique. That stuff matters, but skin color and race? It’s just the cover of the human book. It’s the contents and what’s inside that matters.

I wonder though what King would think of how the world is today, with people taking his dream and his hard work and warping it to such crazy proportions. Would he agree with Black Lives Matter and their militant agendas? Would he shake the hand of his former associates like Jesse Jackson or John Conyers (D-SC) and their antics or the behaviour of people like Maxine Walters or race-baiter and habitual con-cartist / criminal Al Sharpton or be disgusted and shake his head in amazement and shame? I don’t think he’d be happy at the way things are today. Not at all. And a large amount of the blame can be placed at the feet of the former President of the United States, the first “black President”, although Bill Clinton also claims that distinction in the eyes of some people. Obama and his rhetoric and playing the race card sent race relations in this country back almost twenty years and I don’t see things getting any better any time soon.

But enough of this. It’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day so enjoy the day off from work and go spend time with your family and friends and have a great day. And while your at it, take a few minutes and remember what King stood for and the good intentions he had. All men are created equal and should be judged by their actions and behavior rather than the color of their skin. Racism is stupid. Racists are stupid. And I’m going blank on where I was headed with this, but I think I’ve aleady said everything that needs to be said on this topic for now. Now, on with the column before I run out of time.

This is called “Notes To Myself” and what it is, literally, is a listing of several notes that I’ve written to myself about great ideas or topics that I would like to write about for the site, but just haven’t gotten around to for some reason, mainly lack of time. So I write these notes to myself whenever an idea hits and then I stack them on my desk, next to the computer and for the most part, that’s as far as they go. But in this particular piece, maybe once or twice a month, I’ll go through my lists and notes and talk briefly about them here. That way, even if I never actually do the full and drawn out piece for each topic that I wanted to do originally, I’ve still kind of, sort of covered the topic here at the site. It’s not a perfect system and it’s a work in progress, but I’ll take what I can get. And it also helps me clean some of the clutter off my desk so there’s that part of it too, definitely a good thing. So, let’s do this…

Notes To Myself…

The first “note” says Medicine and side-effects. This comes from a conversation I had with my co-worker about how they have these “miracle medicines” on television and do the advertising for these wonder drugs, but then when they start listing the possible side-effects, they’re worse than the actual disease or issue the drug is supposed to cure. It’s like, this pill cures heartburn,but will make you break out in hives, lose your hair and want to commit mass genocide. Or this one cures depression, but will cause liver failure. Just crazy stuff to be sure. I’ll save this one because it will make a great, long form piece of literary magic one day.

Why do women slap themselves on the top of the head? This is a black woman thing, but I’ve seen it so many times. A woman was in the store this past weekend and was patting herself on the head, smack after smack after smack, it looked like she was playing bongo drums. And it wasn’t light little smacks either. It was hardcore pounding and bee-bopping. What the hell? I know it’s supposed to help with itching and what nots, but it looks crazy and messed up. Would someone please explain to me why the women do it? Why use a hair product or wear a wig or anything that requires you to beat yourself in the skull to make it bearable? I don’t get it.

This note I wrote was an idea about placing ads on MeetMe, Craigslist, Match.com and a few other social media / dating sites about trying to find a good man for me to start dating and maybe go out with. Then I would blog about my experiences, the responses to the ads, etc. I’m tired of being alone all the time and single and I figured that this would be a way to meet new guys as well as have something to blog about. But then I realized something. Meeting people would involve actually “meeting new people” and being sociable and coming out of the house at times and actually interacting with people. Dougie don’t do that so the idea is shelved for now. I still need a good man in my life, but I’ll hold off on this particular experiment and option.

The song “Glory Days” came on the radio and I wrote myself a note that maybe I could do a blog about my own personal “glory days”. It might happen one day or it might not. The good old days weren’t always good and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems. Yes, I did just steal a line from a Billy Joel song. After all, I’m “keeping the faith” here. Songs on the radio are always sparking ideas in my warped little mind. Only a few ever actually see the light of day though.

And I’m quitting here. Only one actual “note to myself” has been eliminated from the stack, but between my phone constantly going off, being interrupted by family members asking about people I don’t know and subjects I could care less about and a few other things, I’ve run out of time for myself. I have to go pick up for the Food Bank at Food Lion now and run a few other errands and while it shouldn’t take long, I know better. The world is conspiring against me and no one wants me to write or so it seems. I’m glad I don’t depend upon my writing to make a living and pay my bills because no one will leave me alone and in peace long enough to actually get anything actually written. I guess I need to move my computer to an isolated place, throw away or turn off my phone and just vanish first if I ever actually want to be able to write without interruptions. It sure as hell isn’t going to happen around here.

Okay, I know I’m whining and getting bitchy. I was almost in the zone and in the mood to be creative, but it’s gone now. They killed it. I’ll just call my creative efforts “Kenny” from here on in cause, “OMG! You Killed Kenny! You Bastards!”. I’ll probably be back this afternoon or tonight to try to do a “Notes To Myself”, Part II. Thanks for reading thus far though. Any comments, thoughts, ideas for future pieces here at the site, dirty jokes or anything really, please give me feedback and let me know, either with the comment button or at my personal e-mail, Doug28352@yahoo.com. I’m out of here for now. Take care and stay safe.

Ubuntu!

102bf-two2bsquirrels

Grown Up Survey…

Grown-Up Survey
January 14, 2018
DougMaynard.com

Found this on Facebook and just had to do it. Enjoy!

FINALLY, an adult version. Tired of those surveys made by high school kids? Here are 29 questions for Grown Ups!!

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

No bills are fun to pay, but the one that annoys me most is the water bill since the City of Laurinburg decided to destroy the Barrett Building to build their multi-million dollar Taj Mahal and now, when we go there to pay our bills, we have to look at that mess that was once a grand and noble old house, destroyed to satisfy the egos of five power-hungry politicians. Oh wait, we can’t go through the drive-thru anymore either since that has been discontinued due to “safety issues” with the construction of the new elite gathering hole. So we get a building that no one wants, that our taxes and water bills will go up to pay for and inconvenience of having to go inside at a place where there is limited parking (due to the new construction of the City Hall castle) when there was a quick and easy drive-thru for the past twenty-plus years. This town sucks!

2. When was the last time you had a romantic dinner?

I honestly don’t remember. I need a boyfriend / good man in my life.

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?

Taking a shower, eating my breakfast and snuggling up to a good sexy man watching Netflix or a movie. Any guys wanna come snuggle?

4. How many colleges did you attend?

One

5. Why did you choose the shirt you have on now?

It was on top of my pile of clothes and clean.

6. Thoughts on gas prices
The gas costs too damn much.

7. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning?

Uuugh! I have to pee. What time is it? Can I sleep for a few more minutes? Go away damn cat!

8. Last thought you have before you go to bed?

I hope this phone doesn’t go off. Do I need to pee?

9. Do you miss being a child?

Sometimes, but not really..

10. What errand/chore do you despise?

Emptying the compost and cleaning out the litter box.

13. Favorite lunch meat?

Hamburger… that’s a meat, right?

14. What do you get every time at Trader Joe’s?

What is Trader Joe’s? Never heard of it, never been there and have not a clue as to why this question is even here.

15. Beach or lake?

Beach

16. Is marriage overrated?

Nope. I think it’s the ultimate sign of love and commitment between two people and if given the work and respect it needs, can be and is a wonderful thing.

17. Ever crashed your vehicle?

Yep. Flipped my car and rolled it once. Ate up a sign once to avoid smashing into a car that slammed on brakes. Took out a row of mailboxes once. And got clipped in the back of my truck one time and spinned around a few times.

18. Strangest place you’ve brushed your teeth?

Probably while riding down the highway driving my station wagon.

19. Somewhere you’ve never been but want to go?

Europe to visit the WWII historical spots and travel across several countries. Also, the Grand Old Opry in Nashville, TN. And Wrestlemania too, of course.

20. At this point in your life would you want to start a new career?

Not really, but it would depend on the career and the opportunity.

21. Do you own your own house?

Nope, but my Mom does so I’m pretty much set.

22. Do you have a go-to person?

It depends on the nature of the situation as to who I would contact or go to if something goes wrong, but for the most part, I’ve learned that the only person I can truly depend upon is myself. Everyone else will end up letting you down.

23. Are you where you want to be in life?

Nope, but I’m better than I was so no complaints.

24. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?

Super Friends, Laff-A-Lympics, Bugs Bunny / Road Runner Show, etc.

25. What do you think has changed about you since you were a teenager?

My temper is better, I think before I act now and I’m much more responsible. And on the other side of it, I’m much less outgoing and way more reserved. And not nearly as sociable.

26. Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?

Nope

27. Are there times you still feel like a kid?

Absolutely. My bro and his mini-me keep me young.

28. Did you have a pager?

Yep, back in the day…

29. Were you the type of kid you want your kids to hang out with?

Probably not. I wasn’t a bad kid really, but I was a bit of a weirdo sometimes… lol

And there you go.  Have a great one.

Ubuntu!

@ 00 survey meme template