Tossing Salt Raw Recap
March 3, 2014
Doug Maynard

I had so much fun last week typing up a blog with running commentary last week as I watched Monday Night RAW, I’ve decided to do it again. RAW is live on the USA Network, coming to us from Chicago, IL. Somebody famous lives here, but for the life of me, I can’t remember who. Where’s the Disco Inferno when you need him? Let’s do this.

By the way, Happy Birthday to my sister, Terri. She turns 53 tomorrow (Tuesday). It’s party time in the ‘Burg!! Woo Woo Woo – you know it! Oh yeah, and never forget, “It’s all about Kronik!” ‘Nuff said!

Listen to that crowd. Let the chants begin. 14,000 Punk fans. We’ve got the Shield versus The Wyatts. Batista versus Daniel Bryan too. And here comes the music. The crowd pops as “Cult of Personality” plays. And here is Paul Heyman. The crowd is NOT happy. Heyman is encouraging the Punk chants. Paul sits down in the ring. AWESOME! Heyman is here to tell the story of a guy the WWE didn’t want. This is a nice twist on things. He’s doing his own”pipe-bomb”. Paul says Punk isn’t here and the fans don’t like that. Listen to that crowd! Heyman is blaming the fans that Punk is not here. Heel turn by Heyman. Loving this! Heyman takes credit for Punk being the WWE Champion for so long and blames the fans for taking him away. I think we’re getting a “fans screwed the fans” argument. Heyman blames The Undertaker too. Love how Paul turns the story to Brock’s match against Taker at Wrestlemania XXX. This is Heyman at his best. Heyman brings out Brock Lesnar. We see video where Taker stabs Brock in the hand with a pen and then giving a chokeslam. A “very special” way of contract signing. CM Punk chants still going on and Brock is going to speak. He thinks that Taker is scared. “What” chants by the fans. 1999 called – they want their chants back. Brock says he’s going to beat the streak.

Here comes Mark Henry. “That’s what I do!” didn’t last too long. Hey Mark – eat some steps. The announce table is cleared off and F-5 through the table. OUCH!! Brock looks impressive. CM Punk chants start again. That was short and sweet. I guess the “Hall of Pain” is out of business. Tag team title match is next. It’s The Usos fighting The New Age Outlaws. Damn, I was hoping for Paul Jones and The Masked Superstar. Oh well. I guess I’d better call somebody!

A title match on the TV. And The Outlaws are sporting hot new Wrestlemania XXX shirts. Road Dogg and Billy get the mics and they play to the crowd. Chicago isn’t worth of being told to “Suck It!”. Go figure. The Usos would make great dancers for Solid Gold. Is that show still on? Does anyone else besides me even remember that show? Road Dogg is looking pretty impressive tonight. I remember when throwing someone over the top rope was an automatic DQ. I wonder if Road Dogg remembers that too. I miss some of the old rules. Match is okay, but nothing really outstanding yet. It’s still early though so I expect things will pick up as it goes along. I also expect we’ll get a multi-team match at Wrestlemania XXX for the titles. Crowd is getting into the Usos and this match. The action is picking up. Superfly splash and the Usos win. New Champions!! Damn!! Congrats to Jimmy and Jey! That was a damn good splash!

Aaron Paul (of “Breaking Bad” fame) is here. He had a new movie out too called “Need For Speed”. It’s the cast of the WWE Diva show hanging out backstage. They like Aaron Paul. Aksana said something about “fast cars” and looked like a tool. Why would a “Funkadactyl” be hanging out backstage with Aksana? Why is Natayla hanging out with The Bellas? Where is Ivory, Lita and Trish? Oh vey!

Big E is wrestling Cesaro. Should be a good match. The fans like Cesaro. So do I. Short match with a short swing-time for Big E. Swagger gets involved and he costs Cesaro a match as the ref calls for a DQ. Big E does the ambush-style “Big Ending” on Cesaro. How long before the “Real American” break-up? Batista versus Daniel Bryan later tonight. And here comes “The Shield!” The rematch is next. Cool!

Six man rematch as The Shield takes on The Wyatt Family. Seth Rollins is looking damn good here. Well, he was until he fell off the top rope. Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark. I just noticed – why are “The Shield” on the “face” side of the ring? I like the tease of dissension between Ambrose and the rest of The Shield. Love the “Woooos” as Ambrose uses the figure-four on Rowan. Everytime I see Bray Wyatt do his thing, it makes me wonder how much time he spent hanging out with his Daddy’s former mentor / manager Kevin Sullivan when he was a kid. Sounds like a “Roman Reigns” chant going on there. Seth Rollins just dropped off the apron and is walking away from Ambrose. He tells Reigns to “figure it out”. Reigns is in and going nuts and cleaning house. Damn! reigns just put Rowan over the announce table. It’s OINGO BOINGO time. “This is awesome!” chants. “Sister Abigail” puts Ambrose away for the win. Wyatt’s win and that was damn cool. Seth Rollins watches from the ramp as The Wyatt’s celebrate their win.

And now we go to Bootista. Listen to those fans. He talks trash about the “Yes” movement and what passes for a WWE Superstar these days. He says that a guy like Daniel Bryan will never beat a guy like him. Short and sweet promo that I’m sure was pre-taped. The fans could hardly be heard and you know that ain’t right. I think I’m going to break down this week and get the WWE Network. It’s just the right thing to do. You know what Batista has in common with Missy Hyatt? They are both experts at sucking! That was wrong. My apologies to Missy Hyatt because no one sucks as bad as Batista. Yes, I do crack myself up sometimes… lol.

34 Days til’ Wrestlemania XXX. I’m glad they reminded me. I would have forgotten. The Usos are the new tag team champions. Congrats to them. Here is Fandango and Summer Rae. And they’re fighting Santino and Emma in a mixed tag match. I guess it’s time for our comedy match of the night. I’d rather see Hornswoggle versus Kevin Nash, but then again, Nash would probably tear a quad. CM Punk chants again. Santino and Emma keep doing the high-five and tagging in and out. Fandango attacks and we get some action finally. I like Fandango and he deserves better than this. Did I just see a “Tarantula”? Can’t remember who used to do that in WCW, but it was awesome. Emma makes Summer Rae tap out. And then we move quickly to Christian sneak-attacking Sheamus on Smackdown. I love to see Captain Charisma do his thing. We get to see Sheamus versus Christian up next. Why wait for Wrestlemania when we can do it again now. Let the Peeps rejoice because “The Peepmaster” and “The Great White” are up next. All together now… “Yay!”

What’s up with Stephanie and this WWE Network commercial. Damn kayfabe to hell. Who needs it, right? I don’t care what anyone thinks, but Christian is one of the best in-ring guys in the WWE right now. And Sheamus looks like a jar of mayonnaise mixed with some red peppers. He’s the “Celtic Warrior” again. When did he quit being “The Great White”? This should be another great match between these two. They have great chemistry together in that ring. Christian hides behind the announcers as the crowd does another CM Punk chant. I really do hope that at the end of the night, we do get to actually see Punk come out. I love to watch Christian and Sheamus wrestle, but they’re starting to lose my interest. Time to pick it up a slight notch guys. A long period of Christian domination. I really do hope we get a “Money In The Bank” match at Wrestlemania this year. Both of these guys would be right at home and really look good in such a match. Christian misses the splash and it’s Sheamus-time. The fans are losing interest. Sheamus clubbers away as the crowd counts along. The crowd is losing interest again and we’re getting more CM Punk chants again. This match is running too long it seems. Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick from the outside. A good match, but they lost the crowd roughly about half-way through. Too bad because both Sheamus and Christian deserve better. John Cena is here tonight. Oh yay! (Rolls eyes!)

Sheamus does an interview. And Christian attacks! Christian whoops ass and the referees pull him away. Didn’t even let him do a “Five Second Pose”. Damn! The Bella Twins are now wrestling Aksana and Alicia Fox. Weren’t the Bellas and Aksana hanging out together backstage earlier in the show? This match is painful to watch. If it wasn’t for “Total Divas”, these ladies would be stuck in the house shows and dark-matches. Where is Awesome Kong, aka Kharma, when we need her to come in and clean house. The audience is totally dead right now. I’d rather be watching G.L.O.W. – the ladies had better matches. Niki Bella with a “Shades of Lex Luger” torture rack. And then the pin on Alicia Fox. Thank god that’s over.

Daniel Bryan is next. And we’ve still got an hour and ten minutes left? Hmmmmm! I wonder what they have planned for the end of the night? Any Chicago style surprises? YES! YES! YES! YES! That’s next! The Chicago crowd likes their Daniel Bryan. Listen to that “Yes” chant. He says that they have a voice and are going to hijack RAW. Listen to that crowd go. CM Punk chants. Bryan wants to fight Batista or have HHH answer his challenge. He’s not leaving until one or the other happen. And here comes Stephanie and HHH. It’s Authority Time! Steph shouldn’t be wearing heels when facing off with Bryan. CM Punk chants again. The boos and jeers are so loud, we can barely hear HHH. Bryan is in HHH’s face and he has the people behind him. Bryan makes the challenge again for Wrestlemania XXX. HHH says nope. HHH calls this the “Excuses” and “Blame” era. HHH talks trash and we get another CM Punk chant. More insults by HHH towards Bryan and the crowd. Nice “Asshole” chant for HHH. Steph talks and the fans boo like crazy. I hope Bryan smacks HHH and spanks Steph. Steph takes credit for all of Bryan’s success. It’s because of her and her family. They “made” him. Bryan proposes wrestling Steph at Wrestlemania. HHH takes offense, but says it’s not going to happen. HHH tells Bryan to get out of his ring. “NO” chants. Bryan says it’s the “fan’s ring”. HHH pulls the power play and tells Bryan to leave. Bryan calls the bluff and says for HHH to make him. Steph calls out Kane. Bryan nails Kane and Steph calls out security. Daniel Bryan slowly leaves as Steph and HHH glare at him from the ring.

The announcers talk about Brock Lesnar and plug the WWE Network before introducing us to the panel for the pre-show, Booker T, Hacksaw Duggan and Alex Riley. Damn, they let him on TV. What the… ?? Bring back Alex Riley and The Miz as a team. That would be AWESOME!! Alberto Del Rio is climbing in the ring to wrestle. Someone just stole his gimmick. It’s Dolph Ziggler and Aaron Paul. Okay, that explains the car since they’re promoting the movie. At least he’s not trying to wrestle. Dolph versus Del Rio should be a good match. Looks like Aaron is going to do commentary. Del Rio is mocking Dolph. That’s funny. Dolph and Del Rio are two more that would be great to see in a Money In The Bank match. Let’s hope that we are that lucky. Aaron distracts Del Rio. Dolph with the Zig-Zag and the win. Dolph wins wiht the aid of the guest star. Big surprise. But it’s still good to see Dolph win.

It’s time to find out who’s next to be part of the Hall of Fame Class of 2014. Is it… Ole Anderson? Is it… The Masked Superstar? Is it… Baron Von Raschke? Is it… Juventud Guerrera? Is it… Eric Bischoff? All of those men are worthy, but it’s none of the above. The newest member of the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2014 is… Paul Bearer. Well deserved and glad to see it happening. Congratulations Paul Bearer. R.I.P.

And now, we have Big E versus Jack Swagger. Cesaro is in as soon as the bell rings and lays out Big E. Big E wins by DQ and Swagger isn’t happy. A shove by Swagger and Cesaro has Swagger in position for the big swing. Zeb Colter tells Cesaro not to do it. Cesaro lets Swagger go. Zeb says to help Swagger up. Zeb says that they’re going to let it go and to hug it out. A really “sincere” hug by Cesaro and Swagger. WE THE PEOPLE!! I really like this team and Dutch Mantell, aka Zeb…. he’s a hoot! Forget about Duck Dynasty. They need to film a reality series with Zeb as the lead. Dutch Dynasty!! I’d watch. And by the way, what ever happened to “Shoe Baby”? Inquiring minds want to know.

WWE Main Event is live on the WWE Network tomorrow night. The Usos defend the tag titles against The New Age Outlaws and Daniel Bryan is facing Kane. And it’s LIVE!! Watch it (or not). Here comes John Cena. Loud CM Punk chants again. Cena plays it off as always. Cena’s not wrestling because of doctor’s orders and the fans chant “Yes! Yes!”. Cena wanted to talk. The fans chant “CM Punk” again. I like how Cena gave Punk a little nod without actually saying his name. Cool beans! Cena starts talking about change and we get some “Yes” chants. Change goes through Cena. John started off with the WWE in Chicago and he’s still standing tall. Cue Bray Wyatt and the family. Another great promo from Wyatt backstage. He’s going to put Cena down. And we cut to Batista backstage. Randy Orton is here and he wishes Batista good luck. I guess Batista versus Bryan is next. If WWE is going to pull that surprise, they’d better kick it into gear and hurry up.

Here comes the blonde chick and the Bulgarian Brute, Alexander Rusev. I think 1985 called and they want their gimmicks back. He’s an impressive looking moneter of a guy, but so far, ‘eh. We go back to last week on RAW and get to see some “Hulkamania, brutha!”. Still hoping for a Hogan edition of Piper’s Pit at Wrestlemania XXX. Hogan will be here next week for a special announcement. Let’s keep those fingers crossed. Randy Orton is coming out to be at ringside for the Batista versus Bryan match. Very interesting. Okay, not really.

Lots of jeers and boos for Batista as he comes to the ring. And here comes Daniel Bryan and the crowd goes crazy. YES! YES! YES! “Bootista” chants. Daniel Bryan looks like he should be a serial killer. He just has that “look”. Good “wrestling” with Bryan going after the leg and working on one body part, breaking it down. It actually makes sense. Ole Anderson would be proud. Hmmmmm. No, he wouldn’t. But I’ll bet Arn is backstage watching with a big smile on his face. Or he’s playing cards with Malenko and Noble? Who knows? We’re in the over-run now. Where the hell is Punk? Looks like Meltzer was wrong. Write it down! Love that “flying goat” move. It’s vintage Bryan. Here comes “The Authority”. It’s screw-job time. More CM Punk chants. Batista threw Bryan on top of Randy. The fans are into it and Bryan with the “Shades of Ricky Morton” comeback. Randy is in and goes after Batista and then Bryan. Kane gets involved and HHH gets knocked to the ground as Kane falls off the apron. HHH is pissed and talks crap, but gets kicked in the face by Bryan. Spear and power-bomb by Batista on Bryan and HHH plants him with the pedigree. Steph mocks the “Yes” chants as The Authority (HHH, Steph and Kane) stand over a fallen Bryan.

And we go off the air. No CM Punk so it looks like Meltzer was wrong. A lot of development in the Daniel Bryan versus HHH potential match as they built that storyline along. A break-up by The Shield and a teased (for now) split for The Real Americans. It was a decent show that kept a good pace and delivered everything a fan could want except for maybe The Undertaker and CM Punk. Maybe that’s Hogan’s big announcement next week? One can only hope. It’s either Punk or the reformation of the nWo? Hell, I’d pop for either right now.

I guess it’s time to wrap this bad mama-jama up for now. I’ve got another column to go write (Tossing Salt – Worldwide News) and some shows to watch on Netflix as well. “Almost Human” is one of my new obsessions. And of course, there’s always “Family Guy” and “American Dad” too. So let’s recap the match results and then put this baby to bed.

Match Results…
The Usos defeated The New Age Outlaws to capture the WWE Tag Team Championship.
Big E defeated Cesaro by DQ when Jack Swagger got involved.
The Wyatt Family defeated The Shield
Santino and Emma beat Fandango & Summer Rae
Sheamus defeated Christian
The Bella Twins defeated Alicia Fox and Aksana
Dolph Ziggler w/ Aaron Paul defeated Alberto Del Rio.
Big E. defeated Jack Swagger by DQ when Cesaro got involved.
Batista versus Daniel Bryan: No Contest (Decision Not Announced)

And that’s all for me for now. Catch you later alligators. I’m Doug and I’m out of here for now.

Ubuntu!