Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #159
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s the Ultimate X Q&A. My, how the time has flown by. It’s number 159, and I’m still standing. Let’s do this.

Should cannabis be as legal as alcohol?

I don’t think so. I hate the smell, and it makes me physically ill. But if it were legalized and regulated as alcohol is, I could live with that. I just wouldn’t like it.

Soy sauce. Are you a fan, or do you find it too salty?

I like to add it to hamburgers as they’re frying in the skillet, but aside from that, I’m not a big fan.

What is the first thing you do after getting home from a trip?

Greet my cat and give him some head-kisses. And pee.

Why do people think it’s okay to treat people so horribly?

People are thoughtless, insensitive, rude, and forget that others have feelings too. People are assholes.

Rumors are circulating that ABC is canceling The View. Do you support this?

It isn’t happening, but I wouldn’t cry if it were true. That show is embarrassing to watch, and the stupidity is outstanding.

If you could step onto any classic film set, which one would it be?

The set of the original Dracula, starring Bela Lugosi. I love old castles and the atmosphere was amazing.

Would you rather $1,000,000 today or a penny every day doubled for 30 days?

I don’t like waiting or trying to figure out math. Give me the million bucks today.

Are women with tattoos attractive?

Some are and some aren’t. It depends on the woman.

What would you be if you had to wear one Halloween costume every day for the rest of your life?

I’d be a vampire. An old tuxedo, Dracula style. I’d rock that shit!

Were you spanked as a child?

Many times, and most of those times, I deserved it. It taught me two things. How to behave and respect.

What’s the first thing you think of when you see Monica Lewinsky?

I’m not sure. It’s the blue dress, the cigar, or the serial rapist, Bill Clinton. All three are associated with her in my mind.

Where would you relocate to if you were forced to leave the country?

I’m not sure, but it’d have to be an English-speaking country. I took both Spanish and Latin in school, but aside from profanity, and singing Ol’ Christmas Tree, I can’t speak either. Probably either Canada or the UK.

Were you a fan of David Letterman or Johnny Carson?

For an entire show and interview, it would always be Carson. I liked Dave, but all I usually watched were the monologue and the Top Ten list.

You’re arguing with a coworker, and all of a sudden, they spit on you. What do you do next?

We fight. While I don’t mind some slobbering in a consensual adult encounter, spitting is not acceptable during an argument, and consequences are to be expected. Someone is getting busted in the mouth.

What is a movie that “everyone” has seen except you?

I can think of several, including ET, Lord of the Rings, Wolf of Wall Street, or the Fast & Furious series.

If you could meet anyone in the world today, who would it be?

Right now, it’d be either Jim, James, Eric, or Jason. I’m feeling lonely and frisky, and all of these guys are very talented in ways to make a person feel appreciated.

Which of the two smells better, fresh-cut grass or bread baking in the oven?

Of the two, I’d prefer the bread.

If you could instantly master one random skill, what would it be?

Writing songs and music. I have a musical in my head about serial killers. I’ve written the basic outline and most of the script. All that’s left are the songs and music.

What’s the fastest way to ruin a first date?

For me, it would be to actually show up.

What’s a weird talent you wish were an Olympic sport?

Playing quarters, with the whole popping a quarter into a glass of beer. I was pretty proficient with that skill in my younger days. I could be a contender.

If you were to visit Fantasy Island, what fantasy would you ask Mr. Rourke for?

To work a major angle at WrestleMania as a manager for a faction of my favorite wrestlers.

If you could have attended a school from a TV show or movie, which one would you have chosen?

Hogwarts. I’m still waiting for my letter.

What are the two things you’d like to ask your pet?

Why do you put up with me, and do you have to talk that much?

Out of the four seasons, what’s your favorite one?

Fall. The cool mornings and nights, but pleasant days. And the hoodies.

Are you the marriage type?

I never thought that I was, but right now, I want to take that walk, say those vows, and share my love more than almost anything else, with the right person, of course.

What is an adult problem that no one prepared you for?

The deaths of my two brothers, my sister, my stepdad, my dad, and more friends and associates than I care to count. It never gets easy, and it hurts more every time. It’s impossible to truly prepare for.

Who is the most famous person from your hometown?

Probably Terry Sanford, who was a former Governor and Senator here in NC.

Would you rather cook or eat at a restaurant?

If I’m in a restaurant, I’m there to eat. But I’d rather cook a meal at home than go out anywhere.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you in the holding cell.

Ubuntu!