Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #114
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s the Ultimate X Q&A. My, how the time has flown by. It’s number 114 and I’m still standing. Let’s do this.

Do you know anyone who’s had real success with online dating?

Well, my bro met his wife, who is amazing and awesome, through social media, so there’s one right there. And I met a really cool dude, with whom I had an on-and-off relationship for nearly seven years, through social media as well. So, that would be a yes.

What’s the weirdest or most unexpected song in your playlist?

Probably The Barney Song. I used to mix it in with every tape or CD that I would ever make. Also, a South Park version of In the Ghetto.

Have you ever been fired from a job?

A few times, yes. Supervisors can’t take a joke. You tell them to go screw themselves, and they get all pissed off and fire you. Imagine that!

Which celebrity’s death made you cry?

Waylon Jennings’ death, as well as the passing of Joan Rivers, both made me cry.

If you had to sing one song and get all of the lyrics correct to avoid death, what would it be?

Will The Circle Be Unbroken, as performed by Pop & Mavis Staples, This River, as performed by Danny Aiello, or Pick Up The Tempo, by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson, would all be no-brainers for me.

Would you take Ozempic (the fat drug) to lose weight?

Nope. If I can’t lose weight on my own, I’m meant to be fat. I take enough meds as it is. I don’t need to add any more to the list.

How often do you wash your sheets?

At least once a week. Few things feel better than a crisp, clean set of sheets and blankets.

What’s a trash movie you will defend with your life?

I wouldn’t call them trash movies, but any of the Jay & Silent Bob films. Dick and fart jokes make money and I enjoy them. Kevin Smith is a genius. ‘Nuff said!

If a movie were made about Jasmine Crockett, what would it be called?

Fake Ghetto Bitch!

How many TV channels did you have as a kid?

Sometimes three and occasionally four if the antenna was just right.

MLB has reinstated Pete Rose, and he’s eligible for the Hall of Fame. Thoughts?

This is long overdue and should have been done years ago. Rose should be inducted as quickly as possible.

You’re 13 years old and you just called your mom a c*nt. What happens next?

The funeral will be in three days afterward if I’m lucky. Or she could get pissed off and whoop my ass. Either way, it would not have been good.

What’s stopping you from marrying a woman who slept with 1,000 men?

I don’t date or marry women, so that’s the main thing right there. As far as the numbers go, if I were with a guy who had that kind of body count, so long as that was before me and not while we are together, I don’t care. We all have a past and some wild stuff in it. The past stays in the past, and we’re fine. And besides, once they’ve gone Dougie, there is no going back. Yeah, I am that damn good!

Do you find nose rings unattractive?

If someone likes to wear a nose ring, that’s up to them. I think they look stupid, but what I think doesn’t matter, so long as they’re happy.

If you had a theme song that played every time you walked into a room, what would it be?

It would be this track right here, by Alice Cooper. Hello, Hooray!

If you could book any band, past or present, to play in your backyard, who would it be?

Besides the obvious suspects, I’d enjoy a triple-threat billing of Yelawolf, Struggle Jennings, and Jelly Roll.

Do you attend church regularly? Why or why not?

I don’t attend regularly because I find most churches to be judgmental and hypocritical. And that, plus my anxiety with crowds and strangers, makes it hard to deal with and not a favorite task. I did attend semi-regularly at the Nazarene Church that hosted the Food Bank that I used to work at, but they were the exception and not the rule. While I had issues with some of what they preached, the Pastor was a great guy, non-judgmental, and as good as they come. We had many great discussions about many things, and he was a delight to be around. When he retired and after Miss Sue passed away, it was never the same at that church. And though I tried a few times, I never really felt right again or went back.

What animal besides the donkey best represents the Democratic Party?

The jackass (donkey) is the perfect symbol, but a snake would work just as well. I just hate offending snakes with that suggestion. Maybe a roach? Yeah, that would work perfectly. The Dems and roaches are about as useful as each other. That would be perfect.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the Regal Beagle.

Ubuntu!