Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day 11: Old is New, The Hallmark Channel, My Voice, and Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven pipers piping.

Damn. Imagine what I could do with these guys and their bagpipes. Woo woo woo – you know it. It’s Day 11, and the end is rapidly approaching. Have you gotten your Christmas shopping completed yet? Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. And that means today is, as my brother would say, MERRY CHRISTMAS, ADAM!

Mpw, what was I saying? Christmas shopping? I’ve done absolutely none of mine as of yet. I’ll do a Walmart delivery tonight so I can get Mouthie, Sparky, and the Straybies some extra treats for the holidays, but all of the human people? Y’all have to wait. I’ve been too stressed to worry about Christmas or holidays. I will be giving out big ol’ Dougie bear hugs to anyone who comes by the house, but anything else, just know I love and appreciate you, and that will have to be enough.

Some good news to report. We might even call it a Christmas miracle. For the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with a very depressed and miserable Mama. She wouldn’t eat, was sleeping seventeen hours a day, and suffice it to say, it’s been a time. And yes, I was expecting the worst. But yesterday, and now today, she’s gotten up, eaten regularly, and has been very active and talkative. Hell, she was playing Toby Keith CDs very loudly yesterday morning. She’s still being stubborn and refusing to go to the doctor, but it’s a total 360 in every way. I think we dodged a bullet here. Thanks to everyone for the prayers. I’ve been extremely stressed and worried, but the prayers seem to have been answered. Thank you.

And now, let’s get to the meat of the matter, and do an edition of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. I need some topics of discussion. And I reach into the infamous Magic Bag, and the subjects that I withdraw are Old is New, The Hallmark Channel, and My Voice. We’ll add some Ultimate X questions, and we’ve got a column. Yay for us. Now, let’s roll.

Old Is New

What’s the old saying that everything old will come back in style again eventually? I’m sitting here now and watching kids enjoy those new vinyl things to listen to music on, I think they’re called albums, and they’re so excited. This is revolutionary and brand new. And then I think of the hundreds of albums, five crates worth, in my storage building. There are several boxes, dating back to the sixties, in the spare bedroom. Almost everyone you can think of, every genre of music, etc. And it makes me smile. Wait until the kids discover cassettes and then, Columbia House and 12 CDs for a penny. It’s just a matter of time.

Do you feel that you’re young at heart or an old soul?

There isn’t anything young about me these days, except for maybe my sense of humor. Most 12-year-olds would be impressed. My dream car is a VW Beetle. I live for shorts and t-shirts. I still cook using a stove and a conventional oven. Any my two favorite singers, one is in their ’70s, and the other has been dead for 22 years. Yeah, I think I’m an old soul.

Does anyone remember any old-fashioned health remedies used by your parents or grandparents?

My Grandma had a beverage she would prepare, using peppermint, honey, and moonshine, which my Uncles were happy to provide, to help knock out colds and congestion. Would that count?

The Hallmark Channel

There is a channel where every movie is about falling in love, being stalked, abused, and tormented. And then a stranger appears, and all is resolved and right with the world again. That was called The Lifetime Channel. Well, picture the same thing, but all of the movies take place around Christmas time. That’s the Hallmark Channel. The exact same thing, but it’s winter, and you’ll see a Christmas tree in the background.

What’s something more harmful than drugs?

Power. Because power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The best people in the world, and they get control, get influence, and they change entirely, and more often than not, the results are not a good change.

What’s your favorite form of transportation?

My truck, but with someone else doing the driving. I love to ride, but I hate to drive. Go figure.

My Voice

As I showed yesterday with that video, I’m not a singer. I used to soundmuch smoother and better, but the years and abuse have taken their toll. Plus, I talk veryredneck and countrified. The occasional word of proper English will sound itself out, but also the redneck, the Rob Co, and the inner-pro-wrestler will also make their presence felt. That’s why I’m a writer and not a podcaster or singer. After a few brewskis, I could probably fake it untilI make it, but my voice isn’t what it used to be. I can still whisper sweet nothings, but don’t expect any elegant soliloquies, unless you’re expecting sarcasm, profanity, and bad impressions. You’ve been warned.

When you can’t sleep, what keeps you up at night?

The cat, the dog, and the voices in my head. Plus, I worked for several years doing the third shift. And I’ve never slept properly since. Nighttime is my time, and my time is now. Besides, sleep is overrated. ‘Nuff said!

If you had to live in another time period, what would you choose?

That depends. Do I retain my knowledge, skills, memories, and personality of today and now when I travel to that other time, or do I become just another mindless vegamatic walking around? If I could keep everything that makes me who I am, I’d go with the late sixties and early seventies. If my mind is wiped first, I guess it really doesn’t matter.

And there you go. I guess we’ll wrap this up tomorrow, Christmas Eve, and hopefully, I’ll have more good news to share. And remember, no presents this year, but if you want a big old bear hug, swing by the house. And if you’re a cute guy, the hug will be extra tight and firm. Damn, I need a man in my life. But enough on that until I get my life straight and things smooth out around here a bit more. Merry Christmas Adam! Stay awesome, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Ubuntu!