Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Rapid Fire Edition: Tree Houses, White Wedding, Hard Candy & More
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Well, I shaved tonight, for the first time in over a month. I’ve been trimming my face with scissors to prevent the total homeless look, but I decided that I wanted the babyface back again. And though I still have some chin whiskers and the slight moustache, the rest of the face is baby-butt bare. This feels so much better. I’m ready for a twin sandwich now.

Okay, I’m not kidding. But enough about that. I sound like a sicko, demented perv. Well, I am NOT demented. So let’s talk. Welcome to another new edition of a Day of Dougie. And unlike the previous one, it probably won’t take me three days to write it. (Fingers crossed!) And guess what? It’s another rapid-fire edition where I draw a topic from the Magic Bag, briefly monologue about it, and then move on to the next topic, until I get tired. I still won’t have a clue about what the topic is until I draw it from the bag, but these multi-topic editions of the DoD seem to be more fun for me.

By the way, I have YouTube set on mixed shuffle, so in the past few minutes, I’ve gone from the Black Eyed Peas, to Kid Rock, to Sam Cooke, to Dolly Parton, to Bad Company, who is playing right now. I love a good variety of great music. I need a haircut, maybe in the morning. Now, are you ready to rumble? Let’s boogie.

What Say You?

This was an expression used frequently by Bill O’Reilly back when he was the man on Fox News. Travis Tritt also wrote a song about it. It’s a nice way of asking, “What do you want to talk about?”, but not quite as formal. I picked up using it as an expression probably fifteen years ago, when I was receiving regular indoctrination from Fox News, before the world went crazy. It’s a cool piece of phraseology.

Tree House

Thinking back, I’ve had four real treehouses that I remember. One was in Raleigh, in the woods not far from our house. I don’t know who built it, but my mini-me gang and I would hang out there sometimes. Someone burned it down. #2 was at the home we rented in Concord, NC. It came with the house. The other two were here in Laurinburg. One was in Camellia Acres, built by Jeff and Warren. And we had one on the Motocross, put together by myself, Shannon, and Chris D. Good memories, good friends, and good places to hide from the world.

White Wedding

Obviously, this is a song by Billy Idol. It’s also a pipedream. I doubt I’ll ever get married, and even if by some chance, a miracle does happen, there sure as hell won’t be any white. Dairy Mart, Nic’s, Wilmington, The Tyler Family, and a fondness for alcohol throughout the ’90s through 2020 have made sure of that. But in my defense, most of them were cute.

Puppies

Puppies are cute, but they grow up to be dogs. Dogs are cool too, but certified cat person here. I have the scars to prove it.

Dad Jokes

The ones that make you groan instead of laugh, or might produce a smirk, but maybe not. I like jokes, though, and I like dads, so I guess I like Dad jokes too. Just don’t hold me to that.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.

White/Brown

Is this about white privilege and the victimhood of brown people? No, I’m not Fake Rev. Al Sharpton or Joy(less) Reid. I judge people on character and actions. Skin color doesn’t matter, especially if they’re twins. I actually remember what this refers to. A video I saw of a turtle. If it approaches a white object, it will go around. And if the object is brown, it starts ramming and headbutting the object. If I can find the video before I post, I’ll share it here. It’s really cool. And, so far as race goes, it’s just the cover of the book. It’s what’s inside that matters, no exceptions.

Back in the Days

Back in the days, I had tons of wild friends, plenty of great adventures, both good and bad. How the hell am I still alive? And rest was an afterthought. Sleeping was overrated. We lived for the moment, and it was awesome. No regrets! Well, maybe Danny, but oops. Shit happens.

Hard Candy

That assortment of mixed candy that Grandma always had in a jar. Did anyone else’s Grandma do that, or was it just mine? Dolly Parton even wrote a song about it called Hard Candy Christmas, about how bittersweet those moments were. Grandma would give you the candy as a treat, but it was all stuck together, and literally hard as a petrified dinosaur egg. I’ve actually bought packs of that candy mix a few times at Dollar General to cherish the memories of Grandma’s house. Grandma Vick, you were awesome and are missed very much.

Reviews

I did one a few days ago for Waylon’s new album, Songbird. It’s amazing. And coming whenever I get around to it, reviews of Alice Cooper’s new CD, Alice Cooper: The Revenge of Alice Cooper, plus a book by Dutch Mantell, aka The World According to Dutch. Watch out for them. Coming soon.

Queens

Is this about the borough in New York, of the snooty rich people who speak in the third person and own Yorkies? Maybe it’s the men who pretend to be women, but only for entertainment purposes, and not because of gender delusions? Maybe it’s about pets and dogs. Look at the Royal Family in the UK. Ugly. A bunch of dogs. Go out into the street and call their names. Queenie, Duke, Prince. See what shows up. A bunch of dogs. And speaking of dogs, a clip with Brad Williams just popped up on my YouTube feed. In honor of Brad, one word. “DIEGO!”

Jaws

A movie from the 70s where a big fish ate a lot of people. And no one ever felt safe in the ocean again. That was a big ass shark. Hell, I get nervous getting in the shower because of that movie. Well, they wanted to make a memorable movie. It worked. Damn shark!

And I guess it’s time to quit now. I just broke the 1000-word limit that I like to use for my writing. I still feel good and could go for a while longer, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome. So, that’s it for now. I guess I’ll go watch Shameless on Netflix. No, I’m not joining the boycott yet. Maybe later, but that’s my WWE Raw connection, so I’m sticking around for a while.

But so far as this goes, I’m outta here. Thanks for reading, and your continued support. It sure beats a therapist. Have a good one, stay safe, and be good to each other. Happy Day of Dougie. Who loves you, baby?

Ubuntu!