Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Wide Stance, Bears, and A Survey
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Happy Day, my friends. It’s Monday. Yay! Okay, now that I’ve gotten the pretentious bullshit out of the way, I can be real. Yeah, it’s Monday and far too early to be awake. Truthfully though, I’d normally be going to bed right about now. But I have a nurse coming this morning to change out my Wound Vac so I went to bed early last night and after tossing and turning all night, decided to get up. And here I am.

A nurse today, a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 7:45 am, and a nurse visit, plus a trip to the Wound Center on Wednesday. Yes, a busy, yet boring week ahead. But that’s all well and good. For now, let’s just write a Day of Dougie.

I was going to write about the Resident of the White House giving his crackhead son a pardon, but I thought about it and even though it’s not right, I can’t complain or I’d be a hypocrite. Truth is, if I were the President of the United States and my family had legal troubles and pending charges, I’d issue a pardon too. Same with many of my friends who are like family to me. And damn what everyone thinks. Joe may be a senile pedophile and his son may be a total piece of garbage, but it’s still his son and since he has the power to issue a full pardon, why the hell not? I’d do it too. That’s family and I get it. So no bitching about Joe looking out for his kid. There’s more than enough to bitch about with the creepy Pedo in other ways. Let’s go Brandon! Now, let’s move on.

A Day of Dougie. This is where I’ll draw three topics from the Magic Bag and with no advance knowledge or preparation, I’ll write about those topics. And now, I’m reaching into the bag and the Topics of Discussion for today will be Wide Stance, Bears, and Survey. Well, two of these aren’t bad. That survey thing though? I haven’t done one of those in a while. Oh well, let’s get busy and do this.

Wide Stance

I had to sit and think for a moment to remember where this term came from. Some decrepit old white dude Republican Congressman got busted in the bathroom of an airport for allegedly soliciting gay sex and he was said to have a wide stance in the stall. That was his defense for trying to pick up dudes for a quickie. I can’t even remember the clown’s name, but truthfully, I don’t care either. I can understand the wide stance argument since most guys are bad about sitting with their legs spread far apart. It’s a guy thing so the women (and I) can check them out. Also, it’s comfortable to sit that way. It’s not polite in public, but it happens. It’s not a defense for being an undercover brother ho’ though. There’s not enough room in those bathroom stalls anyhow. The Walmart dressing rooms though? That’s a whole different story. Maybe I’ll tell it some time, but probably not. But a wide stance? That’s just stretching things a bit much.

Bears

What kind of bears are we talking about? Care Bears? Grizzly Bears? Big hairy men? There are so many kinds of bears and I like them all. Yeah, I’m a big fan of the Bears. Well, not the Chicago Bears because I don’t watch the NFL, and even when I did, they sucked! But bears in general are cool. Especially the polar bears because they live in the Arctic region and it’s cold there. Ha Ha Ha! Yes, I made a joke. But what can I say about bears? I’ll list my five favorite bears in no particular order. Pooh Bear. Yogi Bear. Boo Boo Bear. Panda Bears. And finally, Koala Bears. And I can’t Bear to write any more about bears, so I’ll just grin and bear it and call this topic barely finished, but still done.

Wait. I just thought about something bear-related that I want to share. Many years ago, my buddy Brent, sent me a huge blue Care Bear in the mail from Connecticut. It was a Grumpy Bear and Brent said that it reminded him of me, grumpy on the outside, but just a big old teddy bear on the inside. I still have that bear and it’s in my bedroom. It’s so damn cool. And so is Brent. But am I really a true-to-life Grumpy Bear? Well, I’ve been called worse. Thank you again, Brent. Love you, brother.

Survey Time

I did a Google Search of MySpace surveys and this was the first one that came up. 47 Questions. Wow! It’s just like being on MySpace again. But the piece of paper from the Magic Bag said “Survey” and who I am to complain? Besides, what else do I have to do right now? So here you go.

Last beverage: Pepsi Zero.
Last phone call: My nurse, Erin, called last night to let me know she’d be here around 8:00 am this morning.
Last song you listened to: A video I made of myself singing the song, “This River”. I’m thinking about sharing the video on FB. I’m not a singer by any means, but I sound OK and like how it turned out.
Zodiac sign: Cancer
Height: 6’0
What are your three favorite colors: Black, Purple, and Hot Pink.
Piercings: I used to have my left ear pierced, but it’s grown closed. I might pierce it again though. I found my old gold hoop earring.
Tattoos: I have 2 1/2 tattoos. I had three, but Thumper got cut in half when I had my leg amputated. I want to get some more though.
First school: St. James Kindergarten in Raleigh, NC.
Believe in luck? Call it luck or call it fate. It’s real.
Believe in love at first sight: 98% of the time, it’s just lust, but every so often, love sneaks its way in.
Believe in Heaven: Absolutely.
Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Almost every day.
Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight? I have in the past, but I quit watching TV a few years ago so now it’s all computer.
Did you ever fail a driver’s test? The driving part, yes. Who knew that you can’t go 42 in a 35 mph zone?
What could you eat any day of the week and never get tired of? Chicken Tenders. It’s my go-to meal.
Last thing you spent money on? Drinks and Gauze Bandages from Walmart.
Do you like the snow? I enjoy watching it come down. Then I enjoy it more when it goes away.
Do you like the outside? I don’t go outside unless I have no other choice.
What makes you happy? I’ll let you know when I figure it out. Eric did.
Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? Many times.
Ever been outside your home country? No, I haven’t.
Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? A few times. Florida, Ohio, and Connecticut all come to mind.
Are you afraid of the dark? No. The darkness is my friend.
Do you believe in true love? I do, but unfortunately, life keeps getting in the damn way.
Do you wear make-up? Do I look like a Tranny to you? I have experimented with mascara before. I looked AWESOME!
How many windows are open on your computer? Currently, four.
Who last texted you? The doctor’s office reminded me of an appointment tomorrow morning.
Who did you last text? My bro-son, Kenneth. I don’t talk to many people all that much anymore.
What are you craving right now? Some fried chicken would be good.
Would you live with someone without marrying them? Absolutely, but to be honest, I’d love to be married so long as it’s to the right guy. And I think I’ve screwed that up, damn it.
What’s irritating you right now? Our stupid-ass annoying dog. I love Sparky and he’s a good dog, but he can be so irritating sometimes.
Do you want any pets: I have one cat and one dog. We had another cat, but he passed away a couple of weeks ago – 23 years old. I’m not ready for another animal yet.
Do you want to change your name: I wish I could change my writing/pen name. I always wanted to use the name Vincent Paul Phillips. But I’ve built a brand with my real name so I’ll just stick with Doug.
Lost glasses/contacts: I hate these damn things, but I can’t see well without them. I can usually keep track of them though.
Been arrested: Not recently. I’ve been a good boy for a while now.
Milk chocolate or white chocolate? Milk chocolate.
Twirl or cut your spaghetti? Twirl.
Do you type fast? Pretty fast, yes.
Do you sing in the shower? I do. I practice all of my Sinatra and Waylon songs in there.
Have you dated someone twice: No comment. I was drunk at the time. Every single one of them.
Moved out of town: A few times to Wilmington, NC, and McColl, SC, but I always ended up coming back to Laurinburg and the house.
Where is your favorite place on earth? My bed. It’s so comfy and warm. The only thing that would make it better would be if Stormie was still laying at the base of the bed sleeping and Eric was laying next to me.
What’s your favorite thing about yourself? I’m still alive.
Something you hate to do? Make phone calls or talk on the phone.
What would be the best gift ever? A certain young man showing up at my door.
Do you wish on shooting stars? Yes, I do.

And there you go. We made it through. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. You can follow me on both X and BlueSky at @Doug28352. And I guess I’ll call it a day here. Take care and be well, my friends. And remember, when you’re torn between having a good day or a bad day, just make it a Day of Dougie, and all will be well with the world again. Something like that anyhow. I’ll see you at the Tiki Bar.

Ubuntu!