Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #35
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s Ultimate X Q&A. Let’s do this.

If you could choose one historical event to happen differently, which one would it be, and what would be the new outcome?

I actually tried to sit and give this one some serious thought. I guess I’d say the Lincoln assassination. In my altered reality, John Wilkes Booth would be caught before he had the chance to ruin the play for Mrs. Lincoln. And the President would serve out a full term and bring our country back together after a terrible war.

Do cucumbers belong on burgers?

I hate cucumbers. The only thing they’re good for is the physical gratification of a lonely woman or man. But on burgers? Not only no, but hell no.

If every person on Earth had to wear one color for the rest of their lives, what color should it be?

My three favorite colors are black, purple, and hot pink, so it would be one of those. Black would be too somber all the time, plus it’s probably racist, so no black. Hot pink is too Barbieish so that’s gone too. Let’s go with the purple.

If someone were getting married, what advice would you give them?

Don’t. Okay, I’m kidding. Just make sure it’s the real deal and what you want, and that they’re the right person. Think before you act and don’t rush into anything.

If you could replace all politicians with one type of animal, which animal do you think would govern the best?

Baboons. A group of baboons is called a Congress so it’s fitting in more ways than one.

Would you run naked in a Mall for three minutes for $20,000,000?

Back in the day, when I was drinking far more often than I do now, I would have gladly stripped down and out on a show, no payment necessary. Maybe a beer or twenty bucks. But now? I’d still do it, but show me the money. I’d have to use my chair instead of running, but I’m down.

What’s the one thing men need to do better?

Nothing. We are perfect as we are.

Do you identify as a male, a female, or something else?

Something else. I don’t really care for labels. If I have to identify my gender, I’m male. (looks in pants to check) Yeah, I’m male. But where it really matters? I’m Dougie. ‘Nuff said!

If you could hire someone to do one thing for you, what would it be?

Right now, I need a Latino Pool Boy. Wait. No pool. My bad! A massage therapist would be really nice. Any volunteers? But honestly, a housekeeper. Yeah, that would be perfect.

Have you ever had a paranormal experience?

When I lived out on Pea Bridge, I shared a trailer with the spirit of my landlord’s mother. She was murdered by her husband. Long story. But all of her clothes and personal belongings were stored in a camper in my yard. And you could hear & feel her walking around the trailer sometimes. The perfume she used to wear was very noticeable in the air. She was a very cool woman and my guess was she was just visiting, looking for her son, aka my landlord. Also, when my stepdad passed away at his house from cancer, the clock here at our home fell off the wall at the precise moment he died. It had been there for years and suddenly just dropped to the floor. I got the phone call a few minutes later. That was spooky.

If vegetables had personalities, which one would be the class clown?

Probably the squash. That’s a vegetable, right? But with a name like Squash, it’d either be a complete asshole or a practical joker. I prefer to think positively.

What do you think is the most underappreciated form of art?

Professional wrestling. What those men and women do nightly is the greatest improvisational art form in existence. Simulating battle with very physical activities, while also playing a role and being a character. Doing it all for the entertainment of thousands of people at one time, with little room for error to perform, take the moves, make it look as real as possible, and not injure yourself or your opponent. It takes a very special and talented person to do that. They never get the credit they deserve or the flowers.

What are two things you can never eat for breakfast?

I can’t really think of anything. I eat what I want when I want, and it doesn’t matter if it’s breakfast, lunch, dinner, or a snack. So, what can’t I eat? Wax and olives. Wax, because no one should ever eat wax. As for olives, they’re just nasty as hell. Bleh to that!

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up shop for today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the Soda Shoppe.

Ubuntu!