Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day 4: Dollar Tree, Pineapple, Jobs, and Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me four calling birds. What the hell is a calling bird? Is it the many birds sitting on the power lines before a storm? Maybe it’s the two giant crows that occasionally hang out in our back yard and mock the Straybies? Perhaps it’s Jeter screaming out, “I love you!” Yes, Theresa, I saw the video. Very cool.
Whatever it is, the song has it listed for Day 4. And this is Day 4 of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. You’re welcome.

So, what’s on the agenda for today? The usual. Three topics of discussion from the Infamous Magic Bag, plus a few Ultimate X questions from Twitter. Let’s get the bag and see what we find. We have Dollar Tree, Pineapple, and Jobs. I can easily make that last one, Jobs, into a holiday topic, so we’ve got our discussion. Let’s rock & roll, my Peeps. Let’s do this.

Dollar Tree

Price-wise, one of my favorite stores ever. Who doesn’t like everything in the store costing only a dollar? Well, I mean $1.25. Okay, less than $5. But still, everything is cheap. Cheaper than Walmart or the grocery store, anyhow. And who cares if they only have one cashier working at a time, while the aisles are hard to get through due to the stacks of items waiting to be stocked? And, who cares if they only pay minimum wage, and won’t give anyone 40 hours, benefits, or time to breathe while they’re working? The customers are lined up, the one cashier is sweating, and the manager is sitting in their office, ignoring it all and refusing to help. The prices are low, and that’s all that matters. Dollar Tree. Yay for them.

What will you do on January 1st, 2026?

Probably sit here at my computer, listen to music, and drink Mt. Dew Zero.

Suppose you see someone taking baby formula and diapers at a store without paying. WYD?

There was a time that, after all of those many years working in retail, I would have said something, either to the thief or the store employees. But now, I’d probably just ignore them and mind my own business. If we’re at the ABC store, I’ll still call them out. I may not work there anymore, but that was my job for ten years, and I still consider that crowd my work-family. It’s like the mob. I’m not officially an employee anymore, but I’m still part of the staff. So, the booze thieves get busted. The other thieves, not my problem.

Pineapple

Two things come to mind when I see this word. The first is an old rumor that if your partner drinks plenty of pineapple juice, their ejaculation will taste better during oral sex. I haven’t found this to be true as of yet, but I’ll keep testing my male friends to find out for sure, in the name of science, of course.

And the other thing was that pineapple was our safe word at the ABC store, at least between Danny, Maria, and me. If the customers were getting too annoying or stupid, which they often did, say that word and someone would relieve you to take a break, either stocking or going to the back to calm your nerves. Have I ever mentioned that I worked with some exceptional people at the ABC? Well, I did.

You’re trapped in the last tv show you watched, so where are you?

I’m in Cleveland, Ohio, hanging out with Drew Carey and the gang on the Drew Carey show. I just finished Season 7 of my binge-watching on Tubi.

What is something crazy popular that you have no interest in?

Reality TV, Beyonce, or TaylorSwift.

Jobs

I’ve had plenty of them over the years. Mostly in retail, working at Convenience Stores. I’ve been a cashier, deli-manager, assistant manager, store manager, and Director of Night Time Operations (third-shift guy). I’ve also washed dishes, cooked, delivered newspapers, and volunteered at a local food bank for many years. I’ve worked as a writer, reporter, and wrestling columnist aswell. And I sold liquor. So, I’ve done it all. But one of the most interesting jobs was when my Mom was the store manager of Jones, here in Laurinburg. I was 17, and her store needed someone to play Santa Claus. Guess who? It went okay, and I put on the suit and tookpictures with the little delinquents/ Have you ever seen the movie, A Christmas Story? Well, ho ho ho! You’ll put your eye out, kid. Now, move it along. That was me. But the kids got Santa. That was me, too. ‘Nuff said!

Do you get your pets anything for Christmas?

Of course I do. After all, they are my kids, right?

What do you think is the most challenging thing about being in a relationship?

Opening upand thinking about someone else, and not just yourself. Every action or decision involves more than just one person, and that can be a rough change from single life. At least for me.

And there you go. Thank you for reading and for your incredible support. Comments, thoughts, questions, and dirty jokes are all welcome andvery appreciated. I guess that’s it for now. I’ll see you tomorrow with 5 Golden Rings, I mean, Day 5 of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. Be good and love somebody.

Ubuntu!