Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #102
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s the Ultimate X Q&A. Let’s do this.

What is your relationship with aging?

We’re not speaking right now. Aging is annoying and a little bitch and refuse to have anything to do with it right now. Yes, I’m in full denial.

Are you a fan of cabbage rolls or not?

I like them. They’re not my favorite food, but I do eat them occasionally.

Name a villain who was 100% right.

In the movie, RENT!, Benny is considered the bad guy, but he goes out of his way to look after Roger and Mark, who are freeloading in his building and getting made because Benny wants them to pay rent, plus they fight him every step of the way when he wants to improve things in Alphabet City. Benny seems to be the only one who is trying to get ahead. The rest of the Rent characters are grifters.

If you could relive your high school years again, would you?

If I had the knowledge I have now while reliving those years, then sure. I’d do it. But that’s the only way. If it’s going through that hell again just to be going through it, then no way.

Would you rather have a live studio audience constantly reacting to your life as in a sitcom or be made of clay and live in a stop-motion animation world?

Give me a live audience. Let’s see how many times I can stun them into total and absolute silence.

Have you ever texted a load of stuff to someone, then thought what’s the point and just deleted it?

Plenty of times. I want to reach out and talk, and then I realize, why do I even bother? They don’t care. And I delete it all.

If a condom isn’t available, what can one use as protection?

Use the other holes. No one has ever gotten pregnant from anal or oral sex. It’s just as much fun, but no possibility of babies allowed.

What is something that is widely accepted by society but deeply bothers you?

People smoking pot in public, walking around reeking of grass, and being so open about using marijuana. Everyone has forgotten that it’s still illegal here in NC. The smell makes me sick and it’s so strong everywhere in public these days. I hate that shit!

Why do men like to stay single?

Because women are crazy. Just kidding! Men are creatures of habit and stubborn and don’t like change. We get into a routine and our lives into a set pattern. Finding a partner disrupts everything and nothing is ever the same again. I love dating someone, but I like privacy, my own way of doing things, and my habits as well. It’s a hard thing to balance.

If you were the ruler of your country, what would be the first law you would make?

Pedophiles would be put to death by public hanging, with no exceptions. And in case of a riot or demonstration, looters will be put down and shot.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt?

Not a who, but a where. The Scotland County ABC store. I loved working at that place and when I pass on, many years from now, my ghost can roam the store, scare the asshole drunks, and watch for shoplifters, just as I did when I worked there.

What is your favorite historical event?

July 3, 1966, when a future cool dude made his presence known several weeks early, and was born in Cincinnati, Ohio. And the world was forever changed as Douglas Alan Maynard peed in the face of a Nun, screamed his head off, and reeked of awesomeness.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Orange Sherbert is my current favorite, followed closely by good old-fashioned Vanilla.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would that be?

Go to the beach for a day with my bro, the family, and my dude, and just chill under the sun, by the ocean, sipping on beverages and having a good, relaxing adventure.

Who makes you happy no matter how down you are?

My bro-son, the infamous K-Mak. I love that guy. And if we ever manage to get our shit straight, my dude, Eric. I love that guy too, but in a different way.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the Alibi.

Ubuntu!