Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Cramps, You, and Jake from State Farm
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Saturday night is all right for fighting. Isn’t that what Elton John said? Or maybe it was, “Hello, big boy! What’s shaking?”. It’s Saturday night, and I’m just sitting here, overthinking life, and listening to Waylon’s new album. Yeah, there’s a new album out by Waylon Jennings. Ten previously unreleased tracks. And it’s excellent. It’s like stepping back in time thirty years and being embraced by a good memory. The album is called Waylon: Songbird. I did a review at the site. Check it out.

And as soon as I wrote that little bit, Mom walked into the room and started talking. Between her and the animals, they do this frequently. If I appear to be concentrating on something, they must speak. Loudly. And about things I care nothing about, and have no interest in. They all make noise to make noise, and my whole body tenses up. It literally hurts… a lot. My head had already started to pound. I’ve been feeling sick and lost all day, and now that I have started feeling better, this. Oy vey. I think I’m going to leave and just ghost for a few days. If I don’t write anything Sunday night, I’m at the motel getting drunk. Damn, I’m just ready to give up and snap. I won’t, of course, but I want to. But Kenneth and Theresa, if I call you needing bail money, you’ll know why.

Okay, now, let’s move on and talk about something else. Still lonely and not with the guy I love, Eric. The house might get repossessed. For some reason, our water pressure sucks. My foot hurts. I’m going to kill a certain someone if I happen to see him anywhere, and though I can’t explain why here, the sick little bastard deserves it. And I need a haircut. Okay, none of those are pleasant topics. So, let’s do the old stand-by and reach into the infamous Magic Bag for some random topics of discussion. That’s what the whole Day of Dougie thing is for, right? So, let’s find some topics. Cramps, You, and Jake from State Farm. Wow! That’s not the usual conversation subjects that come up over dinner. This should be interesting. Let’s roll.

Cramps

When you get that pain, that intense stiffness in a joint, and you know that this is where it ends. I hate that. And the odd thing for me is that the only time I get cramps is in my foot and toes. And it’s always the right foot, the one that isn’t there anymore. Sometimes, I can feel the pain, the foot and toes curling up, and I’m literally in tears. It hurts so damn much. But there isn’t anything there, and it’s all in the mind. Phantom pain, they call it. All I know is that it’s annoying, and damn, it hurts. And there you go.

You

The opposite of me, and what I see when I look at someone else. If not me, then it’s you. Yeah, I’m drawing a total blank here, and I’m just trying to fake it until I make it, and this is passable enough to move to the next topic. Are we there yet? One of my favorite songs by Alice Cooper has both variations of us in the title, called You & Me. I’ll play the video here and move on.

Jake from State Farm

It all started when State Farm, which is my Insurance agency and royally SUCKS, had an idea for a commercial. A real employee, doing real employee stuff, and guess what? People liked it. It wasn’t an actor. Jake really worked there. And then, after a few years, the real Jake was replaced by an actor. Change everything and replace him with a more politically correct and media-acceptable actor. And now we have a new Jake. The kid is a decent actor, but damn it, he’s not Jake from State Farm. I’ll bet he doesn’t even wear khakis in real, daily life. It’s just something to add to the list. State Farm sucks! ‘Nuff said!

And I guess that’s all for now. I’m either going to bed, writing some wrestling Q&As, or going to see what’s shaking on Grindr or MeetMe. Maybe I’ll find myself a Twin or two. Don’t judge me, but I miss Craigslist. The encounters were always more interesting. And far less BS than the clowns today. Damn, who am I trying to fool? I’ll write about wrestling, watch some Shameless, and then go to bed and dream about working or Eric. Anyhow, I’m out of here. I’ll talk to you later.

Ubuntu!