Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate X Q&A #162
Random Questions from the Land of Tweets
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Every day, my Twitter feed is filled with dozens of random questions. This is where I provide the answers. It’s the Ultimate X Q&A. My, how the time has flown by. It’s number 162, and I’m still standing. Damn, it’s been a while. Let’s do this.

What’s the meaning of your name?

Douglas is a Scottish surname meaning ‘Dark Water’. Alan translates to ‘Man of God’ or ‘Man of the People’. And Maynard, it means ‘brave and strong’. So, my name would mean Dark, but drippy, strong man of the people. Or something of that nature.

If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Let’s go with a big old Barn Owl. HOOT!

Do you ever dream of living somewhere else?

Every waking moment of my life, yes.

Be honest, how many fights did you see in high school, and were you ever involved in one?

I saw many, and was in many, when I went to Maxton High School. I was only in one during my time at Scotland High.

Do you hate math?

I actually enjoy math. I’ve always been good with numbers and took Business Math, which was about basic bookkeeping and accounting as an elective.

Is it wrong for women to wear miniskirts?

If that’s what makes them feel good, why would I care? Go for it?

What is/was your favorite subject in school?

For me, it wasn’t so much the subject as the teacher. If the teacher were cool, I could enjoy the class. If the teacher was worthless, I didn’t care. But my best subjects were English, math, and history.

Do you prefer Miracle Whip or Mayo?

I prefer Micacle Whip. Mayo is too greasy.

How old were you when you were allowed to have a mobile phone?

I was in my mid-thirties when I got my first cell phone. Before that, I had a pager for two years.

Can you name 3 things that are hidden inside your bedroom?

I could, but then I’d have to kill you.

How would you deal with squatters?

My rowdy friends and I would come home and clean house, whatever it takes. And may I say, I’ve got friends in low places. ‘Nuff said! I also have an infamous bro-son, and honestly, what more does a man need?

Who has your back in your family right now?

My real, blood family? Nobody. I’m all alone. My fate-choice-true family? I’ll go with Kenneth, Theresa, and Brent.

What do you miss the most about being a kid?

Having friends and having an active and productive life.

What is one piece of advice you wish you’d seriously taken?

Trust the gut, not the heart. In other words, don’t trust anyone!

If you went to heaven for a day, who is the FIRST PERSON you would look for?

There are so many, it’s hard to choose just one person. But probably my Dad. We weren’t on good terms when he passed, and I’d just want to make sure he knows I love him.

Do you feel any pressure right now?

So much, I rarely know what to do. I’m just playing it by ear and going through the motions, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst with every breath.

Tell me something in your home that is completely worn out?

Me. ‘Nuff said! And the carpet in the hallway and bedrooms. It should have been replaced twenty-five years ago.

Do you wear pajamas to bed?

I wear shorts, and sometimes a t-shirt. What more do I need?

Have you ever had to work more than 70 hours in a week?

I worked in retail for over forty years, and was in management for at least fifteen of those years. Probably more than that. And I broke 70 hours many times.

Are you a hoarder?

I hate to admit it, but yes, I’m guilty.

What is the best song to describe your life right now?

How about Mad World, by Postmodern Jukebox, featuring Puddles Pity Party and Hayley Reinhart.

What habits of other people do you definitely find disgusting?

Smoking, chewing tobacco, sagging pants, and keeping their hot TWIN boyfriend away from me.

Which of the Seven Dwarfs resembles you the most?

I’m 100% Grumpy.

What is the best fried chicken joint?

For the chicken and mainly the taters, Nic’s Pic Kwik. Hey Ken and Dean, why hasn’t #2 been rebuilt yet? I want some damn taters!

Do you see yourself as creative?

So I’ve been told, but that’s not for me to say.

If you are drowning, who do you think would save your life?

Going down. Going down. Going down. Glub! Oops! I guess I’d be fucked!

What do you like most about going to the beach?

The sounds and smell of the ocean, and the peace it brings just looking out over the waves.

What location would you choose if you had the power to make it disappear?

Either Washington, D.C., or the state of California. It’s a tough choice.

Have you kept a really big secret from someone/anyone?

I don’t think so. I’m essentially an open book on everything. Any questions, just ask. Yes, I do have my secrets, but that’s only because no one has asked the right questions yet. I won’t reveal the secrets of others, but so far as my own self, I’m an open book.

What sound do you hate?

The dog walking into the room, the phone ringing, or someone mumbling while trying to talk to me from two rooms away.

If you could sit on a bench in the middle of a beautiful forest, who would you like to sit next to you and why?

Right now, Eric. I miss that dude. I’m such a fucking idiot.

Who do you think is your celebrity look-alike?

Taylor Lautner, of course. We’re identical in every way. Sighs Okay, it’s Jack Black, damn it.

Would you rather be a hero or a villain in a movie?

The villains are always more fun. I’ll be the bad guy.

Do you watch the full ad on YouTube, or do you just skip them?

I love my skip button.

And there you go. Thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. And with that, let’s close up the shop today. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you at the Weed shop.

Ubuntu!