Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Waste of Humanity, Baby Poop, and Wine
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

It’s too damn early to be awake. I shouldn’t complain because it has been a productive morning. Sweep and mop the kitchen, feed the straybies, washing and drying clothes, ordering groceries and goodies from Walmart, refilling prescriptions, and this thing. I’m ready to go back to bed. But I can’t yet. It’s Mom’s birthday. She’s 89 today. All together, kids. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!

And now, let’s hit the Magic Bag for Topics of Discussion. I’ve got Waste of Humanity, Baby Poop, and Wine. I prefer champagne. But anyhow, let’s can the small talk. It’s time for a Day of Dougie. Let’s roll.

Waste of Humanity

Several names immediately come to mind with this topic, but I’ll try to be respectful. And most of the people I’m thinking of have some potential in them, or did at some point, but drugs have taken their toll, and well, what’s left now is just a shell of what was. BUT, there is one name that stands out in my mind. Should I explain? Probably not, but I will anyhow. We have a neighbor, and his name is… I’ll just use the initials. J.B,. And this guy has it all. Looks, personality, a killer body, and charisma to spare. And he’s packing, but that’s not important right now. I just called him ‘Neighbor Boy’.

We met and talked. We interacted a few times. He asked to borrow money. I was hesitant, but I’ll give anyone a chance once. And the excuses started. Even fake e-mails from his ‘boss’ and promises. I realized his game quickly, and detached myself from that person fast. That was hard to do, because that body. The dude has skills. But long story short, we met, we hung out, he showed his true colors, and it was over quickly. And then I start to hear the stories.

Had a girl watch his kids for several weeks, and didn’t pay her, until her Daddy got involved. A record of credit card theft, stealing dogs, and larceny, and other assorted charges. A couple of years ago, he had an accident and lost his hand. Then, a few months ago, he went to prison for fraud. And last week, he got out of prison after a short three-month sentence. He came home on 10/13 and was locked up on 10/13 for larceny and trespassing, refusing to leave someone’s property, probably his Mom’s house. And he’s been in the Scotland County jail since then, under a $250 bond. And no one will take the risk and get him out.

Talk about a waste of humanity. Neighbor Boy definitely qualifies. I actually, for some reason, feel bad for him, and even for a brief moment, considered going down to the jail and bailing him out. That thought didn’t last long. He wasn’t that good. Okay, maybe he was, but I’m more into a better class of loser these days. Hell, I just want Eric, and damn the rest of these guys. But that’s the story of J.B., aka Neighbor Boy. It’s sad, but life has consequences and shit happens. Maybe one day, he’ll learn, but the dude is 39 years old now, so I doubt it.

Baby Poop

Toxic nuclear waste wrapped in a diaper, gifted from a tiny, adorable human. How can something so sweet and cute produce such a vile and repulsive product? Poop is bad enough, but a few wipes, maybe a shower, and all evidence is gone. Take a bath in Clorox, sterilize the entire house, and bring in a Hazmat unit. Five days later, strangers will walk up to you, sniff the air, and ask, “You got a kid, right?” Forget about guns and bombs. If you want to defeat a rival army, just sling a few dirty diapers in their direction. They’ll flee, surrender, and be screaming, “No mas!” within moments. But then again, some things are even too much for warfare. Babies are awesome. I love kids, and they’re adorable. But their poop? No. Just no.

Wine

In the words of a legendary Nobleman from Europe, ‘I never drink wine’. There was a time that I did occasionally partake, but those were the teenage years when anything with alcohol was welcome and acceptable. Of course, I did the Boone’s Farm, the Mad Dog 20/20, Richard’s Wild Irish Rose, and anything else we could get hold of. TJ Swann. Remember that. It was pretty good too. A night of Purple Passion, and I ended up dating a girl for several months. It wasn’t my idea, but I was 18, and damn, that wine was good. Plus, she was an older woman and had a mustang. As I said, I’ve never been a wine guy, but whatever works, right? Remind me one day to tell the story about Greg, Quick Stop, and walking the babies.

And I guess that’s enough for now. I need to go throw a load of clothes in the washer, and another in the dryer. Housework sucks! Stay well, my friends, and be awesome. Have a great Day of Dougie, and I’ll see you in the funny pages.

Ubuntu!