A Dozen Days of Dougie (Day 1): March 1, 2016

Are you ready?

I said… ARE YOU READY?

Oh, wait a second. I just realized something. A few of you that are reading this may not be wrestling fans and thus, when I do the whole Degeneration X opening schtick, you might not get it or even worse, might get it and not give a damn. I should save the wrestling references for the wrestling columns. So cancel that intro. I won’t be telling anyone to “suck it” today. I’ll do another intro instead.

Take II: Hello People! I’m Doug and this is the first part of what shall be several parts, twelve to be exact, of a series of blogs titled, “A Dozen Days of Dougie”. It’s a writing exercise for me and hopefully, plenty of amusement for you. And as Bill Cosby used to say before we learned he was a serial rapist and creepy ass-clown, “if you’re not careful, you just might learn something before we’re done, so let’s get ready, ok… Hey Hey Hey!” I used to love those old Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids cartoons. They were a big part of my Saturday morning childhood. Too bad ol’ Bill had to put a stain on those memories by being such a sleaze. Shame on you, Cosby! Shame! Shame!

So what was I saying? I’m going to do twelve blogs over the next twelve days. That’s why I’m calling this “A Dozen Days of Dougie”. Twelve equals a dozen, but you already know that, right? Unless we’re doing common core math and then I think twelve equals four apples and a unicorn. And this is the first one. It’s Tuesday, March 1, 2016. Now let’s find out what the topics will be. I have a few things on my mind, but there will be plenty of time to address those subjects. I want to make this one a little bit more on the random side so I’m going to use the magic box. Let’s reach in, close the eyes and pick out three topics. And they are… “Pay the lady”, “Cousins” and “Encounters With Guns”. Oh vey! Maybe I should just talk about what’s on my mind and leave these three topics for another time? *Sighs* No, I said I would write about whatever topics I happened to randomly choose and that’s the whole purpose of this venture and what makes it interesting. I can do this… I hope!

By the way, it’s cold in this room. Someone needs to turn the heat up! Let’s do this…

A Dozen Days Of Dougie (Day 1): Pay The Lady, Cousins and Encounters With Guns…

Topic One is “Pay the Lady” and obviously, I was watching the show “Storage Wars” when I added that particular slip of paper to the magic box. That’s what the woman who’s married to the auctioneer, who’s name I can’t remember, always says at the end of the day. “Don’t forget to pay the lady!”. It’s also what you might hear a prostitute say before beginning a business transaction, but based on the social standings of the few crack-whore ho’s that I know personally, but not THAT personally… thank you, well, I wouldn’t exactly call them ladies. Of course, this could just be in reference to the woman at the cash register at your favorite restaurant. She would be a lady and you would pay her after you eat… unless it’s a guy… or unless you’re planning on doing the “dash & dine” thing, running out on your bill after you eat. That’s wrong though. And rude. And generally the person who would do something like that is an sorry excuse for a person. So if you eat at a restaurant… or bid on a storage unit… or partake in the services of a ho’… don’t forget to pay the lady. It’s the right thing to do.

And Topic II is about cousins. I have a lot of cousins. Dozens and dozens and perhaps even hundreds of them. I don”t know really. Both my Mom and my Dad had large families and all together, I had twenty-one Aunts and Uncles. And of that large number, I think I got to know maybe three well. And of those three, two aunts on my Mom’s side and one Uncle on my Dad’s side, there are only 5 cousins. I have more and know of more, but there were only five that I grew up with, was friends with, played with, and feel comfortable enough with that I’ve tried to maintain, or would like to maintain a relationship with. The rest are out there and probably nice people, but it’s more like, “so we’re related? Okay, if you say so!” Heck, I’m barely sociable with my immediate family so getting to know the extended family isn’t really high on my list of priorities.

Of the ones that I know, or should I say “knew” well, they’re all guys. And they were all extremely cool in my eyes back in the day when we were kids. Two of my cousins, Johnny and Jimmy were older than I was and were closer to my brothers and sisters than they were to me. If you asked them of their memories of me, they’d probably say I was an annoying little brat. And truth be told, I probably was. As for the other three, Clint and Cliff, the sons of my dad’s youngest brother, were probably my best friends each and every summer. Clint was my age, I believe and Cliff was slightly younger, but that didn’t matter. They’re good guys. And the last was David, who was the son of my Mom’s youngest sister. David was my age, an Alice Cooper fan and we connected and got along really well. I lost track of him though after his Mom passed away and his dad remarried. I’ve tried to track him down a few times, but so far, no luck. I think I may try again though. I miss that guy. Anyhow, those are my cousins and I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything. We’re all older now and pretty much strangers to each other, but those childhood memories created a bond that will live forever, at least in my mind and heart.

And finally, Topic Three is titled “Encounters With Guns!” Now it’s time to get serious and real. Like most American’s, I’m a proud supporter of the right to bear arms. Conceal and carry is a good thing and I think we’re safer and more secure when the criminals and bad guys are not the only ones who can fight and defend themselves and are left guessing as to who the easy targets may or may not be. But this isn’t about my opinion of guns or the Second Amendment. It says “encounters” so I’ll list a few of the encounters I’ve had over the years with gun carrying clowns.

The first time I remember is at Dairy Mart, where I worked for over ten years as a cashier, Assistant Manager, Store Manager and the third shift guy. One night, late in the evening, around 1:30 – 2:00 am, I had a young thug come in and he pulled a gun on me at the cash register. I’ve had people attempt to rob me before and my reaction then was fight and go all Rambo on their butts. This time though, I’m looking at the barrel of a pistol pointed in my direction so I did the right thing. I pushed the button to open the register, put my arms up and stepped back. The little piece of crap thug came around the counter and snatched a plastic bag with his free hand, the other holding the gun that was pointed at me, and tried to put the cash from the register into the plastic bag. It was almost comical in that I was watching his hand and the gun. He was watching me to make sure I didn’t do anything. And the money that he was trying to put into the plastic bag, which had only opened slightly at the top as those cheap plastic bags are prone to do, was falling all over the floor at our feet. And the gun carrying jack-ass was too concerned watching me to even notice. He grabbed the almost empty bag and watching me closely the entire time, went around the counter and tried to run out the door. The glass door that you had to pull to exit. He tried to run out the door and bounced off it. And tried again. And bounced off it again. And me, being over my initial fear, had to respond, “Pull dumb-ass!”. He pulled open the door on the third try and ran out across the parking lot and towards some nearby woods. I locked the store door, called the police, called my manager and waited for them to all to arrive. By the way, when we did the audit on the register to determine how much money was stolen, it was less than twenty dollars. The rest had fallen out of the plastic bag and was laying on the floor.

The other encounter that comes to mind was another night at Dairy Mart, doing the third shift thing as always. A guy came in, wearing dark shades and walked to the register. He had his hand in his pocket and something else, but I couldn’t tell exactly what. He told me to open the register and give him the money. I never saw anything and didn’t really sense a threatening vibe from this clown, plus I was young, crazy and kind of in one of those moods and told him point blank, “NO!”. Then I followed it up by something to the nature of “get the f*** out of my store!” and started to move towards him around the counter. He turned and ran out the door, obviously not expecting any kind of resistance, but when he had some, he fled.

And finally, there was that time with the brothers. We were in the woods, chilling out and drinking beer and generally wasting time. And… never mind. That story and encounter is best forgotten. Let’s just suffice to say that it wasn’t a great time.

And I think that’s it for now. Three topics and the first day of “A Dozen Days of Dougie” is in the books. Only eleven more to go. I’ll be back tomorrow. Thanks for reading and as the great Baron Von Raschke would say, “Dat is all de’ people need to know!”. Have a great one!

Ubuntu!