Tossing Salt Presents:
!2 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day Three: Karma, Phone Booths, Christmas Activities & Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me three French hens. And now, my mind’s eye sees snooty chickens with hairy armpits being rude to a lost-in-love skunk named Pepe. That song is so weird. Welcome to Day Three of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. It’s wet outside and overcast. I hate this weather. But at least it’s warm. Are you ready? Let’s roll.

No small talk for today. Let’s get right to the Infamous Magic Bad and find some holiday cheer and topics for discussion. And, as per usual, I’ll be adding a few Ultimate X questions to the mix as well. Got it? Good. Now, to the bag and the topics for today. We have Karma, Phone Booths, and Christmas Activities. And now that we know the agenda, in the words of the legendary Joan Rivers, “Can we talk?” And away we go.

Karma

What goes around comes around. It really is that simple. You do right by people, and eventually you’ll be rewarded. If you do people wrong, even if no one knows, sooner or later, it’ll come back and bite you in the ass, and not in the good way. If you dance the dance, eventually, you’ll have to pay the band. Don’t doubt it or ignore it, because when you least expect it, here she comes, ready to stake her claim.

If aliens visit us, who should be in charge of speaking on behalf of humanity?

Send Dolly Parton. Everyone loves Dolly, right?

Is 45 too late to start over in life?

There is no age limit to this. If a change is needed to live and thrive. It doesn’t matter if it’s 45, 25, 65, or whatever the age may be. Age is just a number. Life is real, and what truly matters.

Phone Booths

You know why our world is so screwed up now? Because they took away all the phone booths, and Superman doesn’t have anywhere to change his clothes. Ican’t even remember the last time I actually saw a real, functioning phone booth. Everyone has cell phones now, and nobody carries change, so I guess they’re obsolete. But they were a huge part of Americana for so many years. After all, if it wasn’t for a phone booth, how else would Bill & Ted have completed their history report and saved the Princesses? If I ever become a billionaire, I want a phone booth installed in the corner of my living room, just to confuse the kids. And so Superman can change his clothes. And there you go.

What are some of the best ways to find inner peace?

Music, sleep, alcohol, and writing. And if you’re a good-looking guy, snuggles with me. It works every time, and I promise you, you’ll feel better.

Do beans belong in chili?

Of course they do. That is why they’re called chili beans.

Christmas Activities

So what should I talk about here? Writing letters to Santa, kissing under the Mistletoe, wrapping and sharing presents, hanging stockings by the fireplace, Elf ona Shelf (Hi, Candy), drinking hot cocoa with the mini marshmallows, mailing cards to your friends and family, sharing love and happiness with the family, sitting on Santa’s lap, watching A Christmas Story on TBS, wearing ugly sweaters, and dinking that nasty ass Egg Nog. Did I miss anything? Allof the above, plus lots more. Most importantly of all, remember Jesus is the reason for the Season. Be thankful, share the love, and be a good egg. ‘Nuff said!

Who the f*ck came up with the term “unalived”?

I don’t know, but they’re a woken, overly sensitive dork.

If you could bring back any food from your childhood that’s no longer available, what would it be?

What foods from my childhood are no longer available? I’m not that old. Maybe some Holly Farms Chicken or even better, chicken from the Golden Skillet in Maxton, NC. Nope, I got it. Hot dogs from Jimmy Lee’s Convenient Food Mart. The homemade chili was the absolute best.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, questions, and suggestions are welcome and appreciated. And I guess that’s all for today. I’m going to go lie down for a bit. I’m getting a headache. Take care and stay well, my friends. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I’ll talk to you later.

Ubuntu!