Good morning and how the heck are you? Just when you thought it was safe to get back on the internet, here it comes again. Wasn’t that a song by Dolly Parton back in the late 70’s? No, that was “Here You Come Again”, and Dolly was awesome singing that song. But then again, Dolly was (and is) pretty much awesome with almost every song she sings. Or in every movie she acts in, for that matter. I just watched the movie “Best Little Whorehouse In Texas” yesterday, a movie where Dolly both sang and acted, and it remains one of my all time favorites.

And what does all of that Dolly talk have to do with this? Not a damn thing, but she was on my mind. This is the return of the most non-anticipated, never duplicated or imitated, eclectic mess that claims to be a blog series ever, because absolutely no one demanded it, it’s the return of “Thirty Days of Dougie!”. Are you excited yet? What I’m going to do for the next thirty days is write about this, that and everything else. Nothing is off limits and no topic is too taboo. I might write about wrestling or politics or music or squirrels or whackadoodle kids or anything else. And here’s where it gets fun. Even I won’t know what the topics of discussion will be until moments before I start writing. I have, you see, this thing I call the “Magic Box”. And it’s full of topics and ideas and every single day, as I prepare to do this writing thing that I do, I’ll reach into the box and pull out three topics. And that’s what I’ll write about for that day. And I’m going to do this for thirty days straight. “Why?”, you ask. Because it needs to be done and I can. What more reason does a man need?

And now, before I get started with the actual blog, let me wish each and every one of you a very Happy President’s Day. And I also want to wish the best to OUR President, Donald J. Trump. And for those of you that are out there saying, “he ain’t my President”, guess what? If you are a citizen of the United States, Donald Trump is YOUR President. Not Hillary. Not Bernie. It’s “the Donald!”. Congratulations! And you’re welcome. Now let’s go get the Magic Box and find out what the topics of discussion will be in this premiere edition of “Thirty Days of Dougie!”. Are you ready? I’ve actually got goosebumps doing this. The topics for today are: Tarzan, Fast Food Jobs and Walking After Midnight. Let’s do this…

Thirty Days of Dougie! – Day 1: Tarzan, Fast Food Jobs and Walking After Midnight…
February 20, 2017

How in the heck did I get Tarzan as my first topic? Let’s quickly go over what I know about the “King of the Jungle”. Parents died as a baby and he was raised by apes. Lord John Greystroke, if I call correctly. Lots of movies from the 50’s with Ron Ely and Johnny Weissmuller as the two main actors portraying the character, but many others have as well. Character was created in 1912 by a writer named Edgar Rice Burroughs. Lots of books and movies and even a TV show for a while. A girlfriend named Jane, a money named Cheetah and a boy named “Boy”. I saw the movie, “The Legend of Tarzan” that came out last year and I thought it was really good. Tarzan has also been featured in cartoons, comics and all sorts of novels and stories. And I believe that there was even a live stage production, but don’t quote me on that. One of the most recognizable and iconic fictional characters in American history.

And that’s the somewhat cliffnoted version of a history lesson. What more needs to be said. Tarzan is a great character and kicks butt. Personally, I prefer a slightly more comedic version of Tarzan, a character named “George of the Jungle”, but anytime a well built, muscular man beast wants to run around in nothing but a loin cloth, I’ll always be a fan.

Yeah, that was lame as hell. They can’t all be winners, my friend. Let’s move on to topic 2 and that is “Fast Food Jobs!”

I have an incredible amount of respect for people who can work in the fast food industry. It’s a thankless job that no one wants to do and no one appreciates and I’ll be honest here, I sure as hell couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. I’ve worked in customer service for over thirty-five glorious years, working mostly convenient stores and it’s not an easy thing to do. But as bad as the things are that I’ve had to deal with over the years, I think the people who work at places like Burger King and McDonald’s have it far worse. I tried to work at Burger King once and I lasted a total of four hours. Yes, I said four hours. The chaotic mess that was that job just overwhelmed me almost immediately and after those first couple of hours, I just went to the bathroom and then kept on walking. Give me a c-store and my cash register and I can take control and kick ass. Throw an order for two whoppers and small fries at me and I panic and freeze up. Of course, I was sixteen years old at the time and had already been working in a store for two years so that may have had something to do with it. I don’t mind working with food. I cooked fish at a local seafood restaurant for over two years and worked as the Deli Manager for Dairy Mart for several years, but that was a whole different kind of animal. The people who are career fast food folks and actually enjoy it and thrive, they’re the toughest and most resiliant people I know.

Of course, there are a lot of total slack-ass folks in the fast food industry too. It seems as it there are two extremes, the hard working, friendly, determined to make the best of it folks and then there’s the total pinhead ass-clowns that are spiteful, rude, bad customer service and need to be smacked in the face with a steel chair. Yes, I am talking about the local McDonald’s and the crowd that works on the third shift here in Laurinburg. Two McChicken sandwhiches and a Quarter Pounder with cheese. That’s it. Go through the drive-thru on the third shift and it takes almost twenty minutes. Really? Really? And the sandwhiches are cold when you finally get them. Well, the McChicken’s were. The Quarter Pounder was only half-way wrapped and the meat patty was burnt. Yes, this really happened. If I hadn’t been so hungry with the late night munchies, I would have taken it back. Then again, if I hadn’t been so hungry with the late night munchies, I would never have gone to McDonald’s at 1:45am to begin with. I did contact the main office and complain, but the best complaint is that I’ll never go back there again at night. The daytime crew is great there, but that crew on the late shift? Oh vey!

So, bottom line here is this. Most fast food workers are working a thankless job for little money and no respect and deserve better. For those fine folks, I give many kudos because I sure as hell wouldn’t do it. And for those that don’t like the job and need the attitude adjustments and take their frustrations out on the customers, even though they may deserve it, you can’t and shouldn’t do that. Guess what? They go on “the list!”. Yes, I’m still stealing Jericho’s gimmick. What can I say? It works for me.

And I’m tired of this topic so let’s move on to Number 3 and “Walking After Midnight!”

First off, that’s the title of a fantastic song by Patsy Cline. It’s almost sixty years old and still way better than 99.885% of the crap we hear on the radio today. And secondly, it’s one of my favorite things to do. There are few things more peaceful than going out on a cold, cool night and just walking around the block a few times. No traffic and no neighbors. Just the light of the moon, the sound of crickets or the occasional dog, and just the awesomeness of it all. It’s a great way and time to clear the head and just appreciate the magic and beauty of the night. Of course, now it’s not really safe because of the crazies out there, but I still love to do it and just stick to familiar territory. Nothing beats the magic of the night. It’ll clear the head and set you free. And that’s a good thing. Yes, it is!

And with that, I’m out of here. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this. Only twenty-nine more to go. And I know that the topics weren’t all that and I kind of side-stepped and cheesed out a bit with some of them, but every column can’t be a home run every time, right? Again, thanks for reading and as the breat Baron Von Raschke would say, “dat’ is all de people need to know!”. I’m Doug and I’m down and I’m gone. See you tomorrow.

Ubuntu!