Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Habitual Offenders, Plumbers & Baby Talk
DougMaynrd.com
Doug Maynard

It’s a little after 4 and I’m all alone and I need you now. I said I wouldn’t call, but I’m a little drunk and I need you now. Yes, I’m channeling my inner Lady Antebellum. I do that sometimes. Good morning, my peeps. I should be in bed as I have a doctor’s appointment to go to in just a few hours, but here I am, wide awake and overthinking about the craziness that I call my life. Since I’m up, why not do a Day of Dougie? It’s either that or go to Grindr and do something I’ll regret later. Yeah, let’s do the writing thing. Where is the infamous Magic Bag?

I’m reaching into the bag and the topics of discussion for today will be Habitual Offenders, Plumbers, and Baby Talk. It’s an interesting variety of topics and I can already feel my mind wrapping itself around each topic and discussions starting to form. Let’s see how that works out. Are you ready? Let’s roll.

Habitual Offenders

The general definition here is people who do something, get punished for doing it, and then do it again. And the question is, why? If you know you’re not supposed to do it and keep doing it, why? Are you an idiot? Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple. If it’s all you know and no one has shown you a way to change, why would you? If you’re in the same situation you’ve been in before, your actions and reactions will generally be the same as they were before because that’s what you know and all you know. Humans are creatures of habit and once a habit is formed, good or bad, it tends to stick. Until the cycle is broken, it just keeps on going and going and going. It takes a strong person to break that cycle and most of us, unfortunately, are not that strong until we have no other choices available. We know we’re fucking up, but we do it anyhow because we are afraid of change and the unknown. Ain’t life a cocksucker sometimes? Habitual offenders? Nah, just human.

Plumbers

I like plumbers. Well, I like one plumber because he’s a sexy beast. I have plenty of work that needs to be done with the pipes and he’d be perfect. I also need a walk-in shower installed and new toilets, sinks, etc. I guess I should give him a call and have him come over. He could give me an estimate and take a look at the pipes. He could look at the bathroom too. Some of my favorite videos involve plumbers. They have nice tools. I just wonder how they manage to get any work done. I’d like to get some work done with my plumbing guy. Damn Nick, where the hell are you? Okay, this isn’t going anywhere like it should be. Maybe I just delete it and try again? He’s a straight boy anyhow, damn it. I think maybe I should just move on. My bad!

Baby Talk

Maybe it’s just me, but I hate baby talk, where a grown adult shifts into a high-pitched squeal of a voice, talking like a big child and getting on every last nerve. Maybe the little ones like it, but they need to grow the hell up and talk correctly already. Okay, it’s not their fault and they’ll be talking right as they grow into it. My bad! But when a grown person starts speaking and their voice raises several levels to where they sound like a chipmunk from Disney, then we have a problem. Don’t do that! If you have animals in the house, it hurts their eyes and they look at you like you’re a dumbass. Hell, it hurts my ears and I’ll either roll my eyes and look away or glare at you like you’re a dumbass. I repeat, DON’T DO THAT! Geez, I just realized something. I am turning into a grouchy old man. Well, just call me Ole 2.0. I think I need a beer. No, I need to go get a shower and get ready for the doctor’s appointment. Let’s wrap this up.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Any suggestions for new topics to add to the bag and potentially be used in future columns are welcome as well. Thanks for the support. And with that, let’s wrap things up for now. Stay well, my friends, and I’ll see you at the Drive-Thru. Be good.

Ubuntu!