Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day Nine: Fruit Juice, Mad Dog 20/20. Leave Me Alone & Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the ninth day of Christmas (mee, mee, mee, mee, mee)
Nine ladies dancing… Okay, something isn’t right here. Is it the Rockettes? Is it WWE Divas? Who are these ladies, and why are they dancing? Are they working the pole? Is this Coyote Ugly? Who knows who and why? I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it? We’re at Day Nine of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. Let’s get to stepping.

We need some topics of discussion to discuss, right? Let’s get the infamous Magic Bag and see what we can come up with. We have Fruit Juice, Mad Dog 20/20, and Leave Me Alone. We’ll add a few questions from the Ultimate X too. And now, we’ve got a column to write. Let’s do this.

Fruit Juice

Fruit juice reminds me of two things. Baby poop, which, after a nice cup of juice, is green, runny, and toxic waste in a diaper. Break out the Haz-Mat suits and be prepared to gag. I blame the juice. Or making PJ. It’s high amounts of alcohol, fruits, and fruit juice. And generally a memorable time that is neither remembered nor ever spoken about again… ever. Good times, or were they? No one knows for sure, but that PJ, made with the Hawaiian Punch, was good stuff. Or was it? I’ll never tell.

What’s the loudest concert you’ve ever been to?

AC/DC in Raleigh, NC, on October 18, 1988. My co-worker and I went to the show to see AC/DC and Cinderella, and my hearing still hasn’t recovered. Seriously, we could barely hear for nearly a day afterward. It was a fantastic event.

Should white women be allowed to wear braids?

If they want to and can pull them off, then wear the damn things. It’s called freedom of expression, and trying to look good. Go for it.

Mad Dog 20/20

Just hearing those words brings back many memories, some good, and others, not quite as heart-warming. The main one that I remember was hanging out with my friends Wayne, Greg, and Mark. We were drinking Mad Dog and riding around. It was the ’80s, so don’t judge us. Someone had the bright idea of getting slushies from the Express Mart and mixing them with the Mad Dog in the cups so our drinking wouldn’t be obvious. So, we did. Wayne drove a white car. I believe it was a Pontiac, but I’m not sure. We got the Slushies. We mixed in the Mad Dog. We drank. It’s not bad, so we drink more. And my last memory of that day? Wayne’s car was painted on both sides as we drove down John’s Road, with a vomit and slushie mixture. We were all very sick that day. I think I was 17 then. I didn’t drink Mad Dog again for nearly 18 years. Bad doggie. ‘Nuff said!

What would be your perfect day?

A day free of stress, worry, and in the company of Kenneth, the family, Theresa, or Eric, just chilling and watching a movie or two. But since that isn’t going to happen, I’ll have Lou Reed and friends describe a perfect day instead. I love YouTube.

Leave Me Alone

I’m going to cheat again. I tend to push people away when I’m threatened, hurt, stressed, uncomfortable, unsure, or just haven’t had any sleep. I really need to work on that because I’m tired of being alone all the time and having no human contact, often for days at a time. But enough about me. Leave Me Alone? Here’s Michael Jackson. Did I mention that I love YouTube?

On holidays, are you the relax-by-the-pool type or a get-up-and-go adventurer?

I’ll be at the pool, watching the lifeguards, and drinking a beer. I ain’t going nowhere.

What’s your favorite color and what’s your least favorite color?

I’ll do this in two lists of three since I don’t have just one favorite color. I have several. For my favorites, it’s black, purple, and hot pink. And for my least favorite listings, I’ll go with brown, yellow, and gold.

And there you go. Thanks for reading, and for the continued support. Coming up tomorrow, Day Ten. That should be fun. Keep Mom in your prayers, and I’m out of here. Love you, mean it, and Merry Christmas.

Ubuntu!