A Day of Dougie
Update Time: Spilling the Beans
My Life, My Health, My World

I was going to type up a current update on my medical status and how things are since I came home from the hospital, but that’s so boring. Luckily for me, a few friends in my head decided to help out. Are you ready for this? Let’s roll.

We see a podium and standing at the podium, holding a microphone, is a familiar green amphibian. And so it begins.

“Hi, Ho! Kermit the Frog here, and welcome to a Muppet News Press Conference”. Kermit the Frog looked around. “As you are well aware, Dougie, a friend to us all, has had a few things going on as of late. Well, we’re going to get an update from the man himself, followed by a few questions.”

“Hey”, a voice rang out.

“We’re not ready for questions yet”, Kermit replied.

“We were told there would be soda and pie”, the person replied. “In the South Park movie, they had pudding and pie!”

“No, they didn’t”, Kermit sighed. “And you are?”

“I’m Vice President Kamala Harris. And if you vote for me, we’ll have soda and pie for everyone.”

“No, you won’t”, Kermit sighed. “And how would you pay for this Soda and pie for everyone?”

“Well, I was raised middle-class… and it’s Trump’s fault. We need to fix his mess!”

“Get out of here, weirdo”, Kermit signed once more. “Security!”, he yelled.

“But it’s about protecting women and saving our democracy”, Kamala laughed as the security removed her from the scene.

“And now, before any other crazies show up”. Kermit frowned as he looked out in the audience. “Too late! But here’s Dougie!”.

And here I am. I went into the hospital last Friday, and my expectation was, to be honest, that I was going to lose my left foot. My right foot was amputated not quite three years ago, and I’ve been having foot issues with my left foot ever since. Three weeks ago, I had my big toe and a huge portion of my left foot removed. I had my small toe removed a few months ago on that same foot. So basically, right now, I have three toes and a partial piece of foot left. I can still stand, walk on it, and drive. I’m only good for short distances, and it wears me out pretty quickly. I have to change the dressings on the foot and keep it clean, usually twice a day, and it’s painful. Very painful.

So I went into the hospital three weeks ago and had my big toe and part of my foot, which had become very infected, removed. And the doctors started talking about a below-the-knee amputation. I refused and checked myself out. And then, this past Friday, it got to be too much, and I was forced to go back to the hospital. The foot looked bad, and the pain was constant, and one of my toes had started turning black. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew it was time to do whatever the doctor suggested and move on. I was ready for life as a double amputee and whatever came next.

Well, luckily, it didn’t come to that. My doctor looked at my foot, did a major clean-up of the wound, and removed all the dead skin, while it was not going to be easy, realized that I wasn’t ready to make this move and that the foot could be saved. So, I was treated for high blood sugar, looked after for a few days, given something for the pain, and released.

And here I am now, here at my house. Since I’ve been home, I’ve mostly been trying to stay off my foot, writing and sleeping a lot, and have made the occasional trip out into the world. I had to go to Walmart for some prescriptions and that walk to the pharmacy was a rough one. But I made it and even though I was exhausted, I’m happy because it’s a great first step. I have been practicing driving my truck around the yard and even though it’s a lot of effort, I’m still able to do so. I have lots of doctor appointments in the immediate future, but I can and will do what I’m told, follow the instructions given to me, and behave. I had given up and was ready to throw in the towel a few days ago, but I’ve been given a reprieve, a second chance, and I’m not going to waste it. Life has changed and I’ve changed a lot, but I’m keeping on keeping on. And there you go. And now, any questions?

A blonde woman stood up.

“Joan Rivers here! Can we talk?”

“Joan? How can you be here? You’re dead!”

“Oh please”, Joan replied. “I’m a legend and we never really die! Besides, my face is still under warranty for eight more years. I’m Jewish. You know I’m getting my money’s worth. Besides, whenever you do one of these parody skits, I’m contractually obligated to be involved in some form. You know that!”

“You’re right, Joan. So what’s the question?”

“So, has Big Mike Obama come out yet? The tranny? I told you that he was gay! Barack’s hubby. Remember that? That’s why the bitch had me killed!”

“I thought it was an accident during a routine surgery?”

“Accident, my ass! Obama! He’s so gay, Liberace called him a fag. And Big Mike. He has bigger shoulders than the Hulk. And a bulge that makes Ron Jeremy take notice. I told the truth and they didn’t like it. Damn, I’m glad I never said anything about Hillary. Or Puff Doggy!”

“Puff Doggy?”

“Puff Doggy or P Diddy or whatever name he’s using this week. The rap guy with the poor enunciation.”

“Stick around until after the conference. I’ve got some stuff to tell you!”

“Okay, Dougie. I’m going to go haunt Kathy Griffin for a little bit! That bitch has tried to steal my act and I owe her a good scare. Maybe I’ll hold up a mirror to her face. That would scare anyone. I’ll be back! We’ll talk!”

And Joan Rivers vanished. Dougie looked out into the audience. “Anyone else? Next? Oh, hey Miz.”

WWE Superstar The Miz steps up.

“I don’t have a question. I just want to wish you a speedy recovery.”

“Is that it?”

“No”, the Miz replied. “There is one more thing.”

“Go ahead and get it over with.”

“Ok”, the Miz said. “I just wanted to remind everyone that I’m the Miz… and I’m AWESOME!”

“Are you through?”

“Yeah!”, Miz smiled. “I like this so much better. You’re mellowing out, Dougie. It used to be that every time you wrote one of these parody things, I’d come in and do my stuff and then you’d have that stupid vampire from Dark Shadows, Bartholomew, show up and chase me off. I’m so glad we’re beyond that now.”

“His name is Barnabas. You know that, Miz.”

“Barnabas. Bartholomew. Bartleby. Barry Horowitz! I don’t care. I’m here and he’s not and you know what? It’s aweso… he’s behind me, isn’t he?”

And Miz turned around. Standing there, with fangs bared and eyes burning red, was Barnabas Collins.

“Aaugh!”, Miz screamed as he ran from the scene, with Barnabas hot on his tail.

“That never gets old. Call me mellow again, bitch”, Dougie laughed.

And with that, let’s bring this to an end. It’s late and my eyes are getting heavy. I had a few more characters I wanted to play with, but I’ll save those for the next time. It’s too early to go to bed, so it’s off to Netflix to finish watching the new Vince McMahon documentary. Thank you for reading and all the prayers and concerns. I do appreciate it. I’ve got a good fight ahead of me, but with the love and support of all of y’all, I know I’ll be okay. I’ve got this. Thank you!

Ubuntu!