Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #157
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s the Ultimate X Q&A. My, how the time has flown by. It’s number 157, and I’m still standing. Let’s do this.

If money and ethics weren’t an issue, what scientific experiment would you run if you became a mad scientist?

Probably mind control and Dougie clones. After all, I’m such an awesome dude, one of me can not be nearly enough. So make many and have some minions. Works for me.

What are your favorite ice cream toppings?

Bananas and walnuts. That pretty much covers it.

Do you feel like you’ve discovered your purpose in life yet?

Nope, not yet. It’s all a work in progress.

Doctors are having to warn people not to put potatoes up their anus. Thoughts?

Well damn! There goes my plans for the weekend.

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, what is a man’s?

His cat and cheap booze. Lots and lots of cheap booze.

Elizabeth Warren, do you typically refer to her as a progressive, a Democrat, or a senator?

I typically refer to her as a crazy ass lying psycho bitch.

Wouldn’t you love to step back in time and take a walk with your mother again?

I see my Mom every day. Change that to grandma or father, and I would quickly say yes.

What is a lot of money to you?

Any money is a lot of money. I’m on a fixed income and am only barely scraping by.

What would your stage name be if you were famous?

Everyone should already know this. Vincent Paul Phillips.

Candy Corn: Amazing or Gross?

I wouldn’t call it amazing, but it’s a good snack to nibble on. I like it.

What’s the greatest love song of all time, in your opinion?

You & Me, by Alice Cooper.

If you could become any mythical creature for a day, what would it be?

An Olympian god. Maybe Zeus or Apollo. If I’m going to do something, go big, right?

Is watching porn while married adultery?

There is nothing wrong with looking. Making porn might be a different story, but watching? A couple can do that together and pick up new tricks.

Your girlfriend just spat in your face and slapped you, and is getting more aggressive. What’s the correct way to handle the situation?

I don’t do girlfriends, but I get the point. And it depends. If we’re doing adult play-stuff, it’s all part of the game, and I return the favor or beg for more. If it’s serious, done in anger or disrespect, I shoot them. Or stab them. Regardless of how it’s going down.

Do onions belong on a burger?

I’ll sometimes add them while I’m cooking the burger, but so far as raw onions go, I would prefer to leave them off.

What would you do as a career if you could do anything in the world?

Work as a consultant or writer for the WWE. Or run a weekly blog and talk about stuff. Either/or.

What law would you introduce if you had the chance to make one?

I’d make February 4th a federal holiday. It’s Alice Cooper’s birthday!

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep because of something that happened that day?

Not recently, unless I did and forgot about it. It used to be a regular occurrence, but I’m getting better.

Do aliens exist?

Absolutely. That’s why we have ICE. Deport those illegal bitches.

What are “shower thoughts” called if you only take baths?

Somber soaks.

Who is the WORST comedian of all time?

I can think of many bad ones, but I’ll say either Jimmy Kimmel or Seth Rogen.

Did you get the jab?

Nope. My doctor told me, due to my ongoing medical issues, to NOT take that untested drug. And he was right. I never took it, and I never got COVID. I was the only person at my job who didn’t. I was also the only one who never got jabbed. Go figure.

If you’ve overcome depression or anxiety without medication, what worked for you?

It’s a fight in progress, but what helps me is that I write, I pet my cat, and I’m too damn stubborn to give up or give in.

How old were you the first time you drove a car?

I’m not sure, but it was either 12 or 13.

Were you team Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley on Three’s Company?

Mr. Roper all the way. I liked Don Knotts, but he was trying too hard. Stanley and Helen Roper reminded me of my landlords when I lived in McColl, but not quite as psychotic.

Al Bundy or Archie Bunker?

Al was great, but Archie reminds me of my Dad. Team Bunker for me.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the Wine display.

Ubuntu!