Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day 5: Kermit, Stoli, Beds, and Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me five golden rings. So my true love is Elton John? Or Ringo Starr? Who else would be wearing five rings? Maybe the Mandarin, from the MCU? Yeah, he wears ten rings, so giving five to me wouldn’t be that big a deal, right? But I don’t wear rings. I only want one ring from one person, and it’s not The Mandarin. Or Elton. Or not even Ringo. Ringo can be at the eventual wedding, though, if he promises to dress up like Mr. Conductor. Now that would be cool.

So, here we are at Day Five of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. I’m so damn stressed right now. No details, but observant readers probably know why. But that’s not on the agenda for now. Let’s jump right into this, Day Five of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. What do I need? Topics of discussion. So, where’s my Magic Bag at? I’m reaching into the bag, and I have Kermit, Stoli, and Beds. We’ll add a few Ultimate X questions, and damn it all, we have a column, Day 5. Let’s do this.

Kermit

The leader reporter for Muppet News, the head of the Muppet Show, and a frog with a heavy inclination towards pork. How does that work anyhow? A frog and a pig? I guess, the same way that Bert and Ernie can still be roommates, play with Rubber Duckie, and just be friends. Some strange things are happening on Sesame Street. Let’s not even get started about Big Bird and Snuffy. But enough on that. Kermit is the man, I mean, the frog. And he’s my second favorite Muppet, right after Count Von Count. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? I’ll try to Google Map it later on today. I miss being a kid. Let’s move on.

What song, regardless of how popular it is, do you consider your personal victory anthem?

There are so many, but this one has worked since the mid ’80s. Waylon, and The Eagle.

At what age does someone officially become old?

According to the Beatles, it’s when I’m sixty-four. But I digress. Age is but a number. My mind will never grow old. My body, though? It has passed, justified and ancient, decades ago.

Stoli

Here is the Christmas part of today’s Day of Dougie. In the movie Rent, when Collins shows up to see Mark and Roger on Christmas morning, he brings food, money, and a bottle of Stoli before introducing them to Angel, who performs Today for You, while wearing a Santa suit. So, it’s all about Christmas, right? And Stoli. It’s a very good and smooth top-shelf Vodka. Tito’s is better and slightly cheaper, but both are excellent if you want a smooth vodka with little to no aftertaste or hangover effects. It’s like drinking water with a good buzz. And there you go. And here’s the scene from the movie. Merry Christmas.

What’s the best museum you’ve ever been to?

I haven’t been to many, but the Museum of Life and Science in Durham, NC, was very memorable and excellent. I went when I was 8, I believe. Life-sized dinosaur statues, a dinosaur egg that was partially crushed, and a python named George. It was awesome and amazing that I can still remember it now. Just extremely ‘tres cool.

Is remote work killing company culture and productivity?

Remote work and remote school. Yeah, the work gets done, but the social skills falter, thework isn’t quite as good in my opinion, and you never get the chance for workplace friendships and stories that will last far longer than any job ever will. All of that is taken away, and it’s sad.

Beds

Beds are good things. Beds are our friends. They provide warmth, comfort, and a place to snuggle and then sleep. My cat likes the bed. Goldilocks did too, trying several until she found the one that was just right. And you know what? I like them too.

Have you eaten Twinkies in the last 10 years?

I have on quite a few occasions. My thing right now is the Hostess Ding Dongs, but I like me some Twinkies too.

Is lab-grown meat a viable ethical alternative to traditional farming?

I guess so, but it’s still nasty and just doesn’t seem right to me. I want real meat, and not that fake-ass shit.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. And no time for a long-winded flowery exit. I just glanced at the clock, and I have to go warm up the truck and head out to see my favorite medical practitioner. Yeah, it’s Hump Day, so I have storytelling with Dr. Neal. I’ll be back later today with wrestling stuff, plus probably Day Six of this, so I can get back on track. Be good, my Peeps, and I’ll see you later. Merry Christmas.

Ubuntu!