Tossing Salt RAW Recap

March 31, 2014

Doug Maynard

 

We are less than week away from Wrestlemania XXX. This is the go-home show.  I just learned today that Allen Iron Eagle and Joe Gomez were the same person.  What the hell?  Let’s do this…

 

This damn phone has been ringing all day.  I wonder how many times it will ring tonight while I’m trying to watch RAW?  I’ll keep track as the show goes on.  Now are you ready?  I said, ARE YOU READY?  Nah, that just doesn’t work well in written form.  I’m in the mood to see some HBK and DX shenanigans tonight.  One can only hope.  

 

And we’re starting off with the Undertaker. Good way to start.  I watched the Undertaker versus Ric Flair match from Wrestlemania a few years ago today.  It was damn good and better than I remembered.  Double-A did a spine-buster too.  Yay!  But back to now, Taker looks demented.  That’s a good thing, right?  We look back at last week as Taker played mind-games with Brock and Heyman. Lesnar landed on his head on the casket when he bounced.  OUCH!  Wouldn’t it be great if Brock was injured and they had to replace him at Mania with The Equalizer?  Nah, maybe not.  Taker says that the streak will stay alive.  “What are you gonna do, Brock?”.  Has Taker been hanging out with Hogan all day?  This promo is making me lose interest more than build interest.  It just seems so forced and scripted.  But then again, it’s the WWE so what do we expect.  Here comes Brock and Heyman. Business is picking up.  Heyman is definitely the best talker in the WWE today.  Brock will break the streak and Heyman calls that a spoiler.  Brock and Taker are going to fight.  I love that smug look on Heyman’s face.  Lesnar points at the sign and smiles.  I hate a damn tease, but this is good TV. A distraction by Heyman and Lesnar attacks.  Taker is ready, but eats the F-5.  Taker is down and Lesnar stands tall and walks off. 

 

Does anyone remember the “Ultimate Solution” from the “Alliance To End Hulkamania”?  I wonder if he’ll pop up and crash the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony when Warrior gets inducted?  Then  we can have a special bonus match at Wrestlemania with The Ultimate Warrior versus The Ultimate Solution.  It would be a match of ultimate proportions.  Speaking of ultimate coverage, it’s the WWE doing their thing all week, all live, from New Orleans, all on the Network. That sounds extremely ultimate.

 

Here comes Big E.  He reminds me of Ice Train. I watch too much WCW.  One phone call so far. My sister. And look.  It’s Dos Caras Jr, aka Alberto Del Rio.  So we get Del Rio versus Big E.  I wish I had a burrito supreme. I’m hungry.  What’s up with the chalk on the hands that Big E does before the matches?  I don’t get it, but at least I know that if I ever do a “Big E column”, I can call it “Tossing Chalk – Worldwide News”.  Don’t hold your breath waiting for that one. Is this for the IC title?  I think Cole just said so, but it wasn’t announced at the start of the match so I doubt it.  It would be good though since we don’t have an IC title match at Wrestlemania XXX.  Or a United States title match either. Everyone wants to be in the Battle Royal instead.  I like Battle Royals, but still, they can do double duty.  I want title matches.  Dale Jr., Diet Dew and Duck Hunters – I like that commercial.  And that’s two phone calls.  I don’t recognize the number so the machine gets the call.  30 minutes in and two calls already.  I told you that it’s been crazy.  That was a great catch and back breaker by Big E.  Impressive.  Del Rio with a “Shades of Carlito back-stabber”.  I thought he had it.  Big E. has bigger boobs than the plastic Bella chick.  Kick to the face and Del Rio wins.  Good match.

 

We get to vote on which SHIELD member fights Kane. My pick would be Seth Rollins.  Orton fights Batista later and The Authority is killing off Bryan and his “Yes Movement!”.  Maybe we’ll see HBK after all, since he was Bryan’s teacher and HHH’s best friend.  He can come and say “No!”.  The Wyatts are next.  Last week, they made Cena wear the goat mask.  That was pretty cool.  Now let’s see what they do next.  I’ll bet it’s not the hokey-pokey.  Maybe it’s the Time Warp?  Let’s do the Time Warp again.  Follow The Buzzards!

 

Bray Wyatt would make a great motivational speaker. Or a cult leader.  Take your pick.  Cena is a monster.  Bray really doesn’t need to sing.  Third phone call.  Bleh! I’m getting so damn tired of this and that phone.  We look at Total Divas and watch Natayla and Summer Rae have a confrontation. I think we’re getting a match.  It’s Summer Rae versus Natayla.  Where is Fandango?  I miss Beth Phoenix.  And Jazz.  And Ivory (but everyone already knows that!)  Hell, I even miss Sable.  No, change that.  I met her one time and she wasn’t the most charming person, to put it nicely. She can stay on the farm in Minnesota.  I miss Victoria.  Yeah, that’s better.  Vickie Guerrero is at the announce table.  Excuse me!  Watching Natayla versus Summer and all I can think is “Catfight!!”.  Summer with a kick from nowhere and the pin.  What the hell?  That was wrong and Natayla deserves better.  By the way, the Diva match at Wrestlemania XXX is a one-fall event. That should be… interesting.

 

It’s time for the HHH / Stephanie show.  They need to put Brad Maddox into a “Cartman” outfit and have him shouting “Respect My… I mean The Authority!”  That would be funny.  My other sister on the phone.  That’s four calls. Hopefully, this will be the last one.  It’s not even 9:00 yet.  Give me a break!  “Legacy” by Eminem is the official theme song of Wrestlemania XXX.  At least it’s not Miley or Justin Beiber. Eminem is cool.  They’re not.  Speaking of “not cool”, guess who’s here.  Steph is wearing black again. They’re here to give everyone a chance to say farewell to the “Yes Movement!”.  HHH rags on the fans and I’m actually agreeing with him so far.  Steph and HHH mock “fandangoing”, but put Fandango over as a solid talent.  Steph mocks the crowd (again) and says Daniel Bryan WILL NOT be there tonight.  We get a video package highlighting Triple H and his impressive career.  All that matters is “The Game”… and bacon.  I think they are saying that HHH will win at Wrestlemania XXX.  He’s going to beat Bryan and then defeat his fellow Evolution alumni to become the WWE Champion.  

 

And now, we get Batista (of course).  I was wondering where he was at.  No, not really, but he’s here anyhow.  Batista wasn’t in HHH’s video because HHH has never beaten Batista.  Some smart remarks and here comes Randy Orton.  Randy wants to see Steph slap Batista again, but he’ll teach him respect later tonight.  Randy is in rare ass-kissing mode tonight.  Randy wants HHH to reconsider and HHH calls Randy out for his ass-kissing, but says that the only chance that Orton will have is to be the Viper again.  Orton versus Batista is now a no DQ match.  I sense shenanigans.  Orton and Batista do the face-off.  Oh snap, we’re getting a Piper’s Pit tonight in honor of Wrestlemania 1.  I smell a Hogan in the house.  Let me spray some lysol.  I still want that Burrito Supreme though.  

 

Ronald McDonald likes the Taco Bell breakfast menu.  And I like the Happy Meals at McDonald’s.  And we all like Scooby Doo.  Scooby Doo, where are you?  I wish I had some “scooby snacks”.  I’ll bet RVD does.  Lots of ’em.  

 

The Usos and Los Matadores versus The Real Americans and Rybaxel.  We The People!  I expect chaos and a brawl-for-all at the end of the match.  No introductions for anyone.  I guess the promos and the earlier segment ran a little longer than it should.  It sure seemed that way anyhow.  I guess that the WWE has given up on setting that “most masks” World Record at Wrestlemania XXX.  Are Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara in the Battle Royal?  I’ll have to look that up later.  This match is okay, but I can’t get into it, despite my enjoyment of the Real Americans and Rybaxel.  The crowd seems to be dying too.  We need some excitement.  Somebody send out Three Count to sing and save the day.  What ever happened to Evan Karagias anyhow.  That boy was easy on the eyes.  He’s no Juvi, but then again, who is?

 

Text message from my BFF.  So that will count as five.  He fell off his deck. Damn!  But he’s okay – just sore.  Hate it when that happens.  Just kidding. Love ya, K.  They’re back from commerical and the crowd is chanting “We The People!”. Don’t the fans realize that you can’t say that in DC.  Any reference to the Constitution is strongly frowned upon by our current leaders and government.  Is it 2016 yet?  Start the impeachment proceedings already, please!  The heels are getting big time cheered.  That has to be good for t-shirt sales, right?  A bad “Shades of Hogan” boot by Swagger.  If he had scored the pin there, I would riot.  Matadores with the “Shades of Killer Bees” illegal switch.  A roll-up and a pin.  That always works.  Los Matadores and The Usos win.  Match got better towards the end.  I’m calling it now.  The Real Americans win at Wrestlemania XXX.

 

A new Ultimate Warrior DVD comes out tomorrow.  I wonder if they’ll include his homophobic rants?  Probably not.  The first Warrior DVD trashed him.  This new one kisses his ass.  I guess it’s just what’s best for business.  He’s still a pinhead in my book though.  

 

Fandango is here.  I asked about him earlier. Summer is back too.  It’s Fandango and Damien Sandow versus The Rhodes Brothers.  Sandow has really fallen down the ladder in the WWE.  He’s still not as bad off as Drew McIntyre, Justin Gabriel or Zack Ryder, but his stock is falling fast.  He deserves better, but then again, so do all the guys I mentioned.  They need to bring back the brand separation and give more of the guys on the roster a chance to show their stuff and shine. They re-merged the brands because of falling pay-per-view rates, but with all the ppv’s on the Network now, that’s not a factor.  Bring back the different brands!  Goldust is impressive as ever.  The Rhodes Brothers win.

 

Brodus Clay and Sin Cara are in the Battle Royal. I didn’t see Rey pictured, so I still don’t know about him.  My BFF just mentioned something via the text.  He thinks that the HHH / Bryan match wil be a no-contest, so we’ll get a Fatal Four-Way at Wrestlemania XXX.  Then, if Daniel Bryan wins, he can brag he defeated Evolution to win that title.  That would be some helluva bragging rights moment.  Yes! Yes! Yes!  And then defend the title against Ric Flair on Monday night to make it all complete.  No! No! No!  That last part was my idea by the way.  Shouldn’t happen.  But I l like the idea of the Bryan versus Orton versus HHH versus Batista main event though.  Yes! Yes! Yes!

 

We get a recap of the antics and craziness between The Shield and Corporate Kane.  A final chance to vote to see who from The Shield will fight Kane.  It’s Shield promo time.  It doesn’t matter who wins the voting, because Kane is in a bad way.  The Shield is NOT to be messed with.  Kane and The Outlaws are in for some bad times.  It’s Bray Wyatt.  They’re here!  Vote for Dean Ambrose.

 

It’s Bray Wyatt versus R-Truth. I hope that Little Jimmy is in the house.  Truth has Xaiver Woods with him, but he’s going to need all the help he can get.  Truth got a little offense in, but Bray is dominating.  Hey Truth, what up?  Bray looks to be the spitting image of Killer Tim Brooks, who just happened to once portray “Cousin Luke”, a “family member” of Bray’s grandpa, Blackjack Mulligan. Is that a coincidence?  Hmmmm?  Little Jimmy, meet Sister Abigail.  Bray wins.  And Xaiver Woods gets a little thumping as well, just for good measure.  Follow The Buzzards!  We have another goat-face in there.  What the… ?  It’s John Cena and Cena clears the ring, cleaning house.  The Wyatts head back up the rant.  Bray smiles and sings.  I think he’s impressed.   

 

We see a rewind with Vickie Guerrero announcng that AJ Lee will be fighting all the Divas at Wrestlemania XXX.  AJ Lee is in the ring. Naomi is her opponent and we have all the Divas out there.  It’s a “Lumberjill Match”.  AJ tries to run, but the Divas are doing their job and keeping her in the ring.  Nobody bothers Naomi when she’s tossed to the floor. AJ Is not happy.  AJ plays her role so well.  Guys dig crazy chicks.  This really isn’t too bad a match so far.  AJ would have fit in well back in the Attitude Era with all the women I mentioned earlier.  Tamina did the body-guard thing and both she and AJ got some butt-whooping. Naomi wins and Vickie is happy.  AJ looks a little upset though.  Oh well, it happens.

 

“Celebrate” by Kid Rock is another official theme song for Wrestlemania XXX. How many of these songs do they have.  Renee talks to John Cena.  Bray Wyatt spreads his propaganda, but he’s forcing Cena to fight and become a monster.  Cena is afraid, but he’s facing it and they’ll make history.  Lots of talk about “change” – was that a subtle shot at someone?  Cena says he’s going to stuff his foot in Wyatt’s ass.

 

The panel is here.It’s Josh, Booker, Alex and Barrett.  I guess they couldn’t find a big star to fill in tonight.  We get another look at the Taker – Brock antics from earlier.  Jerry Lawler has the announcement.  Kane fights Roman Reigns tonight and it looks like a runaway victory. Kane versus Roman.  And Roman comes to the ring alone.  Should be a good match.  I love that Reigns kick from the outside.  And here come the New Age Outlaws.  And the rest of The Shield.  It’s brawl-city. The Shield have Kane surrounded and we get the classic Shield beat down.  The Outlaws save Kane from the Trifecta Power-Bomb.  A good match that was way too short.  Believe In The Shield!

Roddy Piper and Piper’s Pit is next!

 

Hogan will be on Smackdown. I guess that means he’s not on RAW and Piper’s Pit tonight.  Oh well. Twenty-nine years ago today, Piper was in the main event of the first Wrestlemania. He wasn’t the one who got pinned. Piper talks about Andre The Giant and his legacy.  It’s all about the Battle Royal.  Piper is talking and here comes The Miz. Really?  Really? Really?  Miz says he’s the favorite to win the Battle Royal.  And here comes Sheamus.  He calls Miz “stupid!”.  Sheamus says he’s going to win.  Titus O’Neil is out next. He’s going to win.  I sense a pattern developing here.  And now, we get Dolph.  He’s here to steal the spotlight and he’s going to win the Battle Royal.  Piper starts a fight and  we get all four men brawling.  The locker room empties and we get all the participants for the Battle Royal. Rey Mysterio is out, so he’s in.  Now we know.  Big Show is out and joins the fray. After all, who doesn’t love a fray?  Big Show cleans house.  Rey and Show are left and Rey begs and prays before nailing Show with a cheap shot.  Show tosses Rey to the floor and Piper raises Show’s hand in victory.  

 

Next up is the No DQ match with Batista versus Orton.  I had forgotten about this match.  Ooops!  Another phone call. What’s that?  Number five?  The Authority comes down to the announce table to help call the match.  Isn’t that nice of them?  A good brawl with Orton and Batista. Orton with early domination.  Batista with the chair and it’s the Animal versus The Viper.  Chairs, Kendo Sticks and Stairs… oh my!  Danile Bryan from out of nowhere and he’s all over HHH.  Randy with the save and Bryan eats steps.  Batista spears Orton, but eats some kicks and knees from Daniel Bryan.  Bryan goes back after HHH and tears him up with the Kendo stick.  This is all Daniel Bryan standing tall in the ring.  Bryan leads a big “Yes!” chant.  Batista and Orton have vanished.  Bryan points at the Wrestlemania XXX sign as HHH and Stephanie flee up the ramp. HHH screams that “you are done!” as the show ends. YES! YES! YES!

 

And that was a good way to end the show.  I’m still not overly impressed with the build for Wrestlemania XXX or the matches, with the exception of the Wyatt / Cena match, but it seems as if WWE realized that the build thus far has been lacking and pulled out the stops tonight with a solid episode of RAW.  Let’s rundown the matches and the results.

 

Match Results:

 

Alberto Del Rio beat Big E

Summer Rae defeated Natayla

The Usos and Los Matadores defeated The Real Americans and Rybaxel

The Rhodes Brothers defeated Fandango & Damien Sandow

Bray Wyatt squashed R-Truth

Naomi defeated AJ Lee in a “Lumberjill Match”

Roman Reigns versus Kane was a no-contest when The New Age Outlaws and The Shield all got involved.

Batista versus Randy Orton was a no-contest when Daniel Bryan got involved and went after HHH.

 

And with that, I’m out of here. I’ll be back tomorrow with a new edition of “Tossing Salt – Worldwide News”.  Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com or else visit me at Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/saltpalace.  Follow me on Twitter at @doug28352.  And that’s all for me. Thank you for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow. Take it sleazy.

 

Ubuntu!