It’s Monday night and it’s time to do that rambling RAW recap thing.  What I like to do is not necessarily recap move for move or match for match.  You can go plenty of places to see that.  Instead, I write about what’s happening on my TV screen and just whatever pops into my head as the show progresses.  It’s usually wrestling related, but no promises.  And I’m have to use the DVR and catch a replay tonight to do this.  Spent the earlier part of the night with my 2-year old nephew, Kayden.  I wanted to watch RAW.  He wanted to watch Nick Jr.  I pouted. He pouted more.  We watched Nick Jr.  I am so happy I had the DVR set here at the dark, deep and dusty offices of Tossing Salt Media, Inc.  What the hell is a “Bubble Guppie” anyhow?  And “Peppa Pig”?  Oh vey… if I didn’t love that kid…

 

Okay, time to get all RAW.  Not sure where they are, but does it really matter?  We’re two weeks away from Wrestlemania XXX and still no word if Disco Inferno and Alex Wright, The Boogie Knights will be there.  Come on now – a dance off between Disco and Fandango.  It has to happen.  Please!!  We start off with a recap of last week as HHH plays the game with Steph and they beat the holy hell out of Daniel Bryan.  It went on a bit long… well, way too long actually, but it did it’s job and made the anticipation for the HHH / Bryan match at Wrestlemania XXX much stronger.  “Not even real cops”…. that cracked me up.

 

Here comes Steph.  Why does she always wear black?  Johnny Cash, she’s not.  She’s one of the “principal owners” now.  I guess the Steph versus Vince battle to be the boss of everything and everyone is off… for now.  Daniel Bryan is not here, but they had to send a message that insubordination is not to be tolerated.  Steph is laying it on thick tonight with the power-trip speech.  She loves her some HHH too.  She says he’s going to be the next WWE World Champion.  And here comes Randy Orton.  He’s not here to argue, but if HHH makes it to the main event, he can’t be responsible for what he has to do to HHH when he beats HHH and Batista to a pulp. HHH needs to walk away from the title match.  And now we get Batista.  It’s all driving Batista crazy. He says he’ll be the next champ.  He doesn’t care who it is.  Batista is having mic problems.  Good – he can’t talk anyhow.  HHH has never beaten Batista.  Dave calls Randy a suck-up.  Dave with the burn on Steph.  She’s been drooled on a lot.  She slaps the glasses off his face.  Randy laughs.  And Batista splits the jeans when he spears Randy.  Gotta love this live TV.  Later tonight, Cole talks to HHH.  And the Scooby Doo plugs have started.  John Cena is taking on Luke Harper later tonight.  And Hogan and friends are here too.  So is Undertaker and Brock.  A jacked show for later.  I just want to see Steph slap Batista again.  I heard she hits like a girl, but damn if that wasn’t impressive.  If we can’t see Steph go all slappy again, how about Kwee Wee.  That might be fun too.

 

Del Rio and Christian are in the ring.  We get a 4-Way match to find someone to fight Big E.  Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus are the other two guys.  The winner goes after Big E on the Main Event tomorrow night on The Network.  I hope Christian wins.  It’s no count-outs or no disqualifications.  Should make for a good match.  I would love to see Del Rio and Christian as a tag team.  They would work well together. I’ll bet Del Rio is a Peep.  JBL is right about Big E on commentary. So long as he doesn’t speak, he’s great.  Big E reminds me of “Big Cat” Curtis Hughes.  I watched him (Hughes) on a WCW pay-per-view this morning.  Gotta love The Network.  Also watched The State Patrol. Guess it’s not all good.  Did you know that Terry Taylor and Greg Valentine were once the U.S. Tag Team Champs?  I had forgotten all about that, but now I remember.  Did I say that so far, I’m loving The Network?  Well, I am. Sheamus versus Christian in a match would make good pre-show filler for Wrestlemania. They have great chemistry.  Christian and William Regal would make a great team too.  I hate Sheamus’s clotheslines.  They look kind of sad.  Dolph’s X-Factor on Sheamus from the top was great… or as Joey Styles would say, “OH MY GOD!”.  This is a good match.  Christan wins.  He fights Big E tomorrow night on the Main Event for the IC title.  Christian as the IC champ going into  Wrestlemania XXX?  I like that idea.

 

It’s The Wyatt’s.  Bray sings and cuts another amazing promo.  He wants to know if John Cena has even seen him for what he is.  Mind games.  “Shades of Kevin Sullivan” – there’s a new Gamemaster in town.  Did you know that the WWE has their own Network?  I’m glad they remind us every two minutes or I may have forgotten.  Two weeks until Wrestlemania XXX.  I guess we won’t be seeing Goldberg versus Ryback.  Too bad.  Bray reminds me of the Bubble Guppies.  That show is stuck in my head.  Shoot me now!

 

Scooby Doo, Where are you?  In the movies, and at Wrestlemania XXX too.  Maybe he can have a “Scooby Snack Match” against the Dog-faced Gremlin, Rick Steiner.  I don’t want to see this. Sin Cara and Scooby Doo are both here and coming to the ring.  I’d rather see Robocop or Chucky.  Damien Sandow versus Sin Cara w/ Scooby Doo.  Cara flies around and Sandow just bumps.  This match sucks. The fans don’t seem too into it either.  Cara wins in a glorified squash.  That was very forgettable.

 

We go to tape from Smackdown where Kane has The Real Americans, Rybaxel and 3MB go after The Shield in a major beat-down before setting them up for a New Age Attack by Road Dogg, Billy Gunn and Kane himself.  Someone doesn’t believe in The Shield.  I do though.  I also believe in magic, karma, love at first sight and life on other planets.  And Muppets – can’t forget the Muppets.  

 

Los Matadores versus Ryback and Curtis Axel.  Axel is a good talent. He’s not “perfect” yet, but close.  The Shield is here.  Los Matadores with a quick pin after the distraction.  The Shield surrounds the ring. Attack and Axel gets planted outside the ring.  Spear by Reigns and he gets the Trifecta Power-bomb.  It’s all about The Shield.  Axel and Ryback just got their asses beat.  Payback is a bitch.  Hogan and Arnold are here.  HHH is talking next. Time to play the game.  I like Monoploy.  Uno is good too.  When I say “U”, you say “no”…. Nah, it’s just not the same.  I guess I’ll stick with Spades.  Shout out to Larry Wayne, Chad, Chris, Carl and Carson.  Stoney Crew Forever!

 

April 5th, we get the WWE HOF Ceremony. So far, it’s Ultimate Warrior, Jake Roberts, Lita, Carlos Colon, Mr. T, Paul Bearer and a rumored Bad Guy.  Guess we’ll get the confirmation later tonight.  Here comes HHH to talk to Michael Cole.  Where is Mean Gene when you need him?  Or Missy Hyatt?  Another replay of the Daniel Bryan beat-down from last week on RAW by HHH.  HHH blames Bryan and the “Occupy RAW” folks forced his hand and made him do what he had to do.  HHH is full of excuses and says that Bryan got what he deserved and asked for.  He calls the fans apathetic.  I wonder how many people had to go get a dictionary for that word?  HHH is ready to start “The Reality Era”. At Wrestlemania, HHH ends Bryan, the “Yes Movement” and becomes the WWE World Champion.  He has the power and no one can stop him.  I was hoping that Batista would come out and spear HHH when he stopped on the ramp to button his jacket. That would have been cool.  And Batista sucks, but I still would have marked out. I wish I had an eggroll. I’m hungry.

 

Last week, Goldust beat Fandango. And now, it’s Fandango again.  And Goldust again.  And Cody. Okay, it’s Cody versus Fandango.  Makes sense, I guess.  Fandango despises Disco. If that isn’t a call for a Disco Inferno versus Fandango match, I don’t know what is. Come on now Vince, make it happen.  This match is okay, but I’m having trouble getting into it. Would love to see Goldust “accidentialy” cost his bro the match.  Then we could get Cody versus Goldust at WM XXX.  Dustin’s dancing at ringside and antics with Summer are hilarious.  Summer goes down and Fandango is distracted.  Cody wins.  

 

We look at the movie “Sabotage”.  I don’t care.  Go watch “Red State” on Netflix instead.  Arnold looks old.  Hell, he is old.  Arnold, Joe and Hulk Hogan are coming up next.  Hey, I hear that the WWE and Scooby Doo have a new movie / DVD coming out. Go watch that instead. Arnold said he’d be back and he is. I just don’t care.  Or “Bad Words”. Just saw the commerical for that.  Now that’s entertainment. I still wish Hogan would use his nWo theme music.  I thought it was supposed to be “4 life!”… brutha!  Lots of chants for Hogan, but not nearly as many as there are in the “Yes Movement!”.  Hulk brings out Arnold and Joe.  Someone please come out and stop this crap.  Arnold and Joe in the Battle Royal?  Lord, I hope not!  I’d rather see Hornswoggle.  And luckily, here comes The Miz. He’s going to get punked.  I hope not, but I know so.  And there you go.  I hope he got a big bonus for that piece of stupidity. Miz says he’s going to win the Battle Royal.  Hogan country, my ass!  Miz punked out by two actors and Arnold – that’s just so wrong on so many counts.  I don’t care what anyone says.  He’s the Miz… and he’s… DECENT!

 

Total Divas Note:  I would love to see Natayla unleashed and totally kick Summer Rae’s ass.  She (Natayla) deserves so much better than she gets treated.  The Rock is playing Hercules.  Titus O’Neil is here and fighting The Big Show.  This should be short and sweet.  And yes, it was.  I hope that Undertaker and Brock have a great segment because the quality level is falling quickly. I wish I hadn’t quit drinking.  This makes me want a Platinum.  Or a Pepsi.  Can’t go wrong with Pepsi.  Steph and HHH are backstage. And here’s The Shield.  The Shield want to make sure that things with The Authority are cool despite their problems with Kane and The New Age Outlaws.  Steph makes match of Real Americans versus The Shield and says that they can all talk later.  John Cena is in the bathroom looking in the mirror.  Looks like he’s having issues.  Maybe he’ll see The Warrior in the mirror.  Nah, we can’t see him.  Was that supposed to mean anything.  Cena is jumpy.  Hell, if my girlfriend was made of plastic, I’d be jumpy too.  Ok, that makes no sense. At least I’m trying.  I should have stopped with the Warrior reference.

 

Luke Harper took the fight to Cena on Smackdown, but Super-Cena won. And now, it’s John Cena versus Luke Harper again.  New shirt – “You Can’t Stop Me”.  Yeah, whatever John.  I like how Bray has started naming the town before he says, “We’re here!”.  Sounds like most of the fans are for Harper.  “Let’s Go Harper” chant.  “Fruity Pebbles” chant too. I don’t think that Cena is the fan favorite here.  Harper reminds me of a modern day version of Bruiser Brody, but not quite as crazy.  Could you imagine a tag team of Harper and Mike Knox?  That’s a “Captain Lou” style tag team right there, but they’d be awesome.  “Shades of MIke Awesome” suicide dive by harper.  That was great.  And time to repeat myself.  As Joey Styles would say, “Oh my God!”.  I’m enjoying this match.  Lights are off and when they come back on, Cena is tied in the ropes and wearing the goat mask of Rowan.  Bray laughs and Harper is still getting the cheers and chants.  The lights went off and I was hoping for an ECW chant and an appearance by Sabu when they came back on.  This works too though.  Bray Wyatt versus Sabu – that would be fun to see.  The Wyatts versus Raven’s Flock?  Even better.  I guess the match is no contest, but in my mind, Harper wins.

 

It’s Funkadactyl Time.  Naomi is wrestling AJ Lee, with Tamina.  Naomi looks like a pirate.  AJ and Tamina still reminds me of HBK and Diesel.  AJ isn’t ready to play tonight and walks out. The ref counts her out.  Winner by Count-out – Naomi.  Here comes Vickie. EXCUSE ME!  Vickie heard the comments that AJ made about her and Vickie has an announcement. Vickie calls AJ a bitch.  At Wrestlemania XXX, there will be a Divas Championship Invitational.  Vickie names off about a dozen names – al the WWE Divas versus AJ for the title.  Tamina seems happy.  Vickie is estatic.  And AJ freaks out and isn’t a happy camper at all.  

 

We see a replay of Paul Heyman from last week talking about Brock ending the streak.  This comes from the Main Event. Taker tells Heyman to tell Lesnar that in New Orleans, Taker will “slay the beast”.  Brock and Undertaker are both here tonight.  So was Scooby Doo and Arnold.  I’m not impressed.  We get an announcement next.  Survey says, one more for the bad guys!.  Oh yeah, by the way, congratulations to Razor Ramon, aka Scott Hall – he’s next and I’m not talking about a match against Goldberg.  Hall deserves it!  Good for him!  The video though, it’s all about “Razor Ramon” and not Scott Hall in the AWA, Florida or WCW.  Razor is just a small part of the story for his great career. That part sucks and why the character and not the real name?  It should be “Hall” and not “Razor”, but I guess we’ll take what we can get.  He still deserves the honor.  

 

Next week is Randy Orton versus Batista.  Daniel Bryan tweeted that he’s not cleared to be on RAW tonight.  It’s The Shield  versus The Real Americans.  Ambrose and Rollins versus Swagger and Cesaro.  This is going to be a good match. Too bad “Uncle Zeb” is not active in the ring anymore or we could have one helluva six-man tag.  Anyone remember The Kansas Jayhawks – Bobby Jaggers & Dutch Mantell (Zeb).  I still wonder sometimes what Zeb has done with Shoe-Baby.  WE THE PEOPLE!  I love how the cable channel shows commercials for TNA shows during RAW.  Cool!

 

Ambrose and Rollins attacked The Real Americans on the ramp.  “We The People” chant.  These five guys (and Zeb) are awesome.  Today is Jack Swagger’s birthday. Happy Birthday to the All-American American.  A longer feud between these two teams would be fun to watch.  Time for some “Shades of John Anderson” swinging.  Twenty rotations.  Hell, I’m dizzy.  The fans finally got their “We the People” moment after Ambrose ate the fan-barrier wall. I’m going to call it now – don’t know when or where, but Cesaro will be the next U.S. Champion and the man who beats Ambrose for the gold.  Either Cesaro or Zack Ryder.  I think I’m better off picking Cesaro.  Ambrose is a nut. I like this dude.  And Rollins is on fire as well.  I knew this would be a good match.  “Holy Shit!” chant. The Shield wins and this match rocked!  Reigns levels Cesaro after the match.  The Shield clears the announce table. I like how Zeb kind of vanishes.   Trifecta Power-bomb for Cesaro as The Shield puts him through the table.  OUCH!  And here comes Kane, along with the New Age Outlaws.  Kane says that The Shield will face him and The New Age Outlaws at Wrestlemania XXX.  Believe that!

 

Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar are headed towards the ring.  Heyman talks and he’s the best guy in wrestling on the mic today.  Heyman talks and builds up Taker and his legacy.  The better to build up how big it will be if Brock does win.  Heyman would make a great Insurance salesman or lawyer.  Brock gets the mic and  he’s here to fight.  Lesnar calls out The Undertaker.  And we get Druids carrying a casket to the ring.  They place it outside the ring and leave.  Did you see the flap on the ring apron move?  I did.  I wonder who moved it as they crawled under the ring?  Hmmmm…  Brock is checking things out by kicking at the casket.  That music is annoying. Why not play Eminem again?  The casket is empty. Brock and Heyman are not impressed. Neither am I.  Brock yells at The Druids.  They wisely retreat and go to the back.  Brock and Paul are back in the ring. Brock says he’s leaving.  Heyman starts slamming on Brooklyn and taking crap.  And then it opens up and Taker is laying there in the casket and sits up.  Heyman hauls ass.  Taker and Brock go eye to eye and Taker sends Brock to the floor.  I love Taker’s mascara.  Lesnar points at the Wrestlemania XXX sign and Taker makes that stupid face, sticking out his tongue.  Why do people do that?  Nikita Koloff used to do that and it annoyed me to no end and when Taker does that, it annoys me too.  The two men stare at each other and look threateningly at each other as the show ends.

 

Match Results…

 

Fatal 4-Way Match to determine #1 Contender for IC Title:  Christian beat Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio

Sin Cara w/ Scooby Doo beat Damien Sandow

Los Matadores beat Ryback & Curtis Axel

Cody Rhodes w/ Goldust beat Fandango w/ Summer Rae

The Big Show beat Titus O’Neil

Luke Harper versus John Cena – No Contest

Naomi beat AJ Lee by count-out.

The Shield (Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins) w/ Roman Reigns beat The Real Americans (Jack Swagger & Cesaro) w/ Zeb Colter

 

And I guess that’s it.  A good show that had some good matches, but also had a couple of lame matches too.  More good than bad and so I won’t complain. But Big Show and Titus?  What a waste of time.  And that last segment just didn’t do it for me.  I want to see Brock versus Undertaker as much as the next person, but better to just let Heyman talk and leave Brock and Taker at home until April 6th.  That’s my opinion anyhow.  With that, I’m going to give it a rest and close this bad boy up.  I’ll be back late on Monday with a new edition of “Tossing Salt” and back again on Thursday with a new edition of “Fact or Fiction”.  And I’m thinking about doing an entire “Question Time” column later this week too.  No promises though. 

 

Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com.  Come visit me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/saltpalace.  Add me – you know you want to.  I’m Doug and I’m out of here.  Until later, take it sleazy. Have a great week and thanks for reading. 

 

Ubuntu!