Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #104
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s the Ultimate X Q&A. Let’s do this.

If you could magically gain the ability to play any musical instrument, which one would you choose?

The piano. I’ve always had dreams about being able to tickle the ivories.

What is equivalent to flowers for men?

My perv-self wants to say oral sex, but I won’t be that degenerate and state the overly obvious. Food. Men love food. It’s always a good choice.

What will Letitia James’ prison nickname be?

She’ll never see the inside of a prison. She’s too high profile, even if she is an absolute piece of garbage and crooked as hell. Probation, fines, and losing her law degree are the worst she has to worry about. But a prison nickname? How about, Porky Ass?

Which famous person in history would you want to spend the day with?

Aside from the obvious, Alice, Waylon, Joan Rivers, etc., I think I’d like to spend the day with the President of the United States, Donald Trump. It would be a true adventure.

Should illegal immigrants have constitutional rights?

Constitutional rights are for citizens, thus illegal aliens are not entitled to the protections of the laws of the country that they illegally trespassed into.

What is a bad habit that you used to do, but gave up?

Drinking. And random hook-ups on Craigslist, Grindr, etc. Bad health and being broke have changed me quite a bit.

What makes a person instantly unattractive to you?

Someone who lies or steals. I can’t stand a damn thief.

Are ALL liberal women batshit crazy?

In all honesty, ALL women are crazy in some way. All men are too. It’s all a part of being human. But, the liberal women don’t bother to fight it, hide it, or deny it. They embrace the crazy for all the world to see.

Which family member makes the best food?

We all had our talents. Lynn made the best salmon patties. Mom makes the best potato salad. But overall, so far as meal preparation goes, I think the most skilled is me.

Where do you get your news?

Social media, the newspapers, the internet, and gossip from the neighbors.

If you were asked to teach a class on any subject, what topic would you choose?

The lost art of customer service and dealing with the public. Also, professional wrestling, Alice Cooper, and dealing with anxiety, depression, and the daily struggles of life. I’m multi-talented and smart lol.

What is your biggest irrational fear?

I fear that no one can love me or share my feelings and that I’ll be alone forever. And thus far, I’ve been proven correct.

What’s your highest priority in life?

Right now, it’s just to make it day-to-day, and to keep passing the open windows. My cat needs me.

What dreams did you have as a little kid?

I don’t remember. I was very young at the time and that was a very long time ago.

If you could have anything right now, what would it be?

Eric by my side, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and about 48 hours of privacy and no responsibilities.

What type of music are you into?

I listen to everything and anything. Right now, I’m listening to 1940’s big-band music as I type. Earlier today, I was listening to Janis Joplin and The Lemonheads. It all depends on my mood. The only thing I don’t listen to is gangsta-style rap. Anything else is fair game.

What is your all-time favorite drink?

Usually either Pepsi Zero or Mt. Dew Zero. Jack Daniels or a cold Natural Light is good too.

What situations often irritate you or make you angry?

In general, dealing with people for too long, especially my family. And that damn dog of ours. I love that dog, but he is damn annoying even at the best of times.

What would be the title of your memoir?

Tossing Salt: True Lies and Alibis. Either that or True-Life Stories from Convenience Store Hell.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you in your dreams.

Ubuntu!