Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #115
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s the Ultimate X Q&A. My, how the time has flown by. It’s number 115 and I’m still standing. Let’s do this.

Why are people still wearing masks?

Maybe they’re Batman and are trying to hide their secret identity? Or maybe they’re just ugly and are wearing the masks for our benefit, so we don’t have to look at them. I can’t explain it.

When was the last time you were really angry? Why?

Really angry? A few days ago, but I don’t think it was truly anger. It was anxiety and frustration that boiled over and needed to be released.

Should they pardon Derek Chauvin?

He should never have been convicted in the first place. George Floyd died of a drug overdose. Read the autopsy report. Yes, Chauvin should receive a complete and full pardon.

What’s the most common misconception about you?

People think I’m a nice guy… and I am, until I get pushed too far or have a reason to quit being nice. And then, as many have learned, all bets are off, and as Alice would say, no more Mister Nice Guy!

What’s the most bogus rumor you’ve ever heard about yourself?

I’ve heard rumors that I might be gay. But that’s just a lie started by all the guys I’ve had sex with. Totally unfounded. What will they say next?

Would you ever get plastic surgery?

Nope. I have no reason for it. I like my ugly-ass self, and why ruin perfection?

What’s the weirdest food combo you’ve ever tried?

When I was a kid, I used to love peanut butter and bologna sandwiches. That sounds bad, but they’re pretty good.

Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?

I hardly ever talk to people anymore, so I can’t truly remember. But every time I talk or text with my bro, I make sure to say it, because he’s awesome, he’s my bro, and I do love the guy.

Have you ever lied on your resume?

I don’t consider it lying. I just used a few workplace enhancements to make myself sound better. Nothing more.

Have you ever kept a library book? For how long?

I still have a couple of books that belong to the library at Scotland High School, if I remember correctly. How long? I graduated in 1985. You do the math.

What’s the biggest prank you’ve ever played on someone?

I’m not much of a prankster, and I can’t remember any big pranks that I’ve pulled. But my brother, Jeff, pulled a doozy one time that we still laugh about. Jeff was staying with my oldest brother, Steve, and his wife, Becky. One day, while Becky was at work. Jeff moved every single piece of furniture from their kitchen and living room into the back bedroom of their trailer. When Becky got home, he was sitting on the floor in the empty living room and kitchen. He told her that they got robbed. She freaked. It was a classic prank that will forever be remembered.

Would you ever consider being a nudist?

With this chunky-dunk body, probably not. I don’t want to scare everyone.

Should wearing seatbelts in cars be mandatory?

If you’re an adult, it should be a choice. All mandatory seatbelts do is provide a source of revenue for the police. Yes, I know that wearing seatbelts saves lives, but the driver, if they’re an adult, should be able to make their own choice.

Would you marry someone rich even if you weren’t in love with them?

Right now, I’d marry a tree if it were willing. I’m tired of being alone. I’m getting older and marriage is something I’ve never tried yet. I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I’ve screwed that up and it most likely will never happen, so at this point, anyone who’s willing and asks, I’m down for it. Let’s get married.

Salmon cakes. Yay or nay?

I love them. They are delicious, although I can’t make them. Mine always want to fall apart and are too crumbly. But if someone else can cook them, I’m there. A definite yay!

Have you ever been caught checking someone out?

When I worked at the ABC, I was constantly checking out the guys who came into the store. My coworkers knew what I was doing and would pick at me, but hell, they were doing the same thing, so it was all good. I don’t think the customers ever caught on or realized that they were caught in our lustful gaze. If they did know, they never commented on it or said anything.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the swimming hole.

Ubuntu!