Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day Seven: Silver Bells, Peek-A-Boo, Cow Farts, and Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Seven swans a-swimming. Swans are beautiful animals, but from what I understand, they’re mean if you cross them. Kind of like women, but with feathers. I kid, I kid. Women are not mean, except for the really short ones. And that’s only if you date them. Words of experience talking. Why do you think I prefer men now? Dating a psycho, short woman. She was awesome, so long as we weren’t going out. After that, though. Oy vey.

So, it’s Day Seven of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. And I am so freaking on edge and stressed. I literally just cussed out a hamper full of dirty clothes. Even the dog and cat won’t come near me right now. I’m writing to destress, and since I have this project underway, here I am. Let’s get the infamous Magic Bag and figure out some topics for discussion. We have Silver Bells, Peek-A-Boo, and Cow Farts. And of course, I’ll add in a few Ultimate X questions, and damn it all, we’ll have a nice column. Are you ready? Let’s do this.

Silver Bells

Silver Bells. A Christmas classic, made famous by Dean Martin, and covered by roughly a million other artists. But why silver? Why not gold? Why does it matter? I’m just glad that Dean put down his adult beverage long enough to go into the studio and record this holiday classic. Here’s the video. You’re welcome.

What is a foreign country you’d like to visit?

I’m not much of a traveler, and would probably rather stay home than board a plane, get groped by TSA, and travel to distant lands. But, if I were able and the opportunity presented itself, I’d go to England and Greece. England to meet the many friends and acquaintances I made while writing for Wrestle-Zone.co.UK. Hey, Paps, get that couch ready. And Greece for the temples and stories, all the mythological stuff. That was a huge passion of mine as a kid, and to see those places, thousands of years old, that I read about when I was younger, would be amazing.

What are your top three biggest pet peeves?

People, places, and things. Yeah, I’m unpacking my adjectives. Who remembers that reference? Yeah, we’re getting old.

Peek-A-Boo

Damn, I’m drawing a blank here. I guess the game that we all played when attending to babies at some point, where we cover our eyes, then open them up, saying peek-a-boo. Yeah, we all did it, and the kids loved it. Or when a piece of clothing accidentally gets misaligned and shows a nipple or crack. A wardrobe malfunction, also known as peek-a-boo. I see you! Yeah, I’m reaching here, but I warned you that I’m stressed right now.

What’s your favorite gemstone?

I’m not big on gems, but a ruby, my birthstone, is always nice to look at. Let’s go with that.

What would George Floyd be doing today if he were still alive?

Most likely, seeing as how screwed up this world has become, he’d be the sitting Mayor of Chicago. Or hosting a news program on MSNBC. He might even be running a Charity Outreach program. No doubt he’d be helping people and trying to improve his community. (Rolls Eyes!)

Cow Farts

Why is this even a topic from the bag? Yeah, picking things at random can really make for some interesting moments. And here we are. I can honestly say that I’ve never heard a cow fart. I do remember going with my cousin, Clint, and his friends, cow-tipping. And one of Clint’s friends slipped in a pile of what we called Cow-Pow while we were running from a pissed-off moo-cow. We were like ten years old. It was funny at the time. Hell, the memory is still funny now. So, the cows left their mark and obviously were grand poopers. But did they fart? Well, the liberals want to eliminate the mass production of beef due to methane from cows polluting the atmosphere, so they obviously must. Cow farts = global warming. And they wonder why we don’t take them seriously. The more you know.

If you could only listen to one singer or band for the rest of your life, who would you choose?

Either Alice or Waylon. I think everyone already knows that, though.

Did you ever go to summer camp? Did you like it?

I never went to any kind of camp. Instead, during my summers, I went to Hillsborough, NC, Hurricane, WV, or South Point, OH, to visit my dad, Grandma, cousins, etc. And believe me, those summers with Clint and Cliff at my Grandma’s home in Ohio were far better than any summer camp could ever hope to be. True, I missed out on the “One time, in band camp” stories, but I think thecow=tipping, the chicken coop, the pool table in the barn, etc., more than made up for it.

And there you go. Thanks for reading and for the continued support. I’ll be back tomorrow with Day 8, plus I need to catch up on the wrestling things sooner or later. I guess that’s all for now. Please keep Mom in your prayers, and I’ll talk to you later. Merry Christmas.

Ubuntu!