Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie:
The Story Remains The Same
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

I just found something that I wrote back on March 3, 1989. It reads:

You know what really sucks? To see someone you care about do something so damn dumb and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. All you can do is sit and watch. I can’t believe this shit. Smart as he is, (name deleted) wants to fuck with cocaine. It just don’t make sense. Drinking and smoking grass are bad enough, but I can’t raise hell about something I do myself. But coke, god damned shit, it does nothing but cost money and place the user at risk of addiction. And the way I understand it, it’s a short buzz anyhow. It’s just not worth it. I just wish there was some way to get the idea across to (name deleted),(name deleted), (name deleted), and (name deleted) to leave the shit alone. I don’t know how much of this fucking up I can stand to watch with them. (Name deleted), leave the shit alone. Please!

Doug
3/3/89
Sunday Morning
7:55 a.m.

I barely remember this, but it’s slowly coming back to me. People I love and care about, and still do to this day, are stupid and want to experiment beyond the usual partying and antics. I didn’t like it then. I don’t like it now. And after a couple of nights with some old friends, it’s coming back to me even more than ever why I hate drugs, why I hate the effect they have on people and the damage and evil they bring to people’s lives.

I chilled for a few hours with an old friend that I’ve known since he was a teenager. He had been wanting to get together and talk for a while and after putting him off for a while, because my gut says it’s not a good idea, it finally happened. And we talked and it was the guy I’ve known for years and love as a brother. And he was drinking which I wasn’t totally comfortable with, but it is what it is and I’m many things, but not a hypocrite. I drink sometimes, although not as I used to. Hell, I work in a liquor store so how can I judge anyone? We talked and I learned many things. I love this guy so much and he is and will forever be my brother. It was odd and uncomfortable at times, but I felt comfortable with him and we were communicating and no complaints.

And then the talk about drugs began. A friend of his showed up and the mood began to change. She and he wanted to get high. They volunteered me to drive them to get high, but aside from being a possible ride, my part of the evening was through. I realized that compared to the thrill of getting messed up, I was but an afterthought, and this woman and the bad vibes flowing from her were taking over. I stuck around for a little while, but then I got up and left. No goodbyes and nothing else. They got high. I went home. And as I went home, I could feel the tears. Yes, we’re friends and family, and our relationship is important to me and to him, but I value my peace and he values his escape and the drugs. I didn’t know what to do 34 years ago and I’m not sure what to do now. I didn’t want to see it then. I refuse to see it now. My heart is dark and broken, but the tears will dry. Okay, they’re not going anywhere, but I have to keep on keeping on. I love this guy and will always be here for this guy, but I can’t watch him do the stupid stuff and keep trying to kill himself. He’s smarter and so much better than that.

I’ve seen many friends, past and present, deal with the issues of addiction. Some managed to overcome and I am so proud of that for them and happy, but I know it’s a daily struggle and I pray for them every day. Some are still struggling and I pray for them as well, hoping they continue to find the strength to make it through and eventually overcome the odds to win the battle. And this guy, he’s got a lot going on and many challenges to face. I want to be there and be supportive, but it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. There’s a divide now and a bridge needs to be rebuilt. Will it happen? I don’t know. As with so many things in my life right now, I just don’t know.

So there you go. That piece of paper from so long ago was an odd find, but I found it, read it, and it stirred up something inside, which based on a few nights ago, needed to be touched on and addressed. I doubt this makes much sense, but it needs to be said and released before it destroys a heart that’s already black, twisted, and so very damaged by life and the consequences of it. I cry the tears of a clown. I’m tired of crying. I just needed to ramble for a moment.

I guess that’s all for now. Thanks for reading.

Ubuntu!