Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #44
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s Ultimate X Q&A. Let’s do this.

Without mentioning Bob Dylan, who’s the greatest storyteller in music?

This one is tough. Is it Dolly Parton? Maybe it’s Kris Kristofferson? Willie Nelson? There are so many great singers/songwriters who can take a lyric and make it into a mini-novel of magic. The greatest? I’ll play it safe with the Master of the Concept album, where every song takes you on a journey, all with a common denominator. Of course, it’s Alice Cooper.

Would prohibiting alcohol make America healthy again?

Nope. All prohibiting alcohol would do is just piss everyone off and make criminals out of otherwise law-abiding citizens. They tried prohibition once and we all know how that worked out. The negatives of an alcohol ban would far exceed any positives.

What ages a person quickly?

Alcohol, stress, drugs, loneliness, and smoking. Take your pick.

Is there someone you wish you could see in concert (that you no longer can’t)?

The easy answer here is Dr. Hook. Of the original band, only Dennis remains alive. I’d love to see Waylon again too, and maybe Conway Twitty. All talented and amazing entertainers were taken way too soon.

If you could donate $100,000 to any philanthropic cause or charity organization, which would you choose and why?

Another easy answer is Hope in Christ Ministries. It’s a local food bank where I did volunteer work for well over fourteen years until my health got too bad, and I had to give it up. We were often providing food to over a thousand people a week, and that was operating one day a week from a storage building at a local church. There are some amazing people still involved with HIC who continue helping to feed the community, even to this day, and if the opportunity came to help them out again, I most certainly would.

Do you talk to your animals?

Of course, I do. I don’t want to be rude or stuck up when they talk to me. And often, they’re very conversational and have some great advice and wisdom to share.

Do you agree with President Donald Trump that there should only be two genders?

There are only two genders. That is men and women. It’s been proven scientifically and anyone who believes differently is delusional.

Are you a night owl?

It is currently 2:47 in the morning. So, what do you think?

What saved you from your deep dark depression?

A few very special friends, my cat who loves and depends on me, and my sense of responsibility and stubbornness. I can’t give up because I do have responsibilities. I want to give up, but they need me and I have to be here for them, those that depend on me. But honestly, it’s a day-to-day struggle.

Can you accept a girl who smokes?

I don’t like smoking, but I don’t like girls much either so if she wants to smoke, that’s her business. As for guys who smoke, I have and will accept it if it’s the right guy.

Have you ever made out with a stranger?

More times than I care to admit or think about. I used to have low self-esteem, plus a sense of trying to win the approval of others, and that, mixed with a lot of drinking and other issues, led to many nights and days with people I didn’t really know. They looked good and were available and that was all that mattered at the time. Sad, but true.

How do you handle suicidal thoughts?

I remember how I felt when I lost people I cared for, due to suicide, illness, or other reasons. And my love for those I do care about won’t allow the suicidal thoughts to stay. They’re still there at times, but my refusal to hurt those I love and my sense of responsibility to those people supersedes the feelings those thoughts bring.

You’re opening a coffee shop based on your favorite movie. What’s the name and theme?

My favorite movie is Clerks, written and directed by Kevin Smith, but how I’d work that into a coffee shop, I have no idea. I don’t even like coffee. I guess I’d just hire slacker employees, play hockey on the roof, and have sex with dead guys in the bathroom every so often, just to keep things interesting. I’m not even supposed to be here today.

Why do liberal women always record themselves crying?

Because they’re delusional, psychotic, and seeking attention. What other reasons could there be?

Do you have a library card?

I actually do. It’s in my wallet. And true, it expired on 11/20/04, but I still have it. Maybe I should go get it renewed? They just remodeled the library here in Scotland County, and that would give me a reason to go check things out. Hmmm.

How many times do you expect to get married in your lifetime?

At this rate, zero. But if it ever happens, and it will if I ever get off my ass and can convince one very special guy to do it with me, one time only. I just have to get my shit together, swallow some pride, and get my dude back.

What is your favorite thing to do in your free time?

I sleep, read, play on the computer, and pet my cat. That’s my free time.

What is the best response to “I hate you”?

A shrug of the shoulders, mutter OK, and forget about it. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s their loss. Screw them.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up shop for today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the Dairy Queen.

Ubuntu!