Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #120
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s the Ultimate X Q&A. My, how the time has flown by. It’s number 120 and I’m still standing. Let’s do this.

Jumping Jack Flash or Beast of Burden?

Which song by the Rolling Stones do I like better? The one that was used as the basis for a movie starring the vile and ignorant Whoopi Goldberg, or the one covered by the sleazy comedian who is full of hatred and evil and has a heart and soul as dark as the pits of hell, Bette Midler? Bette at least can sing. I’ll go with Beast of Burden.

Name the worst actor possible to play James Bond.

Who would make a terrible James Bond? I’d love to see him do it, but I don’t think comedian Brad Williams would be right for the role.

What’s the best trip you’ve ever been on?

I’ve been on a few good ones. Trips to Ohio with my family, to Daytona with Michael, Brent, and Hage, to Washington DC with Alex and Wakana, and so many others. But the very best? To Raleigh with Theresa, Chris, and Pat to see Operation Rock & Roll. Great friends, great music, and great memories, as it should be.

Do you think giving black Americans reparations will solve anything? Will it “end the racial wealth gap”?

It wouldn’t fix anything and would only cause more entitlement, more headaches, and possibly a total race war. Why should anyone get reparations for something that they never experienced, paid for by people who didn’t commit any offense? Simple. They shouldn’t.

Would you end a date if he or she ended up being a lib?

At least the sex would be good. Crazy sex is always the best.

You’re on a date, but you can only talk about the last thing you Googled. So, what are you talking about?

We’re talking about the Holocaust and a Jewish Memorial Museum. The conversation could be interesting, but my first joke about black Jews sitting in the back of the oven would probably ruin the mood.

What poster did you have hanging up on your wall as a kid or teenager?

Alice Cooper, Samantha Fox, and the required Farrah Fawcett poster. I think there was, for a time anyhow, a picture of Mr. Wrestling II.

If we only had stick shift vehicles, could you drive?

Nope. I know how, but I don’t have a foot to work the clutch.

In 1989, I was…?

Probably drunk. That was age 23, so yeah, I was just starting to hang out with the Showtime group, the Stoney Crew. If I wasn’t working, I was drunk. Good times!

Who would be on your Mt. Rushmore for TV Game Show hosts?

Bob Barker, Pat Sajak, Gene Rayburn, and Peter Marshall.

You suddenly find yourself on stage for your own TED Talk. With no prior planning, what topic can you discuss for 18 minutes?

Professional wrestling, customer service, comic book heroes, Alice Cooper, the art of being random, being a homo-redneck in America, and unlikely friends are usually the best ones. Take your pick.

Have you slept in a tent?

Many times. My then-neighborhood life-mistake had a nice tent set up in his backyard and we spent many nights there together.

If you could star in any TV show, which one would it be?

I’ve answered this before, but I’ll do it again. Roseanne/The Conners, as a weird cousin, or Shameless as a regular patron I think that at the Alibi Room.

What’s a random fact about you that surprises people?

I think that I’ve learned to say no still surprises a lot of people. It took long enough, but I’ll say no before I agree to nearly anything these days.

What’s something you’re terrible at but wish you were good at?

Making small talk and being around people. I can fake it with the small talk for a little bit, but being around others stirs the anxiety up and makes me pull away. I hate that because I do actually like people, but I can’t relax and enjoy the moment anymore.

If you were a kitchen appliance, which one would you be?

A blender, because I love to mix things up.

If you could invent a holiday, what would it celebrate, and how?

February 4th and it would be National Cool-Person Day. As for why that date, it’s the birthday of the greatest rock & roll entertainer of all time, Alice Cooper, plus it’s also the birthday of my favorite Vice President of my lifetime, Dan Quayle. Two cool people that I respect celebrate their birthdays and I celebrate being cool.

What’s the most out-of-character thing you’ve ever done?

Falling in love and then ghosting. It’s a long story, but I screwed up badly. I acted rashly and stupidly and I’ve regretted it ever since. The feelings scared me and I bailed. I’m an idiot!

If you could be famous for one thing, what would you want it to be?

Writing. And being a cool dude who just happens to be a “genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.” But mainly writing.

If you were a ghost, where/who would you haunt and why?

I’d haunt either the Scotland County ABC Store. I worked there for ten years with some amazing people and great customers. As wild and awesome as Dairy Mart and Nic’s were, and they were incredible with stories and memories I will forever cherish, the ABC was the best. So, a friendly ghost to watch over things and make people question how much they’re drinking? That would work quite well for me.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the free clinic.

Ubuntu!