Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #53
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s Ultimate X Q&A. Let’s do this.

If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would you change?

I’d have two legs again. The amputation of my right leg changed my life forever, and not in a positive manner. I’ve had to give up so much due to the problems I’ve had with my legs and feet. I would do almost anything to go back to who I once was, and that means having both legs.

When you hear the word “Winner” who is the first person you think of?

My bro, K-Mak. Always fighting the odds, but he has an amazing wife, some incredible kids, and is the strongest, most amazing person I know. He may not always come out on top, but he’ll always be a winner in my eyes.

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without?

The means to write, create, and express myself. It’s my addiction and reason for being. I can give up drinking, dating, and even socializing. I can’t give up writing, nor would I ever want to.

Art gallery or history museum?

This would be a tough decision, but the history museum would win out every single time.

A 10-hour drive, and you can only listen to one artist. Who’s that artist?

Is this even a real question? With 29 studio albums to his credit, plus two with the Hollywood Vampires, and then figure in the boxed sets, Greatest Hits albums, and soundtrack recordings, Alice Cooper. Ten hours still wouldn’t be enough time to listen to it all.

What’s the worst name/slur that you’ve ever been called?

I worked with the general public for over forty years so there isn’t a name or slur that, at some point, I haven’t been called. The worst? I had a customer call me “Sir” once. I thought someone was standing behind me. The disrespect of that clown. And then, he asked if I was the manager. He was serious. I’ve never been so offended in my life. And I thought that me and this guy were cool. Dweeb!

Would you rather have unlimited international first-class tickets or never have to pay for food at restaurants?

I hate to leave my house, so traveling is out. Give me the free food instead. Food is our friend.

Which artist/band with MASS APPEAL would be a great pick for the Super Bowl Halftime Show?

A band with mass appeal? I guess that rules out Alice, right? I’d keep it simple and hard-rocking. I’d go with either Kid Rock or Paul McCartney.

Would you rather accept help or just take care of things on your own?

I’d rather handle things myself. I don’t want to bother anyone.

If you could play one sport professionally, what are you picking?

I’m not athletic so playing sports is not ideal for me. Yeah, I’m a lazy-ass. But, I would make a great professional wrestling manager, in the spirit of Captain Lou Albano, Sir Oliver Humperdink, etc. Piss the fans off and then hide behind my wrestlers while getting in the occasional cheap shot. Yeah, that would be nice. Works for me.

What is preventing you from moving to New York?

I don’t like crowds, crazies, or extra-high prices, all of which New York is well known for having. Plus, I’m a Southern boy at heart. I’ll stay here in NC.

True or False: Family matters more than anything.

I used to believe that’s true. But as I’ve grown older, blood kin will screw you over and hurt you far more quickly than anyone. I love my family, but it’s the family by choice, fate, and life, and not the so-called blood family that matters the most.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette?

Many times. It’s an excellent way to relieve stress and calm down the nerves.

How do you POLITELY tell someone they’re overweight?

I don’t. If a person is on the heavy side, believe me, they already know it and don’t need anyone to tell them. It’s their body and their business, not mine.

What’s one thing you’d do if you knew there were no consequences?

Leave. I’d just pack up my truck and go away, never to return or be seen again. I can’t abandon my responsibilities here or else I’d already be gone.

What can change your mood, good or bad, instantly?

That damn dog of ours. Sparky is a good boy, mostly, but just by being in the room, he annoys the hell out of me and sends my anxiety through the roof. Mom does too, but at least she seems to sense when I’m ready to snap and will usually leave me alone. That damn dog though? Oy vey!

What do you enjoy spending money on?

The people I love and care for. To be able to do and provide for those special few, even if it’s just something simple and small, means more to me than almost anything.

What do you wish more people understand about you?

I’m not trying to be mean or an asshole. I have issues and my way of dealing with stuff is to isolate myself and cope. I build walls as a result and push people away, but when I say it’s me, not you, it really truly is. I wish I could change and be different, but I don’t know how.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up shop for today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the Burger King.

Ubuntu!