Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day Two: Just for Men, Puppets, Sweet Child & Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtle doves, and Danny Partridge in a pear tree. Two turtle doves? And now I’m thinking about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles taking a bath, using Dove soap to moisturize their shells. It is way too early for this. Thanks a lot, Christmas song. Sighs

So welcome to Day Two of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas, where I do a Day of Dougie for twelve days straight, but with a holiday theme immersed inside each column. Yeah, I’m being merry. Yay! No time for chit-chat this morning, so let’s get right to the Magic Bag and find a few topics of discussion. I’ll add a few Ultimate X questions as well, simply because I like using them to fill things out and pad the piece if I get some lame-ass topics from the bag. I do it for you. Now, what was I doing? The infamous Magic Bag and some topics. I’ve got Just for Men, Puppets, and Sweet Child. Are any of these holiday-themed? Not really, but we’ll make it work. Let’s roll.

Just for Men

The overpriced hair color stuff that allows us males to reclaim our youth and be studs again, by washing away and hiding the gray. Well, I like my gray hairs. They make me look dignified. Okay, I actually look homeless, but that’s because I need a haircut, and all of my facial hair is white. But let’s play with the facts and go with dignity. Allow me to lie to myself. I stayed professional and dignified for over forty years. And now, I’m old, retired, and I’m letting my hair grow out. So bleh to that.

Now, what was I saying? Just for Men. It’s okay, but way overpriced. A bottle of that stuff will run 12 to 15 bucks, while women’s hair color, which is the same damn thing, runs $5. It’s all in advertising and marketing, appealing to the male ego that this hair color is just for them, and most men accept it and play along in a desite to recapture their youth. But, Just for Men, my ass. (And it is!) I’m on to you, and I’m calling you out. So, there you go. Moving on.

Do you care if people gossip about you?

Nope, and why should I? It means I’m on their mind, so that’s a positive thing, right? And usually, the gossip I hear about myself is so far from the truth, so out there, that I get into the story and want to know what happened next. I’m an open book, and if anyone has a question about me or anything I’ve done, just ask, and I’ll tell you if I think it’s any of your business. Or, just for conversation. But until then, just continue to gossip and make things up. Make it good though. Let’s all pretend I have an exciting life. And what happened after that? Inquiring minds want to know.

What are some things that annoy you about work?

What annoys me about my old job? That I’m not there anymore. I worked with great people, had some exceptional customers, enjoyed my job immensely, and made a decent living. That I can’t do that anymore annoys the piss out of me. And so far as my new “job”, being a writer here at the site, I love it, but there is no structure or regular schedule. It makes it hard to focus sometimes. And no one here takes my writing seriously, and I get interrupted constantly because getting in the zone and being creative isn’t nearly as important as hearing about someone that did something twenty years ago, and how everyone is lazy, wrong, and stupid. Yeah, it gets wild sometimes.

Puppets

I guess this is where we make this festive and talk about Christmas puppets and how cute and enjoyable they can be. I like puppets. I used to have a handpuppet of a tiger that I called Hobbes. If I can find a picture, I’ll add it here. Hobbes was my alternate personality, if you will. He even had his own wrestling column called ‘Tiger Tales’. I wrote it, but it was all about the fake cat on my hand. I guess I played with the puppet because talking to a fake tiger seems more sane than just talking to oneself. And how do I make this Christmasy? I’ll go back to the previous question about rumors. Hobbes, my puppet, hasn’t been around for a few years because he moved to the North Pole, where he can chase elves around and play house cat to Santa while they listen to Joe Exotic songs. And there you go. It’s all Christmasy now.

Do you say goodbye to your pets when leaving home?

Of course I do. I tell them where I’m going, when I plan on getting back, and usually ask if they need anything. I don’t want to be rude.

If you could leave today and go back to the 1960s! Would you go?

The ’60s? I’m not sure. The music was great, but I absolutely wouldn’t fit in well. Would I keep my knowledge and personality, and memories of today, or would they be wiped clean and start over? I’d probably end up being blacklisted for being a commie, jailed for being gay, and end up destitute and living on a train as a hobo, traveling from town to town. I think I’d pass on that.

Sweet Child

Two things come to mind as I see this topic. The song by Guns N Roses, Sweet Child O’ Mine, and a small kid, all sweet and smiling, adorable, and a joy to be around. In public. But when the doors close, the horns pop out of the skull, the eyes are filled with fire, and that smirk appears. The sweet child has become pure evil and is looking to bring hell to earth. We all have seen these kids. Some of us have even had these kids. For Mommy and Daddy, they’re perfect angels. For the babysitter, or the teacher, it’s like Hillary Clinton on crack. Yeah, they’re real, and they do exist. So when someone compliments you on having a sweet child, or brags about how sweet their child is, be afraid. Be very afraid. You’ve been warned. And now, here’s Guns ‘N Roses. Sweet Child O’ Mine. Enjoy.

How many people in your life truly see and know you?

I don’t think anyone knows all of me, the true me. Everyone sees the parts I allow them to see. Some see more than others, and there are a couple that see more than anyone else, but we all have our hidden parts, our dark spots, our dirty little secrets that no one is allowed to view.

And there you go, with Day Two in the books. So far, so good.Thanks for reading, and being the awesome folks you are, not just now, but always. Comments, thoughts, questions, ideas for future blogs and Days of Dougie, or dirty pics from the cute guys to share, all are welcome and appreciated. Use the comments here, or reach me at Doug28352@yahoo.com. I’m on X at @Doug28352, so follow me there as well. And I guess that’s all. I’ll be back later today with the wrestling stuff. Stay well and love somebody.

Ubuntu!