Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Inspirations, Peeing off the Porch, Sweet Meat, and Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Welcome to Wednesday. It’s hump day. So, are you getting humped today? I doubt that I will either. I have a doctor’s appointment later this morning, but there are no humpable candidates at my doctor’s office. Some amazing people for sure, and excellent medical care. If I were straight, I’d be trying to snag me some home health care, but alas, the available crew just wouldn’t work.

So here we are now, and I’m here at the computer, watching the rain come down, and trying to decide what I want for breakfast. Mac & Cheese bowl with the bacon or Mac & Cheese bowl with the Buffalo Chicken mixed in. I hate decisions. I hate rain too. It’s been raining nonstop for three days, and it depresses the shit out of me. Between Ma & the fur babies, and now the rain, I’m looking forward to the doctor’s appointment, so I can calm my nerves and relax for a few minutes. I really need to get a bottle of Jack and a motel room for the night and get away. Any volunteers to come join me? If things go well at the doctor’s, I may just do that tonight to celebrate.

But let’s change the subject and get to the nitty-gritty of things. A Day of Dougie. Three topics from the Magic Bag, and a few questions from Twitter to be addressed, Ultimate X style. So let’s get the bag and do this. Are you ready? I said, ARE YOU READY! The topics of discussion for today will be Inspirations, Peeing off the Porch, and Sweet Meat. Okay, this should be fun. In the words of Tom Tom, a very straight, but sexy guy I know from Facebook, let’s roll.

Inspirations

I know a lot of incredible people who have surpassed all expectations and crashed that glass ceiling in so many ways. Michael, who is a professional wrestler, and is damn good at it. Brent, a creative wonder who has written screenplays, books, done a podcast, printed t-shirts, and has a beautiful daughter. Bill, who wrestled, has a great career and is a great example of success, both personally and professionally. And Derk, another friend who has wrestled, managed restaurants, performed stand-up comedy, and writes and performs music. And now, he’s writing a book. And that barely scratches the surface. I know some amazing people, and they have all inspired me in so many ways. And that’s not even mentioning my ride-or-dies, like Theresa, Kenneth, Bryan, etc. And the few that have stolen my heart, who shall remain nameless here, but we all know who he is. Being around good people who live the dreams, follow the heart, and have that creative flair makes me a better person. Anyhow, I have an idea for a future project. I’ll talk about it later, since this has already gone too long, and there is so much more to go. But these folks. You inspire me. And I love you and thank you for that.

Should juveniles be tried and sentenced as adults for serious crimes?

It depends on the crime, but generally, by the time a kid can speak clearly, they know the difference between right and wrong. Actions have consequences, and if they commit the crime, they do the time, juvenile or not.

Are private schools better than public schools?

Public schools are the shits. Private schools, at least in theory, provide better structure, discipline, and education than the chaos that is a public school. It shouldn’t be this way, but far too often, it is.

Should we ban plastic bottles and bags?

Nope. Just recycle and reuse. They’re too convenient to throw away or get rid of. And F.U. Gavin Newsome.

Peeing off the Porch

My BFF used to live in the country. And part of that included privacy, where if you were outside and had to pee, you whipped it out and did it. It’s not a big deal. For guys, it’s just second nature and not a big deal. I’ve seen kids do it even here in our neighborhood. You can take the boy out of the country, but when you gotta pee, you pee. And most guys do.

If you could throw any party, what would it be like and what would it be for?

Go see the video for Hank Jr., and All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight. I’ll play it here. And that’s how it should be. Just me and my rowdy friends. ‘Nuff said!

Is teaching cursive important to kids in school?

I think it is and should be taught, as it was when I was a kid. But hell, today, most kids can’t print, spell, do simple math, or read at their grade level, so I guess writing pretty isn’t a high priority. Yeah, our education system has really gone to shit.

In your opinion, who was the worst President? Carter or Biden?

Biden, for sure. Carter, I think, at least tried and had good intentions. He didn’t mean to be overwhelmed and a failure. It was just too much, and he tried to do everything himself, thus failing badly at everything he tried. Biden was a crook who only had one agenda, and that was the House of Biden. It was to make money, keep his party in control, and take showers with his daughter, I mean, protect his crackhead son, I mean, keep his tyrant boss, Barack, and power-hungry wife happy. And damn the effects it had on our nation.

Sweet Meat

This was the name of a cassette tape by a comedian named Beth Donahue. It was from the Truckstop Comedy line, which also featured artists like a young Jeff Foxworthy, Jay Hickman, Trucker Wally, and several others. And Beth? Her routine was fantastic. It wasn’t for the faint of heart, and you’ll never look at cookie dough again in the same light, but she was funny. Very funny. And I’ve spoken to Beth now a few times on FB and X. She’s not as active in comedy anymore, but is still an amazing person. I talked about inspirational people earlier, and Beth Donahue is definitely one of those people. I think Sweet Meat is out of print now, but she’s on YouTube. If you see the name, check her out. You won’t regret it.

If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would you meet?

The names that immediately come to mind for me are Ronald Reagan, Waylon Jennings, Joan Rivers, Hugh Prather, and Harley Race. They could all come to that party we spoke of earlier.

If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?

Well, I’m thinking of writing a book. The best of A Day of Dougie. That’s what I was speaking of earlier in the Inspiration paragraph. I’ve got Days of Dougie columns going back over seventeen years, and while many of them are cringe, there are a few gems there as well. Just think of Andy Rooney with a heavy country accent and a mullet. There is enough material there for several books about random nothingness. Would anyone read it? I have no idea, but the idea is currently rolling around in my head. I’ve also written a few short stories that are not comic book or wrestling related, which would possibly make good books. Does anyone know about self-publishing books? (Brent). Hit me up. I have questions.

What’s your biggest life regret so far?

The day I agreed to have my right leg amputated. In hindsight, I think we rushed it and didn’t explore all the possibilities, and could have tried harder to save it. My life changed forever on that day, and I’ve regretted it ever since. I’m glad I’m still alive, and I’m adapting as necessary. I’ve always been good at that, but I can’t help but think there may have been other solutions. And ending things with Eric as I did. I still love him.

And there you go. Thanks for reading and indulging with me this morning. I guess I’m through here now, as I need to get my butt in gear and go see Dr. Neal. Have a great one, and thanks again for the continued support. I’ll catch you later, Gators. Love you, mean it.

Ubuntu!