Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Psycho Wives, Boone’s Farm, and Washing Machines
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Happy Monday. Yeah, two days in a row. Can you believe it? I’ve only been up for about fifteen mornings, and damn, what a day, already. No, I didn’t sleep half the day away. I was up most of the night, with phantom pain in my foot giving me a fit. I tried to sleep during the night, but my right foot kept cramping up and feeling like I had broken it or something. A throbbing, dull ache, and it was pretty bad.

The only thing is that the foot was amputated three years ago. I’d keep reaching down to where the pain was coming from, and there was nothing there, but a memory. I finally gave up on sleep, came to the kitchen, and took an Oxy. Yeah, I had the doc give me some good painkillers a few years ago when I had part of my other foot removed, and I never used them. Well, I used them now. Just one, but it seems to be helping. My ghost foot still keeps cramping up, but it’s tolerable now. I got a shower, mopped the kitchen, and fed the Straybies, and then finally managed to fall asleep. And here we are now, when I woke up to a text. I’ll explain that in a moment, but let’s find two more topics first.

And the Topics of discussion for today are Psycho Wives, Boone’s Farm, and Washing Machines. That first one is a doozy, and explains my morning. Let’s do this.

Psycho Wives

Last night, while unable to sleep and sitting here at my computer in agony, I started looking through my DMs on Facebook. And allow me to say, if those messages and pictures were ever released to the public, many marriages would end, many prominent people would be revealed, literally, and it would be major scandals for many. Hey Kenneth, if anything ever happens to me, destroy my phone and delete my FB accounts. Our community depends on it. Yeah, I used to be a slut. But don’t worry. I’ll never tell… much. Moving on now, and back to this morning.

I’m going through my DMs and come across a guy I’ve known forever, but haven’t spoken to in three years. Cool dude, always polite and helpful, and yeah, he’s a hottie. I hit on him once, he declined, and introduced me to his brother, his twin. And his twin, he never said no. We ended up getting together multiple times.

But, back to this guy. I saw his profile and sent a message, just saying hello and asking if he was still living in Laurinburg. He had moved away a few times earlier, and I was just being nosy. Nothing notorious. Just trying to reconnect with an old friend. My DM said, “Hey (name retracted).Long time – no speak. How you been doing? Are you still living here in Laurinburg?”. That’s it. That’s the message.

I got a reply back this morning. And here is what it said.

“Yup with his wife U pos don’t ever text or ever ask for him again even think about him at all or it’s gon be ur ass I know where u work U bitch Try me fagget.”

And this was followed by a bunch of emojis, with the angry face, and then the laughing face. I left the punctuation and spelling exactly as it was in the DM. Obviously, she’s not an English major, and punctuation is optional in her world. So, being the gentleman I am, and not wanting to cause any problems, I did a reply.

“Whatever. No need to be a psycho. I just saw his profile while looking through my DMs and was saying hello. Nothing more. I don’t want him or nothing like that. But I won’t message or contact him. I guess saying hey to an old friend isn’t allowed. Stay well. I don’t need the headache.”

And a few minutes later, (Name Redacted) messaged me, apologizing, saying that he explained to his GF that I was just an old friend, and asked how I was doing. And that’s where we stand now. Part of me wants to message back, make a move, and try to hook up, just out of spite for the psycho woman. If I pushed it, I could get him easily, and I know it. He knows it too, and I guess she does as well, which is why she feels so threatened. But I don’t want him, or anybody, right now. Well, I do want someone, but that’s not part of this. I’ll behave, though, and just leave him alone. As I said, it isn’t worth the headaches.

And that was my morning. How has yours been going? Let’s move on and tackle these last two topics.

Boone’s Farm

Boone’s Farm, Strawberry Hill. Just the name brings back memories of some wild times, forty-plus years ago. I think that was every teenager’s right of passage into adulthood at the time. Truthfully, I was more of a TJ Swan type of guy, although Richard’s Wild Irish Rose, Beam’s Choice, cheap ass beer, and any kind of anything with alcohol also were part of the story. And the El Toro tequila. That still makes me cringe. Yeah, alcoholic memories and good times. I remember them well. Well, some of them. Some of those memories, I’ll deny ever happened until my dying day. In the words of Shaggy, “It wasn’t me!”. Let’s move on.

Washing Machines

These new washers suck. Too many buttons to push. I prefer the older ones. And I need to wash clothes tonight. I’m running out of shorts and drawers.

And there you go. I’ve got to take off now. Family business, plus I need to go to the Liquor Store and say hi to some friends, plus inquire about Crown Royal Chocolate. Yeah, I’m on a mission from God! No, that was the Blues Brothers. If I have a sponsor of my long-gone alcoholic desires that seem to be resurfacing, it’d be Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and debauchery. But yeah, that Chocolate Crown. I want some.

So, I’m out of here for now. Be good, and stay humble, my friends. A big shout-out to Theresa, Brent, and Kenneth. My real family. I love you guys. And I’m gone. Make it a Day of Dougie, and love someone. I’ll see you at the Zoo.

Ubuntu!