Time for another rambling RAW recap. I’m watching the show and just going to talk and react as the night progresses.  Anything goes here so now it’s time to get RAW!

 

Last week, we had “Occupy RAW” and Daniel Bryan took over RAW and got his match against HHH and possibly into the main event at Wrestlemania.  YES! YES! YES! Great flashback – and I love how Steph says that the WWE is “all mine!”.  I wonder what Vince has to say about that?  Daddy’s little Princess is awesome in her “bitch-mode”.  

 

Starting off with HHH in the ring.  He’s blaming the fans for everything.  He’s going to end the “Yes Movement” and Daniel Bryan.  HHH will be calling out Daniel Bryan later tonight. And here comes Batista.  He gets even more boos than HHH.  I’d love to see Goldberg come from the crowd and spear his ass!  Or even Layla.  She’s back, right?

Batista wants to knw who HHH thinks he is.  Batista doesn’t like the idea of Daniel Bryan being in “his match”.  He is NOT a happy camper.  And here comes young Randall Orton, the WWE Champion.  Where’s Flair.  We have have an Evolution Reunion.  Whoooooooo!  Randy wants to know what HHH was thinking too.  HHH says Bryan WILL NOT beat him.  Orton wants Bryan tonight in a No DQ match.  HHH says OK.  Orton rags on Batista for a bit because no one cares about him.  Batista says that Orton sucks.  Very mature.  I feel like I’m watching playtime on the playground at play-school.  HHH starts to leave.  Orton and Batista tell him to “fix this”.  HHH is sick of everything and rags on both Orton and Batista.  Pipe-bombs!!  HHH thinks that the “old-man is right”.  HHH says that when he beats Bryan, HE will be in the triple-threat match at Wrestlemania XXX.  Damn!! Put Flair as the special ref and it would be perfect.  Orton nails Batista with a badly sold RKO.  Good segment.  

 

Later tonight, Cena responds to Bray Wyatt and the Usos are wrestling next against the Real Americans.  WE THE PEOPLE!  Expect plenty of other teams getting invloved and a big multi-team tag match for the belts at Wrestlemania XXX.  I’m calling it here. Maybe we’ll luck up and get some Natural Born Thriller action.  Where are Jindrak, Palumbo, Stasiak, O’Haire and Sanders when you need them?  Arn Anderson would make a great “Manager” for Cesaro.  Putting “Double A” in his corner and have Arn proclaim that Cesaro is “the new Enforcer” for the WWE.  Can you say “major rub” and “money”…

 

Batista is leaving. “Coming back was a big mistake”, he says.  Yes, I agree.  Go home Dave – you suck!  The Usos would be awesome on American Bandstand or Soul Train.  Are those shows still even on?  I like their pre-match dance.  Great “Shades of Ric Flair” chop by the Uso on Swagger.  Wooooooo!  Everyone loves the “We The People” movement.  Damn,Cesaro is a strong mo-fo!  This is a good match.  I definitely prefer tag team matches over singles matches.  That little kid in the Doritos commerical needs to have his butt tore up. “I don’t know.  Can you?”.  He pisses me off.  Put him in a Dorito Death Match against Kevin Sullivan.  He’ll be crying, “I respect you, bookerman” in a matter of seconds.  And will help bring in the groceries too without the lip.  Cesaro has the best “Shades of Lord Steven Regal” upper-cut in the business today.  Usos are good, but they showboat too much for the crowd.  The finish by Cesaro was AWESOME!!  REAL AMERICANS win!  I’m happy.  Looks like Swagger and  Cesaro are on the same page.  Great match. No interference from anyone, but no worries.  I was wrong and don’t even mind.

 

WWE Slam City?  *sighs*  I don’t have anything to say, so I won’t.  Yes, I’m stealing Randy Savage’s quote.  I do that sometimes.  We take a look back at Smackdown and The Shield decides NOT to help out Kane.  Big Show kicked Kane’s ass.  Kane gets mad and gets a Shield spear.  Kane and The Shield are backstage talking. Kane gives his loving pep talk and wants to know if the Shield are united and will do the right thing.  I think they will.

 

Hornswoggle is at the ring giving out St. Patricks Day stuff to the fans.  And here is Wade Barrett.  He has some bad news.  Barrett bashes St. Patrick’s Day and essentially calls the fans a bunch of drunks. Sheamus is here.  What is St. Patricks Day without the white-skinned Irishman? Where is Fit Finlay?  It’s Sheamus versus Titus O’Neil in a “St. Patrick’s Day Showdown”. Better than Judy Bagwell on a pole match, I guess.  Damn, what the hell is Titus wearing on his face?  Christian is at ringside. He’s part of the Battle Royal.  Titus is a big dude – bigger than Sheamus. I’d like to see Titus really cut loose.  Titus is beating up Hornswoggle.  Very cool!  Horny hit Titus in the stonach.  Shouldn’t there be a DQ?  Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick.  I still think he should have been DQ’ed when Hornswoggle made contact with Titus.  Renee’ is here and she really sucks as an interviewer. Sheamus says he’s part of the Battle Royal at Wrestlemania XXX.  Christian attacks Sheamus from behind.  The Peeps are happy.  Kill-Switch on the floor. Sheamus is out and hasn’t even started drinking yet.  Happy Shamrock Day, Sheamus.  Captain Charisma Rules!

 

Next week, it’s The Terminator.  Welcome home, Arnold.  And it’s the premiere of the Scooby Doo cartoon too.  Why do I have a craving for a Scooby-snack?  Here comes John Cena. Where my Wyatt’s at?  Guy in the audience is teaching his kid gang-signals.  Very cute!  Cena compares his relationship to the fans like that of an old married couple.  Cena says he’s afraid of Bray Wyatt and that the fans are listening to Bray.  Wyatt just wants to destroy.  Wyatt says that Cena is phoney and filled with evil.  Cena believes in himself (and in Santa Claus too.)  We get the super-Cena promo.  He’ll fight for everything and for his legacy (and Fruity Pebbles).  It’s Wyatt time.  Bray talks about his childhood and the scars he has. He’s not Mr. Positivity.  Bray says he could be Cena, but he’s not.  Bray is an odd fellow, but I like him.  And his daddy and Grandpa too. Daniel Bryan versus young Randall Orton is next and it’s no DQ.

 

This is Episode #1086 of RAW and I think I’ve seen 98% of them.  Damn, I’m old!  I just realized that Batista was walking pretty well and  wasn’t even messed up even though he had just been RKO’ed moments earlier by Orton.  The benefits of pre-taping segments, I guess.  Ooops!  Someone messed up!  Match is starting off kind of faster paced that I would have expected.  How long before we see The Authority, Kane and The Shield get involved?  Randy yells at the time-keeper. It’s no DQ.  That kendo-stick pop was out of nowhere.  These commercials are annoying though. I don’t much like him, but Randy is a good perfomer and makes a great ass-heel.  And Brya does the “Ricky Morton comeback” better than anyone working today.  Bryan and Orton have great chemistry and are putting on a helluva match.  Batista in and a spear to Orton.  Bryan knocks Batista from the ring and gets the pin.  Winner: Daniel Bryan.  YES! YES! YES!  Batista splats Orton with a Batista-bomb .  The fans are chanting “One More Time!”.  I think that’s the first postive cheer Batista has gotten since he’s been back.  That was a good match and I liked the ending.  I knew someone would get involved and even though it wasn’t who I expected, it worked well.   

 

I’m sick of the ads for the WWE Network.  My computer is too old and I can’t get it.  Damn you, WWE!  Damn you to Lifetime!  Paul Heyman is up next.  Can’t wait to see what the true “Gamesmaster” has to say.  By the way, Steve Austin, Rick Rude, Bobby Eaton, Arn Anderson, Larry Zbyszko and Madusa were all “Paul Heyman Guys” before it was fashionable and the thing to be.  Just saying.  I love how Heyman says “BROCK LESNAR!”.  Undertaker has barely survived his past few matches at Wrestlemania.  Lesnar has faced the same people and dominated.  We see video.  Heyman is correct because video doesn’t lie.  Heyman plugs Wrestlemania XXX and says that the streak will rest in peace.  We see HHH and Steph in the back and they’re talking business.  Steph isn’t happy.  Steph is all over HHH’s case and wants to know if he’s even thinking.  HHH says he’ll take care of things.  Steph says he’d better.  Trouble in paradise.

 

Here comes Fandango and Summer Rae. I like these two.  Fandango versus Disco Inferno dance-off. Book it because I want to see it!  It’s a freak-show as Fandango is facing Goldust next.  The song “Freaker’s Ball” by Dr. Hook just popped into my head.  Goldust has Cody with him and they dance, mocking Fandango and Summer. Dustin is having fun.  Cody doesn’t look thrilled though.  Looks like Goldust is in extra-fun mode tonight.  Summer falls and Cody catches.  Fandango makes the comeback and we’re getting a decent match.  Looks like Dustin flubbed that headscissors move and may have hurt himself.  I don’t think Fandango was in position.  Guess not because Goldust wins.  Or maybe is he hurt?  Looks like Goldust is pissed. I suspect we’ll be hearing more about this.  If Fandango ends up jobbing to JTG on Smackdown, we’ll know.

 

The Undertaker is on the Main Event tomorrow night on The Network.  Kane is here.  I just found out this past week that in his real life, Kane sells insurance. And you buy it… or else.  Kane is talking about the “Occupy RAW” stunt and is investigating how Bryan pulled off that stunt.  Kane says that Bryan had help and it’s time to take action.  Kane tells Lawler to get into the ring.  And here comes The Shield.  The Shield confront Lawler and make him get into the ring.  Kane asks Lawler if he wants to speak up for himself.  Rollins says that Bryan won’t save Lawler cause the Shield does what’s best for business.  And the Shield turns to Kane and it’s a three-on-one facedown.  Kane is talking junk, but gets a three-man Shield beatdown.  Kane fights back for a moment, but the trifecta-powerbomb plants Kane into the mat.  I like it!  Remember The Shield!  

 

I just realized something.  Where is The Miz?  Where is Dolph?  Where is Zack Ryder?  It’s RAW and no sign of any of these men.  Does this mean that the disgruntled worker faction rumor is true?  I hope so.  We haven’t seen any Divas yet tonight either, but I guess they’re all hanging out in the back having an Avon party with 3MB.  Okay, the Bellas are here and doing commentary for the next match. They’re here.  The Funkadactyls are here.  It’s Cameron and Naomi taking on AJ Lee and Tamina Snuka.  Naomi looks wicked with that eyepatch.  Scotty Riggs is watching and probably smiling. Tamina is a beast.  I’d love to see her go up against former WWE Diva and TNA Knockout Lisa Marie Varon aka Victoria / Tara.  That’d be a good match.  This match though, was not very good.  AJ is throwing a hissy-fit and blaming Tamina for her losses. Taminais mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.  AJ has her psycho-face on.  This is Kevin Nash versus Shawn Michaels all over again, but with boobs, bad wrestling and barely any fan interest. Maybe we’ll see Tamina tear a quad?  Just kidding!  I like Tamina and it’s not like she’s Kevin Nash or anyone.

 

New Hall of Fame Announcement is next. We already have Jake Roberts, Lita, Paul Bearer, Ultimate Warrior and Carlos Colon. And now, joining the group is Mr. T.  I pity the fool who don’t like Mr. T.  A good choice and pick. Where is Cyndi Lauper though?  Or Andy Kaufman?  Just saying… Congratulations to Mr. T… fool!  We go back to last week and see Hulk Hogan taking credit for a Battle Royal in honor of Andre The Giant at Wrestlemania XXX. I really don’t think it was Hulk’s idea.  And whoever wins, Hulk will “present” the trophy and hog the spotlight, cause that’s how he does.  

 

Eight-man tag action is coming up.  Big Show says he’s in the Battle Royal.  He started off as Andre’s “son”, so why not.  It’s Big E, Dolph, Big Show and Mark Henry versus Ryback, Alberto Del Rio, Curtis Axel and Damien Sandow.   Who wants to bet this match ends up as a mini Battle Royal?  The crowd is just totally dead for this match.  I’m getting bored too. Only 34 minutes left to go.  Things need to pick back up or what has been a decent show will end up fizzling out.  Maybe if The Sandman pops up and comes down to nail everyone with his kendo stick and drink some beer?  That would spark things up a bit.  Or I could just sing? Maybe not.  Ryback is a strong man with his “Shades of Ric Flair” long suplex.  Dolph’s lunge into the corner reminds me of the late, great Curt Hennig. And it starts – I told you.  Everyone is going over the top… just like a Battle Royal.  Chokeslam and Big Show gets the win for his team.  

 

Batista is in the back and Renee talks to him. Batista says that he’s gettting the WWE World Championship and he doesn’t care who he defeats. Go ahead and get Grandma from the kitchen, Cousin Luke from the padded room and Sister Abigail from the back porch. Bray Wyatt is wrestling next.  Follow the Buzzards!!!  Undertaker is on The Main Event this week.  John Cena fights Luke Harper on Smackdown.  And Kofi Kingston (had forgottten about him) is fighting Bray Wyatt… They’re here!

Eminem’s “Legacy” – that was awesome.  Bray just lays next to Kofi and sings.  Eminem, he is not.  Hell, he’s not even Johnny Weaver when it comes to singing.  Good thing he has that wrestling and promo ability to fall back on.  Just a squash match.  Bray plays the psycho so well.  I’m sure that Cousin Luke is very proud.  I love their music and characters.  So long Kofi, we barely remember you.

 

And here comes HHH.  I guess since he didn’t have the full-scale music earlier, he’s making up for it now.  It’s time for HHH to have a face-to-face and man-to-man with Daniel Bryan.  HHH wants to get a few things off his chest.  HHH says that everything he’s done is because he believes that it’s best for business.  It’s not personal.  HHH feels that this moment was destined to happen.  HHH is putting an end to everything because he has no choice.  HHH says no hard feelings and offers a handshake. May the best man win.  Bryan won’t shake HHH’s hand.  Subtle shot at CM Punk from HHH.  We get the CM Punk chant.  HHH says Bryan has earned his respect.  And here is Stephanie.

 

What Bryan did is illegal.  She’s pressing charges.  Steph has officers come to the ring and they’re here to arrest Daniel Bryan.  HHH and Steph are arguing on the ramp while the cops swarm and take down Bryan with the batons and handcuffs.  HHH gets into the ring and that’s not what he wants. He tells the cops to back off.  HHH sends the security to the back and then kicks HHH in the face and just beats the holy hell out of Bryan while he’s handcuffed and laying on the mat. Steph is screaming like a harpie while the beatdown continues.  Bryan tries to fight back, but to no avail.  “You suck” chants as HHH beats and Stephanie shreiks.  It’s all HHH as Bryan continues to fight back.  Finally, Steph and HHH mock the “Yes Movement!” with hand motions.  Steph gets some slaps in as Bryan says that she “hits like a girl”. Chair shot to the head of Bryan and he’s out.  Steph mocks him and HHH stands tall over the fallen, unmoving former “American Dragon”.  Big pedigree by HHH.  HHH and Steph share a kiss.  HHH says that it’s their ring, their show, etc.  There is no “YES Movement!”.  And that’s all folks…

 

 

The Real Americans beat The Usos

Sheamus beat Titus O’Neil

Daniel Bryan defeated Randy Orton

Goldust beat Fandango

The Funkadactyls defeated AJ Lee & Tamina Snuka

Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry and Big E defeated Damien Sandow, Ryback, Curtis Axel & Alberto Del Rio

Bray Wyatt over Kofi Kingston

 

And there you go.  That’s RAW for Monday, March 18, 2014. Not a bad show at all. It kind of stalled towards the end, but picked back up and delivered nicely in a big, big way.  And with that, I’m out of here.  I’ll be back in a few hours from now with a new edition of pro wrestling’s most eclectic column, “Tossing Salt – Worldwide News”.  Comments and questions can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com or else come visit me on Facebook at facebook.com/saltpalace.  Thank you for reading and I’ll catch you on the flip side.  Take it sleazy!

 

Ubuntu