2003 Slammy Awards (A Parody) – July 21, 2003
There hasn’t been any Slammy Awards in a while, but there ought to be. It’s the WWE’s answer to the Grammys, the Oscars, and the Tony’s all wrapped up in one event. Here is a version of what just might happen if the WWE was to resurrect this lost treasure.
The 2003 Slammy Awards (Live from Madison Square Garden)
Fireworks and applause. Here is your host – Chris Jericho..
Y2J: What up assclowns? Welcome to the Slammy’s Are Jericho! They wanted the best host they could find for this show. Carson and Letterman are washed-up losers! Billy Crystal is just a third-rate comic and Whoopi Goldberg is off somewhere hanging with her loser brother, Bill. So, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla is here and we’re ready to present some
awards. Presenting to some loser the Slammy for Best Commentator is a blast from the past – where’d they dig this joke up – the Boogie Woogie Man from New York City – Handsome – I think someone lied to him – Jimmy Valiant.
The song “Boy From New York City” plays as Jimmy Valiant comes on the stage..
Valiant: Ooooh, mercy! The boogie man feel good tonite, baby! Yeah! Boogie has to give out the award for best man on the stick – mercy baby. The best commentator. Oooh yeah! Make Boogie look good. And the nominees are .. mercy..
A pre-recorded voiceover booms out:
Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Taz, and Ernest “the Cat” Miller..
Valiant: Mercy baby! The winner is…
Valiant rips open the envelope.
Valiant: My man, the Cat. Ernest “the Cat” Miller. Have mercy..
Ernest Miller comes on stage..
Ernest: Man, I didn’t expect this. Someone call my mama – I’m gonna have to beat somebody up. Thanks to everyone. You know what! You know what Boogie-man? I feel like dancing. Somebody hit my music..
James Brown music blares from the loudspeakers as Ernest Miller and Jimmy Valiant start dancing on stage.
Chris Jericho: Someone get those two assclowns off the stage. I see being a moron transcends all generations. If that’s the kind of losers we have to see all night, this is going to be a long one. Here is the next presenter for the Slammy for Best Buns. This can’t be right. It is? OK – here is Hulk Hogan..
Real American blares over the spreaker-system as Hulk Hogan climbs on the stage.
Hogan: You know bruthuhs, Vince McMahon didn’t want the Hulkster to be here tonite.
Jericho (from his announce position) Why are you here, Hogan? I thought you were fired after your little Mr. America ruse fell through.
Hogan: Well, you know bro, that Hulkamania lives forever! And let me make one think perfectly clear. I am not Mr. America, bruthuh!
Jericho: We all saw the video of you unmasking. Why continue with this charade. It’s over, Sulk!
Hogan: I wouldn’t lie to all the Hulkamaniacs out there, bruthuh! Say your prayers and take your vitamins. Whatcha gonna do …
Jericho: Just announce the nominees, you steriod infected, bald headed assclown..
Hogan: What nominees? It’s all about Hulkamania, bruthuh! Whatcha gonna do … whatcha …
Jericho: Get that loser off the stage – someone do the nominee things.
Several security men run onstage and grab Hogan who tries to no-sell their attempts to subdue him.. He starts to Hulk up, and gets sprayed by pepper spray. He starts to no sell, but falls to the ground, gasping for air.
Hogan: Bruthuh – supposed to job.. (cough – cough) put me over (cough) .. why?
Hogan passes out as the security guards haul him off.
Chris Jericho: Good riddance, you jackass! And the nominees are:
Pre-recorded voiceover fills the arena.
The Nominees for Best Buns Are: Rickishi, Mr. McMahon, Mr. Ass Billy Gunn, & Torrie Wilson.
Jericho: and the Best Buns Slammy goes to: our boss, Mr. McMahon..
Vince’s music plays, but no one comes out.
Jericho: Mr. McMahon couldn’t be here tonite. He’s having Patterson and Brisco’ s lips surgicially removed from his extraordinary posterier, so I’ll accept this for him. Thank you very much. And now our next presenters.. Here is Booker T.
Booker T comes out to great applause.
Booker: What’s up? It’s time for the five-time,five time, five time, five time, five time WCW champion, and the current WWE Intercontinential champion.. Don’t hate the playa – hate the game. These are the nominees for the slammy for “best death”. And while these people announce the nominees, it’s time for a slammy-spineroonie.
Booker does a “spineroonie” while the names are read over the speaker system.
Pre-recorded voice over: The nominees for “best death” are Al Wilson, Roddy Piper, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Nash.
Booker: And the winner is: Hulk Hogan. Now can you dig that, suckah!
Hulk Hogan comes out to accept his slammy.
Hogan: Well, it’s like this bruthuh!(cough) I’ve got these 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania is the strongest force in the Universe. I just got pepper sprayed, but I don’t job for nobody, bruthuh! McMahon thought I was through. Bruthuh! Well, this slammy proves, once and for all, that Hulkamania is running wild! So what ya gonna do. What ya gonna do.
Jericho (from the sidelines): Hey Hogan! Hogan!
Hogan: What do you want, Jericho?
Jericho: I want to see you get your ass kicked by security again. Did you read the slammy, you freak? It’s for death, like your career, like Hulkamania, like this crowd everytime you start to speak…
Hogan: Death? Bruthuh? Who died bruthuh? Hulkamania isn’t dead, bruthuh! It’s the strongest force in the universe. What ya gonna do..
Jericho: Cut his mic off. Security, get this moron out of here. Ask not for who the Undertaker comes Hogan – he comes for you – you bald headed Thunderlipped jackass. And here’s our next presenter. Straight from an AA meeting near you – it’s Scott Hall.
Massive applause as Scott comes to the podium.. You see Hogan come by, being chased by security.
Scott Hall: Hey yo! Before we do this award thing, I think it’s time for a little survey. You know how this works, OK. Hey yo!
Crowd is totally silent..
Hall: So, are you all here to see … WCW?
The crowd remains totally silent!
Hall: Or.. are you here to see the N.W.O.?
Crowd is still totally silent.
Jericho: Hey, Scott! The NWO is gone – WCW is gone – it’s all WWE now, you greased up monkey!
Hall: Gone? What about the Wolfpac?
Hall: When did all this happen, Jericho?
Jericho: About 2 1/2 years ago.. Where have you been?
Hall: I went to the 7-11 for a beer and – I don’t remember – hey, yo!
Jericho: You don’t remember?
Hall: Hey, yo! Hey, yo! Hmmmmmm! Hey yo!
Jericho: This assclown has lost it – someone get him off the stage.
Kevin Nash comes out and leads Hall off the stage. A voice reads over the soundsystem: And the nominees for Best Dressed Slammy are : Ric Flair, William Regal, Golddust, and Rico..
Jericho: The winner is (and it should be me – I’m a Hollywood fashion plate) William Regal.
William Regal comes out to the podium.
Regal: Thank you. I didn’t really expect all you commoners and lowlifes to be able to look past your fashions by Wal-Mart to realize what an elegant and dapper appearance can do for a man. I only wear the very best, custom-made, by my own personal designer in London. It’s so hard to maintain a proper appearance when dealing with lower forms of life so often. But every so often, it is appreciated and for that, and this award, as your good will ambassador, I thank you.
Jericho: What the? What the hell did that pompous ass-clown say? Go sip some tea, you biscuit and crumpet eating jackass. Here is the next award – the Slammy for Best Diva. Your presenters are Chris Benoit and Jerry “the King” Lawler.
Applause as Beniot and the King come to the podium.
Chris: You know, King, an important part of the WWE these days are it’s Diva’s.
Chris: Not just puppies, but the intensity and effort put forth – these ladies are how I like ’em – silent but violent.
Lawler: They can get violent with me anytime – sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.. whoo-hoo!
Benoit: You’re a sick man, King.
Announcers voice: The nominees for best Diva are: Sable, Ivory, Trish, and Torrie Wilson
Benoit: And the winner is:
Absolutely no reaction from the audience as Sable comes out..
Sable: Thank you for this award. I do deserve it cause I am so Sablicious. All the men want to be with me and all the women want to be with me. (To Benoit and Lawler) – how about you men? Do you want to have a sablicious good time?
Lawler: Puppies! (he falls to the ground, clutching his heart!) puppies! puppies!
Benoit grabs Sable and puts her in the crippler-crossface as the audience goes nuts. Security runs in and pulls Benoit off as Lawler continues to roll around on the floor, grasping his heart..
Lawler: Puppies! I want puppies!
Jericho: Well, Benoit! I guess that’s one way to leave an impression on a lady. But that was no lady. That was a nasty, skanky, sleezy, bottom-feeding, trashbag, ho!
Stephaine McMahon (from offstage): What?
Jericho: Not you Steph – the other nasty, skanky, sleazy, bottom-feeding trashbag ho!
Lawler and Sable are stretchered off stage as the show continues.
Jericho: And now, presenting the Slammy for Locker Room Leader is: Brother Love..
Brother Love comes out.
Love: I looooovvveee you! Yes, brothers and sisters. It’s me – here to talk about loooovvvvve! The looovvvve of men in a locker room – the loooovvvve of a man for his brothers and sisters that he provides leadership – he offers advice – he provides looovvvveeeee! He is a leader. And the slammy for providing the most loooovvveee as a locker room leader goes to:
Voice on speaker: The nominees are: Undertaker, Bill DeMott, Al Snow, Tommy Dreamer
Love: Yes! Yes! Thank you, brother announcer. The winner for the slammy of looovvee is: Brother Undertaker..
Undertaker comes out to deafening applause.
Taker: It’s all about respect. This is my yard, and if you want to make a name here..
Love: Brother Undertaker… Brother Undertaker..
Love: You talk about respect. You talk about looovveee! but what about respect for me. What about respect for Brother Love? I brought you into the WWE and I demand re………..
Undertaker grabs Brother Love by the throat and chokeslams him off the stage. Then Taker walks off the stage as the audience goes nuts.
Jericho: Someone call the EMT’s. I guess that red-faced baboon found out all about the Undertaker’s love. Jackass! Here is another blast from the past – where do they find these dinosaurs – the Macho Man Randy Savage..
The Macho Man comes out!
Macho: Ooooohh – yeah! The macho man is back! Oooohhh – yeah! Got some nominees – gonna get a slammy – yeah! What it’s all about tonite – yeah! The nominees for Most Inspirationial Wrestler are … Oooohhhhhh – yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh! Dig it!
Voice of Announcer: Kurt Angle, Zach Gowen, Christian, Randy Orton, Stone Cold Steve Austin…
Savage: Feel the chill and savor the moment – yeah! The winner is, dig it, Steve Austin. Ooohhhh Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!!!
Here comes Stone Cold…
Austin: Most inspiratioial, huh?
Austin: I inspire!
Austin: I kick ass!
Austin: I run RAW!
Austin: And I drink beer!
Austin: I said I drink beer!
Austin: A lot of beer.
Austin: And I’m an inspiration?
Austin: A hero?
Austin: A role model?
Audience goes nuts…
Austin: And that’s the bottom line, cause Stone Cold said so…
Macho Man: Oooooooooooohhhhhh – yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh! Dig it!
Jericho: That was truly a hallmark moment of inspiration by our general manager, not! I don’t know how much more of this journey into dweebdom I can take. I’ve got to go for a little bit now! My band Fozzy, the worlds greatest Rock and Roll band, will be playing in a little bit, and we have to get ready. Taking over in the announce position is, from WCW Nitro, your favorite announcer, but not mine, Tony Schiavone.
Tony Schiavone: Thank you, Chris. This is truly a great night, one of the greatest nights in the history of the WWE. The 2003 Slammys. Our next presenter is truly one of the greatest performers in the history of sports entertainment – the leader of Team Canada, one of the greatest franchises in the history of World Championship Wrestling, it’s Lance Storm..
The audience starts to chant: “Boring! Boring!”
Lance: If I can be serious for a moment….
(Lance pulls out some index cards and reads a prepared statement!)
Lance: A Slammy award is a very prestigious thing with a history dating back to the mid-1980’s. This is the Slammy presentation for the “best tattoo” by a WWE Superstar. And the nominees are:
Voice of Announcer: Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, Brock Lesnar, Undertaker, Kane
Lance: And the winner is: Kane!
Kane comes out and grabs Storm by the throat – chokeslamming him through the announce podium. The fans cheer wildly as Kane raises his arms and lightning flashes from the sky and sets Storm on fire – leaving nothing but a black, burnt mass of charred flesh.Kane then grabs his Slammy and walks offstage. The fans give him a standing ovation..
Schiavione: Wow! That was truly the greatest spectacle in the history of sports-entertainment. Kane is a monster. Wow! Somebody clean that mess up.. While the ring crew cleans up Lance Storm, who is really going to hurt in the morning, let’s go to the side stage for some musical entertainment. It’s truly the greatest rock band in the … oh to hell with it … here’s Chris Jericho and Fozzy..
On a side stage, Chris Jericho and Fozzy launch into an amazing rendition of the Doors ‘Light My Fire’. Midway through the set, Kane comes charging onto the stage and begins to chokeslam all the band. Jericho, who saw Kane coming out of the corner of his eye, runs off-stage and jumps into a waiting limo. Havoc ensues as Kane totally destroys all the band equipment and sets the drummer on fire. The audience is totally into all this and cheers loudly as each piece of equipment and band member is destroyed.
Back to Tony Schiavone..
Schiavone: Wow! That’ll put butts in the seats. The most incredible scene of mass destruction in the history of Sports entertainment. Where do we go from here? I apologize fans. Things are crazy here. We don’t know what’s happening. The next award – sure. Here’s Sable..
Sable comes out to absolutely no crowd reaction.
Sable: I know what you fans want. You want to see me, Sable! The award I’m presenting is for the best New Sensation in the WWE. Let’s see which young stud get’s to have a Sablicious good time tonite..
Announcer: The Nominees are: Brock Lesnar, John Cena, Sean O’Haire, Randy Orton
Sable: (doing the grind!) All you men want me and all you women just want to be me.. The winner and Best New Sensation is : John Cena
John Cena comes to the podium..
Cena: Hey – yo, yo, yo! Word is life
I got this here Slammy
they say I’m the best
I’m holding this here gold
and looking down Sable’s dress
the best new sensation
in the WWE
but I’m a veteran
of everything in the ring
I guess it’s all cool
cause I won and not the Dead man!
Kane’s setting everything on fire
Storm looks like he fell from the frying pan
I’ll take this gold
and just enjoy the moment
looking at all the Diva’s
have got me pushing up a tent
having to listen to Schiavione
is making me a little sick
I’m the best new sensation in the WWE
and everyone else can suck my ……..
Sable: That rap makes me hot… Hey, John.. Want to have a Sablicious good time?
Cena: With you, you skank ho? I’ve heard about you from Jericho. Get away from me before you ooze skuz on my slammy..
Cena walks off the stage .. Sable follows..
Sable: But John………..
Schiavone: Well, that’s about it for tonite folks. We’re running out of time. This has been the greatest night in the history of the WWE and I…what? One more award to present – truly the most prestigious award in the history of the WWE. It’s the WWE Lifetime Achievement Award. And presenting the award is the Godfather of Soul, Teddy Long…
Teddy Long comes out..
Teddy: Let me holla at ya, playaz. This award is for lifetime achievement in the WWE. We all know it’ll be a white man to win tonite. His achievement is holding back the brothers. And my man, Rodney Mack. Let’s see what cracker-boy gets some glory tonite? Where is that announcer?
Announcer: The nominees for WWE lifetime achievement are: Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Ric Flair, Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels, and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Teddy: All right playaz – the man who wins this trophy is – it’s a tie. That blad-headed cracker, Steve Austin, and the 16-time world champion, Ric Flair.
Ric Flair and Steve Austin come to the podium.
Ric: It’s an honor to be given an award by the people for my lifetime achievement. Thank you!
Austin: What are you being so humble for, Flair?
Austin: You’re the 16 time world champ. You’re the Nature Boy. And you’re being humble.
Austin: Where’s the strut? Where’s the whooo?
Flair: I….I can’t!
Austin: Why not?
Flair: I just can’t..
Austin: Why? Did Triple H threaten to cut off your dry-cleaning..What?
Flair: Don’t talk about Hunter.. He’s the World Champion..
Austin: No, he’s a sorry ass little punk who’s screwing the boss’s daughter
Austin: A male whore.
Austin: Stephanie’s human sex machine!
Austin: A sorry piece of trash. Look at you Flair!
Austin: I said look at you! The 16 time world champion – the greatest wrestler in the history of the sport, and you’re scared of Triple H..
Flair: I’m not scared of Triple H.
Austin: Then prove it. Let out a whooo! Accept this award like Ric Flair should..
Ric: You mean stylin’ and profilin’?
Austin: Yeah! What?
Ric: You mean kiss all the girls and make ’em cry..
Ric: You mean, be a jet flying, limousine riding, wheeling dealing son of a bitch?
Ric: Cause diamonds are forever, and .. whooooooooo! So is Ric Flair. Whooooooo..
Austin: Hell yeah! he grabs Ric and goes for a stunner, but quits and backs off.. He hands Ric a beer.
Austin: I can’t do it. You’re the Nature Boy.. Have a beer.
Ric takes a beer and they do a toast. Here comes Triple H…
Triple H; What the .. Austin. what the hell are you trying to do?
Austin: I’m trying to drink a beer, you big nosed jackass.
Triple H: I had Flair all nuetered and you’re getting him all stirred up again..
IN the excitement, Trip forgot Flair was standing there, and listening to everything being said…
Flair: Nuetered? Nuetered? I’ll show you nuetered..
Triple H: Wait…Ric… I can explain……
Flair and Triple H start to fight as Austin chugs back a beer. Flair knocks Triple H to the ground and starts the Flair strut. Trip slowly gets to his feet, and is grabbed by Austin… Stunner… Triple H is out and Flair and Austin are standing over him..
Austin: Sorry son of a bitch..
Flair: Austin, you’re all right. Let’s blow this joint.
Austin: Yeah, we need some fresh beer.
Austin and Flair shake hands and walk offstage as EMT’s tend to Triple H.
Schiavone: Wow! Flair and Austin together. This is truly the greatest night in the history of sports entertainment. That’s it folks. For myself, Chris Jericho, and all the people here at the WWE, see you later….Wow!…