Doug’s Bad Joke Corner
50 Bad & Offensive Jokes
(Adults Only – I Mean It)
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Disclaimer: These are bad. I mean really bad, both in the offensive category and some are just groaners. If anyone is offended, lighten up already. They’re jokes. When it comes to humor, nothing should be off-limits. I don’t care if it’s race, religion, sexual orientation, or anything else. I like to laugh and sometimes groan loudly. And believe me, after these jokes, you’ll probably do both. It’s just a little something to break the monotony. If you think this stuff is sick, you haven’t seen anything yet.

So take the stick out of your butt and get ready to laugh, or at least smirk. And if you dare to call me racist or homophobic because of these, get over it. I’m a gay, fat man with one leg who sometimes identifies as a rich black chick from New Orleans named Joaquina. So blah to that. Now prepare to laugh. You’re welcome.

What did the orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Hypothermia.

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened his gifts yet.

Do you know why Santa’s sack is so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

Why do lesbians hate guys named Richard?

Because they’re dicks.

What do you call a lesbian who has braces?

A box cutter.

What do you call a lesbian Disney character?

Lickey Mouse.

What kind of chocolate do lesbians hate?

Anything that contains nuts.

What kind of food do lesbians love?

Anything they can eat out.

What do a Vegan cat and a Trans 4-year-old have in common?

We all know who’s really making that decision.

What do actors and trannies have in common?

They’re both great at pretending to be something they’re not.

Do you know the best part about banging 26-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go into a store without Robin.

Do you know why white people own so many pets?

Because they’re not allowed to own people anymore.

Why shouldn’t white people swim?

Because crackers get soggy when they’re wet.

Why do aliens only abduct white people?

Because they’re easier to see in the dark.

Why do native American’s hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers, and the Mayflower brings white people.

What do you call a bench full of white people?

The NBA.

What do you call sixty-four white people in a room?

One full-blooded Cherokee.

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?

I’ll see you next month.

What is a lesbian’s favorite kind of contest?

Pie eating.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn’t come on a boy’s face until he’s at least 13.

What is the difference between 9/11 and mowing the lawn?

Mowing the lawn is an outside job.

Why were the Twin Towers upset?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and got plane instead.

What is the worst thing about having a birthday on 9/11?

Party crashers.

What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?

Rolaids.

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll-up.

How do you fit four gay guys on a barstool?

Flip it upside down.

What do you call a gay Pokémon?

A Jigglypuff,

Have you heard about the gay magician?

He disappears in a poof.

What do gay guys and mice have in common?

They both hate pussy cats.

Did you know that women can actually be sexist, too?

But it’s just like everything else. Men are better at it.

What do you tell a woman who has two black eyes?

Nothing. You’ve already told her twice.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

By marrying it.

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

What takes up ten parking spaces?

Five women.

What do you call a failed abortion?

Survival of the Fetus.

Do you know why abortion is considered such a mature topic?

Because it brings out the inner kid in people.

Do you know how the black dude changes the Republicans’ view on abortion?

By getting his wife pregnant.

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t kid yourself.

Did you hear about the UPS driver who had an abortion?

She never delivered.

What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?

A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What is the difference between a dead baby and a granola bar?

About 500 calories.

What do humans and crayons have in common?

Nobody likes the white ones.

Do you know what Beethoven is doing right now?

Decomposing.

How do you surprise your blind friends?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Why was the man fired from the HIV clinic?

Because he kept telling everyone to be positive.

What’s meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?

The guy who gave it to him.

A black man applied for a job with the LAPD.

They shot him down.

What do tampons and white women have in common?

They are both stuck-up cunts?

What do Santa and Bill Cosby have in common?

They only come when you’re sleeping.

Yes, they are bad. Who cares? Laugh a little bit already. You’re welcome. And I’ll see you next time.

Ubuntu!