Updates & Stuff:
Doing It My Way
Doug Maynard

And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

And I have done exactly that. For better or for worse, I’ve endured a lot and I’ve handled things my way. And it’s time for one more thing. I’m scared. I won’t deny it. And it will change my life forever. sighs Let’s just do this. Medical update time.

As most of you know, I was in the hospital three weeks ago. I had another toe and a huge section of my foot amputated. I had my right foot amputated three years ago and the current stuff. It’s on my left foot, the only foot I have left. It’s been a struggle, but with the help of a prosthetic, as well as a whole lot of stubbornness, I’ve endured, moved on, and some have even said far exceeded any expectations. I left the hospital though when, after examining what was left of my foot, the doctors suggested a below-knee amputation. I wasn’t ready and knew that, with hard work, being careful, and a whole lot of effort, I could delay the inevitable and get some more time out of this foot. Maintain some of my life and freedom. And for the past three weeks, I have.

I can walk short distances, stand, do my household chores, and get around fairly well. I can bathe myself and while every deed is an effort, I’m finding a way. I’ve been changing my dressings twice a day and keeping the wound clean. My foot hurts constantly and looks like a dog’s chew toy, but it’s still exceeding expectations and I’m doing okay.

But the top of my secondary toe, one of the only three I have left, has started to turn black. Yes, it’s infected, and my only option will be amputation. I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday, my first since I left the hospital, and they’re not going to be happy. I expect that they’ll make an order to go to the hospital immediately and have the infected toe and foot removed. I don’t see any way to avoid it. I knew it was inevitable, but I’m not ready for it yet.

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all, and I stood tall
And did it my way

So it comes to an end, this struggle that has consumed so much of my life for the past few years. And yes, I know. It’s just a foot, but it’s also freedom, independence, mobility, and a huge part of the identity I’ve crafted over the years. I’m not scared of not being able to walk, albeit with my prosthetic leg, I’ll have some mobility. I’m scared of the person I’ll be afterward. I’ll never be the same person again and I don’t like that. I’m a very independent and strong-willed person. And it will all be gone. I’m alone and I don’t trust many people. I’ll have to learn to depend on others and trust again. I don’t know if I can. Dougie, as you know him, as I know him, will be gone forever and I have no idea what will be left. And it scares me.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, oh, no, not me
I did it my way

Maybe a new and improved me will overcome adversity, as I’ve done so many times before. Or maybe I’ll just drift away, a shadow of who I was, longing for the end of the day and with no purpose or feeling. I just don’t know. It’s not just a foot. It’s my life. And while I don’t have a choice, I’m lost right now. After the doctor on Friday, I’ll ask them to set up the hospital admittance for Monday. One last weekend to be me before the real me dies forever. I’ll pull myself together, get my head on straight, and just do it. I put up a good fight and I’ve never backed down. I’m scared and frightened, but I’ll keep moving forward and do what needs to be done. And through it all, I’ve done it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
Yes, it was my way

Thanks for reading. I’m writing this stuff mainly to allow myself to see it express it and deal with it easier. Writing it out makes it more real. A written record of what I’m thinking about and dealing with. It works for me and helps. And now, I think I’m going to go write about some wrestling stuff. It’s a good distraction too. I’ll talk with you later. And yeah, I did it my way.

Ubuntu!