Tossing Salt Presents:
Holiday/Christmas Survey
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Nothing says bored on a Monday night than a good Christmas-themed survey. I really need a life. But here you go. Merry Christmas Eve.

If you had to live in a holiday movie, which one would you choose?

The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I’m not sure if that counts as a holiday movie or not, but Miss Mona (Dolly Parton) and her “girls” sing “Hard Candy Christmas” at the end of the movie, so that counts for something, right? It is a small town with a Ho’ House and Burt Reynolds & Gomer Pyle as the local police. That would be so cool.

What was your biggest holiday cooking or baking fail?

I can’t think of any major failures. I’m actually a pretty good cook and when it comes to the holiday, I tend to go all-out with the big meals and plenty of food.

What celebrity would be the most fun to spend the holidays with?

Alice Cooper, of course. Also, Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes (Jay & Silent Bob), and Brad Williams. A regular party of my favorite celebrities.

If you could spend the holidays in a foreign country, which one would you choose and why?

I’d probably choose the UK, and as for why, I have some friends, Paps & Gary, who I used to work for at Wrestle-Zone.co.uk, who live in the UK and I’d love to meet them in person.

What is the most interesting holiday decoration you own?

Probably a giant rubber rat with red eyes that I bought for Halloween twenty-plus years ago. He’s still creepy.

What is your best holiday hack?

I’m good at baking cookies. And getting kitties out of the trees.

What makes the best last-minute present?

I can’t answer this, but any guy can tell you. This is a family-friendly column so I’ll take the fifth.

What holiday thing do you wish would last year long?

The way that holidays tend to bring people closer together. People are so indifferent or assholes now. A little togetherness is a good thing and much missed.

What is your favorite outdoor activity to do in the winter?

Bitch and complain about the cold before going back inside the house. And snuggling up tight in an Uber-Hug with a certain person who isn’t in my life right now, but I miss very much. I miss those hugs… and him.

What is your favorite winter beverage?

Either Pepsi Zero or Mt. Dew Zero. I don’t change my beverages of choice just because of the weather or season.

What is the coolest holiday decoration display you have ever seen?

There used to be a place in South Carolina, a house that was decorated every year with lights and blow-up decorations called The Candy Cane Wonderland. We took the kids there many times and it was always amazing.

What is one unique way your hometown celebrates the holidays?

We have our annual Christmas parade and decorations put up along Main St. every year, but that’s not unique. I honestly can’t think of anything. My bad!

What one word best describes the holidays for you?

Anxiety!

What is your favorite holiday commercial of all time?

Probably the M&M commercial where the Yellow M&M and Santa come face to face, and both end up fainting. “He is real!”. “They are real!”. It’s a true holiday classic.

What is your favorite holiday flavor?

Is Orange considered a holiday flavor? If not, then it should be. Orange.

In your opinion, what is the most underrated holiday film?

Mixed Nuts. It’s Steve Martin, a very young Adam Sandler, Madeline Khan, and other notable names. It’s odd and kind of a twisted dark nature, but I like it.

If you had to make all of your Christmas gifts by yourself, what would you make?

Cookies. Everyone would get cookies.

How do you get cozy during the holidays?

I sit in my chair, my cat on the table by my side, a Pepsi Zero in my hand, and listen to music while I daydream or write.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Merry Christmas Eve. I love you guys!

Ubuntu!