Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Definition, Finger Cuffs, and Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Yo, yo, yo, it’s your boy, Doug. Isn’t that how we’re supposed to start an introduction? In all the reaction videos that I’ve been watching on YouTube, that’s how ninety-six percent of the videos start. And it is slightly more welcoming than my usual, “How the hell are you?”, right? It’s Wednesday morning, and I’m up getting ready for my weekly trip to the Wound Center. Yeah, I got my schedule back on track, and it’s Hump Day with Dr. Neal. I’m so stressed out, it’s beyond crazy, but surprisingly, this doctor visit usually helps me relax for a bit. I’m out of the house, and Dr. Neal and the WC Beauties are awesome nurses. I’ll get fussed at for sure this week, but those people are good ones, and I don’t even mind.

There is so much stuff on my mind today that I would love to talk about, but time is not on my side, and I have to keep an eye on the clock. If I start going off as I want to, we’ll all be here all day. I’ll suffice it by saying, in a line from the movie classic, Airplane, “I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.” Let’s move on and find two topics from the Magic Bag to speak about. And also, since the list of questions waiting for the Ultimate X has accumulated quite quickly, we’ll do six of them as well. And now that we know what I’m talking about, let’s get busy.

Shit! I forgot to draw the topics of discussion from the Magic Bag. My bad! The topics of discussion are Definition and Finger Cuffs. Wow, this won’t take long. Oh well, now we know. Let’s roll.

Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14?

Unfortunately, I did a lot of things before I was fourteen. Those bastards. Was there ever kissing? Oh yeah, when I was five. The girl next door, Shelley, and I kissed once. I gave her a rock, and she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. She was four. My first girlfriend.

Did you ever find something valuable on the ground?

I’ve found money, wedding rings, drugs, pot, keys, debit cards, and checks. The joys of working third shift at a convenience store. So, that would be a yes.

Definition

How do I define ‘definition’ and write about this? Why was it even in the Magiv Bag? A definition is explaining what something is, or what it means. It’s not a topic for discussion. I define this topic as a pain in the ass and confusing. But hey, at least my cat is adorable. Let’s move on.

What are your hobbies, and how did you get into them?

I write about professional wrestling because I’ve always been a fan, always loved to write, and answered an ad way back in 2001 that was looking for a recapper for WWE RAW. I got the job, and I haven’t stopped since. My other hobbies are listening to music, overthinking my life, and being awesome. And I don’t know where all of that came from. It just showed up one day, and here we are.

What’s a tradition from your family that you cherish?

Not answering the phone and being antisocial. I’m not sure if those are actual traditions or not, but we all did or do it.

Finger Cuffs

This comes from the movie Chasing Amy, starring Ben Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams. Kevin Smith’s third movie is excellent. I think I also remember the mention of magical fingercuffs in one of the Harry Potter movies, but I’m not sure of that. Maybe it was the Big Bang Theory? I don’t know, but they were spoken of somewhere. And now, they’ve been spoken of here as well. I prefer real handcuffs. Especially, the fuzzy kind. Lock me up, baby! Let’s move on.

What would be the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

Call a lawyer and set up trusts for my Mom, my sister, my bro-son, and the family. I’d make sure that everyone I care for is taken care of. And then I’d have a studio built, and take over the internet. Doug Maynard, Unleashed. Now, can you dig that, sucka!

What’s something you’re passionate about that most people don’t know?

My cats, my family, music, and writing. But everyone knows about all of that. Something that most people don’t know? How about Eric? Don’t tell anyone, but I’m in love with the guy. Shhhhh.

And there you go. I’ve got to hurry up and get to stepping now. Stay good, my friends, and thanks for reading. I’ll be back later today with more stuff. Have a great Day of Dougie, and this is your boy signing off for now. I’ll catch you on the flip side.

Ubuntu!