Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #72
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s Ultimate X Q&A. Let’s do this.

What artwork would be the crown jewel of your dream home?

Nothing too fancy because I am a simple man with simple tastes. A painting by Andy Warhol or a sculpture by Salvador Dali would be sufficient. Maybe a Hunter Biden original too.

Have you ever tried tea bagging?

I don’t drink… tea. But yeah, it may have happened once or twice.

What is the weirdest thing you ever found while cleaning?

Back when I worked the 3rd shift at Convenient Food Mart, I would regularly find items in the parking lot when I went out to sweep. Money, drugs, a wedding ring, a wig, socks, jewelry, and full packs of cigarettes were all common.

Would you ever start your own OnlyFans page?

If I thought there would be an audience for a middle-aged fat man with one leg, I most surely would. I have skills and it could be fun. And hell, at this point in my life, what have I got to lose?

If you could go back in time and witness any event, what would it be and why?

It’s a tough call because there are many great moments in history, in pro wrestling, in pop culture, that would be incredible to see and witness. I was going to say WrestleMania III, but I just had a different event pop into my head. Live Aid – the New York Stage. That was an event beyond comparison.

What is something odd that you like the smell of?

Coffee and bacon, although that’s not odd. Both are rather popular options when it comes to favorite smells. Odd? How about the smell of rain on the wind, just before a big storm? That’s a very cool, but rather distinct smell.

How many vehicles have you owned?

I’m not totally sure about this, but I counted 12.

Growing up, did you want to have kids?

When I was growing up, I never really thought about it. I just figured it would never happen and was more concerned with work, writing, and booty calls than anything else. Now that I’m much older, that ship has passed, but I wish I had some kids. I kind of do, in an I-adopt-you type of manner, but so far as kids of my own, I never had any, but wish that I had.

What’s the funniest or weirdest thing you’ve seen someone do at a red light?

I’ve witnessed people singing, arguing, picking their noses, playing with their phones, and having sex. Take your pick.

Do people think that you’re older or younger than your actual age?

If I’ve had a haircut and shave, I’ve been told that I look much younger. Hell, sometimes even I forget how old I actually am. Denial is a wonderful thing.

Does BACON belong on Burgers?

Yes, it does. A bacon cheeseburger is a wonderful thing.

What’s the most unusual or surprising thing on your bucket list?

Get married and live happily ever after. That’s the big one. I just need to swallow my pride, make the move to mend some fences and talk that incredibly awesome guy into taking the plunge with me.

Are you giving up anything for Lent?

Drinking alcohol, booty calls, and drugs. I don’t do any of that anyhow these days, but at least, with Lent, I have something to blame for my boring ass life.

If someone offered you 8 million dollars to give up watching football for the rest of your life, would you do it?

I quit watching football several years ago when they started doing that nonsense about kneeling during the national anthem. And I haven’t missed it a bit. So, send me the money and I’ll keep non-watching. Glad to do it.

How were you punished as a child?

With the belt, as needed. As I grew older, extra chores, being grounded, and the classic Mom guilt trip. She’s not Jewish, but no one can lay a guilt trip on someone better than my Mom.

What are you grateful for today?

That I have clean clothes, as a result of doing laundry today, and that the weekend is nearly here, so I get a break from the Wound Center and the HBO Chamber for a few days.

Would you rather live in a treehouse or a castle?

A castle, and it’s not even close. Forty-plus cold and clammy rooms, full of mystique, history, and magic. Okay, I’m thinking about Hogwarts. A castle would still be so very cool. I want one.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the grocery store.

Ubuntu!