Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Experts, Unique, and Christmas Trees
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

You know Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen. Comet, and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzer. But do you recall, Dougie? Yeppers, my friends. It’s me and time for a 12-day series of a Day of Dougie. But fair warning. It’s not the usual Day of Dougie. Still, in honor of the Twelve Days of Christmas, instead of three random topics from the infamous Magic Bag, I’ll draw two random topics of discussion from the Magic Bag, plus one random topic from a special Christmas-themed Magic Bag as well. After all, ‘Tis the season, right? Ho! Ho! Ho!

And no, I’m not doing roll call at the parking lot of the old Kangaroo here in Laurinburg. Well, not intentionally. But anyhow, that’s the deal for the next twelve days. You’re welcome. And I guess now that the intro is out of the way, let’s get to writing random things about random topics of discussion. And a partridge family in a pear tree. Let’s rock!

Before I get to draw out topics from the infamous Magic Bag, here is a speedy medical update. I started HBO treatments today. And now, it’s not watching movies on the computer. It’s lying in a glass tube and being saturated with pure oxygen for 2 hours a day for thirty days. One down and only twenty-nine more to go. It’s every weekday except for holidays. Yay, what fun. But it speeds up healing and I get to watch crime dramas and Animal Planet while listening to my ears quietly pop. I had to go get tubes put in my ears on Wednesday morning to prepare to imitate Michael Jackson, but now that I’ve done that, it should be smooth sailing. Just monotonous and boring. But it is what it is and happy days. Now, let’s get to the topics of discussion. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for something good.

The topics of discussion are Experts & Unique. Wow, that sounds so exciting. And for the Christmas part of this, the topic of discussion is Christmas Trees. Well, fill my stocking and call me Rudolph. I think we can do this. Let’s go.

Experts

These are the people who have all the data, know all the stuff, are full of knowledge, and advise us on stuff so we don’t have to think for ourselves. And usually, they’re just guessing and are full of crap. Example: The doctors and medical experts with Covid. They shut our nation down and destroyed lives with bad advice and policies that made no sense. Our government is full of experts about everything. Our government is filled with dumb-asses.

I know a lot about a few things like customer service, comic books before 2000, and pro wrestling, but I would never claim to be an expert. I’m just a guy with an opinion and I’d expect anyone I’m conversing with to use their mind, have some common sense, and make their own decisions and judgments. So-called experts don’t think that way. They tend to be, “I’m right, and listen to me, period. I know better than you!” That’s why when someone is introduced as an expert on something, I immediately assume they’re lying and making shit up.

Yeah, I don’t trust them. Never really have and even less now. As I get older, screw them. The only opinions that matter are mine and my cat. And what I read on the internet is because the internet never lies. I saw that on the internet so it has to be true, right? I’ve lost my thought here so I’ll move on. But never forget, experts are usually bullshitters with a good vocabulary. Nothing more.

Unique

Unique is one of a kind. Different than everything else in some way, shape, or manner. And every person is unique. We all have some quality or quirk about us that makes us stand out and be different from the rest of humanity. Maybe it’s the personality or the sense of humor. Maybe it’s the fashion sense or how a person handles a situation. But we’re all different and we’re all special in some way or manner. And we’re all unique in our own ways. And I know for me myself, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Christmas Trees

When I think of Christmas trees, two things immediately come to mind. Well, three things. The first is that for a few years, when I was little, Mom would always buy me my own little Christmas tree. She just bought it once, a small, fake white tree, and would bring it out each year for me to make me feel special. Yeah, I was a spoiled kid, but it worked and I cherish those memories.

The second is the tree I had when I lived in my first apartment. My then-roomie, Jack, and I got a full-sized live tree. It may have been borrowed from the Christmas trees we were selling at the store I worked at, but I can’t recall. Being two guys who did nothing but work and party all the time, we weren’t sure how to decorate it so we did what two guys should do in a situation like that. Fake snow, icicles, and rinsed-out Natural Light cans. That’s how we decorated it. And it looked awesome. All the blue and silver with the fake snow. I wish I had taken pictures, but this was before cell phones. It was a beautiful tree and the memories will forever be in my mind.

And there is one more, but I’ll hold off on that. I’m getting tired and I have to be up early to go to the Wound Center and watch TV while in the Chamber. But anyhow, I love Christmas trees. I haven’t put one up here at the house in several years because Mom gets all weird about it and also, with just the two of us, what’s the point? I’ve got some good memories and that’s the important thing. And if I ever decide to do a tree again, I’ve got several boxes of decorations in the attic that are several decades old. I’m ready.

And there you go. One down and 11 more to go as we continue with the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow. Take care, my friends, and Merry Christmas! Love you – mean it.

Ubuntu!