In My Head…
July 2, 2017

Well, here it is, nearly 11:00pm on Sunday, July 2, 2017. I want to just go to bed and sleep, but I’ve been doing that most of the day and things are not getting any better. And besides, I’ve got something to do in about 90 minutes or so and have to be up for that, so I may as well stay up at least until then. Maybe I’ll get to feeling better. Who knows? By the way, this will probably end up being one of those “Woe is me” type deals where I ramble and talk about how I’ve been feeling, why I’m feeling that way and things that really grind my gears, aka “Family Guy” style.

Hav you ever just wanted to give up and die? Hae you ever, when pulling out on to a major highway, look off into the distance and see a big truck and the thought goes through your head, “wait for them and then pull out”. You wake up and instead of looking forward to the day ahead, you feel dread and anxiety and wish it was over with already. The thoughts of people and places and dealing with the world make you physically ill and your stomach churn in tense, anxious whirlpools of anxiety and despair. My world, the world that I live in and deal with every single day. And when all of that is added to the physical pain I endure daily as well, the numbness in my hands and feet, the shooting pains and burning sensations in my legs, the pains in my arms and chest, etc. It’s hell come to life. My world – welcome to my nightmare.

It’s something I handle and deal with every day. I’m used to it and usually, once I take a few deep breaths, mentally pull myself together and force myself to be up and about, I’m okay. I can deal with it all, be composed and ignore the bad feelings, draw upon the reserves that are still there within me, and I put on my stubborn face and get things done. But then, sometimes, the nerves are rubbed raw and the anxiety is so close to the surface, all I can do is just hide away from the world, ignore my friends and family and just be alone and sleep. Lots of sleep until I can’t sleep any more.

Today was that day. I don’t know if it’s the Anniversay of my step-dad’s death, my real dad’s Birthday, both on the 30th of June, the sudden and surprising death of an old friend this past Thursday morning, not being able to attend his memorial on Saturday night due to work. On that note, I did try, but the service was set for 6:00pm to 8:00pm and I had to work until slightly after 8:00pm. When I got to the Funeral Home, everyone had left already. This was roughly about 8:20pm and the only cars left in the parking lot belonged to the people at the funeral home. So I sat there for a few minutes, said some prayers and cried. And then I came home, after being unable to say goodbye to someone who meant a great deal to me and was a good friend back in the day. But anyhow, that all is happening and I’m having issues with the car that will affect my ability to do my Food Bank job. It’s all adding up and piling up and I just let it get to me and I broke today. I cried, I slept, I wrote a few things for the site, trying to put on a good front and be productive at the same time, and I’m here now, just a shadow of a man, alone and scared and just dreading the new few days to come.

I think it’s safe to say that if I had the means to just leave, one way or the other, without hurting my family and those who are most important to me, today might have been the day it happened. I won’t do that though. I just want to and think about it.  They’ve been through so much over the years, with my brother dying the way he did, the loss of my Dad and my stepdad, and so many others. Mom hasn’t been right since Jeff died and any other tragedy involving a child of hers would send her over the edge and make her snap. Steve and Terri too, wouldn’t be able to handle any major shocks or bad news. And Lynn deserves better and shouldn’t have to be the strong one. That’s my job and my burden with this family. So I think about it and wish I could do something and just end it all, but I don’t and won’t. I just go on and endure and tough it out. It’s what I do. It’s all I can do.

This fight though, it’s wearing me down and sometimes, the resolve to face up and be strong is lacking. Maybe if I wasn’t alone and had someone here to share all of this with and that could just be here and tell me things are okay. Lie to me and make me feel better or else just hold me close until the fear and anxiety passes and I can get that fourth or fifth “second wind”. I have some great friends and I’m fortunate for that. My BFF is incredible and does so much for me to make me feel appreciated and needed and that means a lot. It’s kept me hanging on many times and helped me to find the resolve to snap out of the funk and into a more positive mood. But is it enough? I can’t depend on someone else all of the time. He has his life and own day to day issues and anxieties to deal with and adding to that, the burden of mine, isn’t right or fair. He helps so much already and would do more if he could, but it’s not his responsibility. It’s not his burden. It’s mine and I have to be the one to handle things and deal with it.

So I’ll carry on. If someone asks, “How you doing?”, I’ll say okay or all right. I’ll smile in public and when the cameras are on and then, when I’m alone and able to let the facade down, I’ll sigh and let the tears flow. I’ll keep hurting and being in pain, but I’ll never let it slow me down. And I’ll just keep on keeping on. It’s a tough life, but as Waylon once said in a song, “the night life ain’t no good life, but it’s my life”. To paraphrase, “the Doug life, ain’t no good life, but it’s my life.”

And where all of this is going and what it means, I have no idea. I just needed to get it all out before I explode. I think maybe I just need a good man or a good f*ck. I picked a helluva decade to give up drinking, right? The journey continues. The story continues. And although at times I am ready to end this mission and lay down my head, I’ll keep continuing. It’s who I am and what I do. Though I may think of other options, the truth is that I have no other alternative. Life goes on and so do I. And that’s enough for now or as Baron Von Raschke would say, “Dat is all de’ people need to know!”. I think I’m going to go fold clothes and get things ready for work in the morning. Have a great night.

Ubuntu!