Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #91
Random Twitter Q&A
May 30, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

What’s the weirdest thing you secretly do daily?

I don’t do weird things. I do Dougie things. And I don’t do anything secretly. I talk about everything that I do right here at the site in the Q&As. No secrets here. Any questions? Just ask.

Do you drink pickle juice?

I don’t do pickles, juice, or otherwise. They are nasty!

Do you believe women are the ‘weaker’ sex?
Yes or no?

Most of the women I know are far tougher and legit more badass than most of the men.

Name something you might find on a deserted island.

Seven stranded castaways including Gilligan, The Skipper, The Millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the Professor, and Mary Ann. What else would you expect to find except maybe some dude talking to a soccer ball?

What movie was really good until the ending ruined it for you?

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Part 1. They killed Dobby, those bastards! And he was a free elf.

What’s stopping you from wearing heels and a skirt when you go to work this week?

Many things. Shall I list them for you? My boss would not approve and it wouldn’t be practical for the work that I do. I look lousy in women’s clothes. I can barely walk with my prosthetic and Crow boot, so walking in heels could never happen. I don’t have the legs for it. Everyone would laugh at me. And finally, I’m not freaking insane. I’m a man and even though my sexual orientation is labeled gay, I act, dress, and identify as a man. I don’t wear heels or a skirt unless it’s Halloween and I’m playing make-believe and trying to freak people out. So, no skirts or heels for me. And there you go.

If you got banned from the library, what would be the reason behind it?

Well, the last time that I was banned from a library was for setting off bottle rockets and shooting them across the library at some friends of mine. Of course, that was in high school and I’m much more mature since then. Fuck, who am I lying to? It’d probably be the same reason.

Who is on your Mount Rushmore for cartoon characters?

Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Stewie Griffin, and Eric Cartman.

Which city do you prefer, London or Paris?

London. I have friends there and I can speak the language.

Which fictional character do you know you would be best friends with?

Would Jay & Silent Bob be considered fictional characters? They’re real to me, damn it, so let’s go with The Addams Family. They’d love me and welcome me to the family within a week. Doug Addams? Yeah, I like the sound of that. Where is Cousin Itt at?

What are your thoughts on the new Little Mermaid?

I haven’t seen it and have no plans to do so. The reviews I’ve heard thus far haven’t been great and why the hell did Disney feel compelled to remake a classic and screw it up by making it inclusive and politically correct? If it’s not broken, quit trying to fix it. Disney has screwed it all up and “fixed” it way too damn much.

Who is on your Mount Rushmore for comedians?

It changes from Day to Day for me, but I’d have Bill Cosby, George Carlin, Redd Foxx, and Joan Rivers, with Brad Williams and Chris Rock playing over in the kiddie pool section.

What defines success?

Being able to live comfortably and doing something you love, and just being a happy camper.

What is something everyone can live without?

Sushi. It’s nasty, disgusting, and has no reason for existing.

Do you use corn holders? What do you call them?

I call them my fingers because that’s what I use to pick up and hold the cob of corn and tear that bitch up.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. So with that, let’s wrap things up and call it a night. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you on the funny pages.

Ubuntu!