Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day Twelve: Weaves, Crackers, Weasels & Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
Twelve drummers drumming. Twelve drummers? Can I even think of or name twelve drummers? Let’s try. I know Ringo Starr, Phil Collins, the guy from Def Leppard with the one arm, Rick Allen. There’s Tommy Lee, who’s famous for other stuff aside from his drumming, Alex Van Halen, Steven Adler from Guns N Roses, Keith Moon, and Buddy Rich. That’s eight. Pete Best, the guy Ringo replaced in the Beatles, and Charlie Watts. That’s ten. And we’ll round it out with two friends, local dudes, Jeff Sheppard (RIP), and Carman Jeffries. Did I do it? That’s twelve drummers drumming, so hell to the yeah. And now, let’s get on with the column. Merry Christmas Eve.

And now, let’s go immediately to the infamous Magic Bag, known today only as Santa’s sack. Okay, that sounds nasty. We’ll stick with calling it the Magic Bag. We need some topics of discussion, so I’ll have something to talk about besides drummers. So, what’s in the bag? I’ve got Weaves, Crackers, and Weasels. Wow, what a great holiday combination. (Rolls eyes). Well. Let’s add a few Ultimate X questions to the mix, and we’ll make it work. Are you ready, kids? (Aye-aye, Captain!) I can’t hear you! (Aye-aye, Captain!) Let’s roll.

Weaves

Fake hair mixed with real hair to make a person look more hairy. Also, an item commonly found in the parking lot of convenience stores after a weekend night, where the girls from the club have gotten a little rowdy. Ask me how I know? I worked nearly fourteen years of third shift at convenience stores, and I found more weaves and strands of fake hair in the parking lot than lighters, jewelry, drugs, wallets, IDs, debit cards, and articles of clothing combined. If I heard loud voices and saw a pack of slutty women in the parking lot, I knew I’d be finding some strands of hair or weave in the lot later when I swept up, without fail. It’s true. It’s damn true.

If a song played every time you entered a room, what would it be?

My own theme music? It’s a tough call, but I think this Waylon classic would suffice. After all, I have always been crazy.

You just won $10,000 — what are you going to do with the money?

Unfortunately, ten grand really isn’t that much money in today’s world. I wouldn’t turn it down, and I’d be very appreciative, but I wouldn’t go crazy or on a spending spree. I might buy a new computer and update my work area, but aside from that, it’s going into the bank for future use and paying bills.

What do you consider your best physical feature?

Have you seen this long and luscious mullet that is currently growing upon my head? I need to get it trimmed and get a haircut, but it looks and feels great. So, we’ll go with the hair.

Crackers

So, what can I say here without sounding like a white supremacist or racist? Call me a cracker. I don’t care. I think I’m more of a Ritz than a Saltine, but yeah, I’m just a small-town white boy, and names don’t bother or hurt me, especially if there is some word of truth there. Names are just opinions and labels, and guess what? Dougie don’t play that. Call me a cracker. Call me a homo. Call me anything you want, because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter a damn bit to me. I’m all of those, yet none of those. I’m Dougie, and that’s all that matters. And just for the record, I love sliced up summer sausage on a Ritz. It’s a great snack for late at night.

What embarrasses you the most?

Asking for help. I was brought up like Charlie Daniels in that, I ain’t asking nobody for nothing, if I can’t get it on my own. I’ve always been stubborn as hell and independent, preferring to be there for others instead of depending on or asking them for anything. Is it pride? I don’t know, but it’s me and how I am, and how I’ve always been. Unfortunately, I’d had to swallow that pride far more times than I like over the past few years. And it never gets easier. Each time chips away at my heart and soul. I’ll do what I have to, but it’s never easy and often embarrassing.

Which artist has the deeper cuts you connect with more?
Elvis Presley or Guns N’ Roses.

Axl and the boys have some fantastic music, and the songs hit hard. But go back and listen to Elvis and the raw emotion in that unique voice. The magic just cuts right through you and pierces the heart and soul. I have to go with The King on this one. And speaking of Elvis, since it’s Christmas Eve. Here’s Elvis.

Weasels

When I hear this word, one name immediately comes to mind. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. The Weasel was his nickname, given to him by wrestling fans all over the world, and he embraced that alias so very well. The best thing about Bobby was his mouth and the quotes he would often sputter while doing commentary. Nothing was off limits, and no one was safe. So, for this topic of Weasels, let’s give 3 classic Bobby Heenan quotes.

“There’s nothing better than a good, blind referee.”

“I know all about cheating. I’ve had six very successful marriages.”

“The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they’re allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce.”

And there you go. We come to the end of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas, and guess what? I actually managed to do it in twelve days, ending on Christmas Eve. I guess I can adhere to a schedule after all. Yay for me. It’s been fun, and this is a good way to wind up what has been a long and trying year for 2025. I’m not sure what the next year will bring. I’ll hit 5000 posts in just 20 more posts, and I’m torn between giving the site a major reboot, calling it a day, ending the site, or continuing with business as usual after I hit the 5000 post mark, and we begin a new year. I’ll make a decision on all of that soon.

But that’s for later. And this is now. It’s been a wild ride, and I want to personally thank everyone who has tagged along, be it for the wrestling stuff, the Days of Dougie stuff, the stuff from X, or just because you appreciate randomness and have fallen in love with me. To all of you, I say thank you and Merry Christmas. I’m going now to wash clothes, and maybe take a nap. Here’s one more video, a message to all of you from everyone here at the site, DougMaynard.com, Merry Christmas from the Family. I’ll speak to you later.

Ubuntu!