Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie:
TV Shows, Marriage Checklist, Fireball, and Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Happy Sunday morning, sidewalk, and wishing Lord, that I was stoned. Yeah, I’m listening to Outlaw Country on Spotify as I write this, and they just played some Kris Kristofferson. As usual, my nerves are shot, but I actually have a reason for a change. I woke up to essentially a small lake on our kitchen floor this morning. Thank you, Sparky. He is so used to my being up all night, and last night, I wasn’t. I guess that since he couldn’t go out at 3:30 am, he just let it go on the kitchen floor. That’s my theory. Or the cat did it, but the cat blames Sparky, so we’ll go with that.

But now, the kitchen is mopped, and then I went to take a shower. And that’s not as easy as it seems. I was going fine until I was ready to get out. Dry off the stump, put on the leg, and lift. Well, I lifted, and my one good foot tried to slip. Quick reflexes, some safety bars, and my shower chair, luckily right behind me, saved me from a nasty spill. But I sat there for ten minutes, trying to calm my nerves and breathe right again before I tried standing up and getting out of the shower again. I only shower twice a week, due to the physical struggles involved. Whore baths twice a day keep me clean and smelling pretty. But that scared the hell out of me. I’m basically here alone. Ma is here, but she’s 89 years old and wouldn’t be able to do anything. I’m 90% ready to move someone into this house just to keep an eye on me and Mom and me. My nerves are shot to hell.

And that wasn’t how I planned on starting this novelette on this chilly, winter morning. I’m okay, and Mom’s okay. The cat, the dog, and the Straybies are okay. But as Kristofferson says, I wish that I were stoned. And I don’t even smoke weed. Oy vey. So, here we are, on a Sunday, and I need some topics for a Day of Dougie. But, before I do that, I noticed something on Facebook. All of my ads right now are either trying to convince me to self-publish a book or go see a therapist. I understand the first one since I have spoken about a book of the best of a Day of Dougie, both here and in conversations with others on Messenger. Big Brother is watching and listening, so I hope they enjoy the show. I’d love to see the size of my file in Washington. I’ll bet it’s a doozy. But a therapist? Are they trying to tell me something? It makes me wonder sometimes.

But I don’t need a therapist. I have a cat. And I have y’all. So, we’re good. Now, Day of Dougie. I need some topics of discussion. From the Infamous Magic Bag, I have TV Show, Marriage Checklist, and Fireball. I’ll add a few Ultimate X questions, and damn it all, we’ll call it a column. Actually, we’ll call it a Day of Dougie, but you get the idea, right? So without further delay, let’s roll.

TV Show

To make it interesting, here is the question. A major network gives you the green light for a television series. The catch? You can only use B-List stars for your cast. What five names would you choose, and what would the show be about?

Okay, first we need the premise. If I’m creating a show, it has to be something that I know about, so it would be based in a store. Retail has been my life for 45 years, so that’s the setting. Maybe a liquor store, but let’s say a convenience store for now. It’d be a comedy mixed with dramatic, realistic stories and themes. Probably pretty dark humor. And the stars? Seann William Scott, Taylor Lautner, Nikki Blonsky (Hairspray), Vickie Lawrence, and Pauly Shore. A cast of has-beens mixed with Dougie wit and humor. It’d be a major hit for sure.

Which celebrity would play you in a movie?

In the past, I’ve always said Jack Black, but since I’ve discovered that he’s a moron and suffers from TDS, I wouldn’t allow him the honor. Since we have much in common, nd he’s a very entertaining dude, Marcus Alexander “Buff” Bagwell can play the role of me. It’s Hollywood, so we don’t have to be perfectly identical in the casting, right?

How many tattoos do you have?

I have two and 1/2. I have a little green devil, a Satyr playing his flute, and Thumper, from Bambi, with a Pride background. Unfortunately, Thumper is the half-tattoo as his upper body was chopped off when I had my amputation. Only the bottom part of the bunny is left.

Marriage Checklist

So, what goes on my checklist for a potential husband?> A personality, a kind and warm nature, a sense of humor, and honesty. I can deal with almost anything else, but no lies. Like kids, cats, and food. That’s all essential. And be a guy. Hell, at this point, that’s not even a biggie, and could be worked around. But the bottom line is just be real. We’ll figure out the rest as we go along.

Have you ever sat in a room full of family and felt completely alone?

Far more times than I like to admit. It’s one of the reasons I spend so much time alone now. If I don’t feel accepted or like I truly belong, why bother?

If you were lucky enough to know your Grandpa, what do you remember most about him?

Grandpa Raymond died when I was very young, but I do remember him. Mostly, a tall, skinny old man who wore overalls and chain-smoked Winstons. He would tell us jokes that we were too young to understand, and he would do all the laughing while his wife, my Grandma Vick, scolded him. And he liked to cook. I remember watching him stand over the stove, cooking, a cigarette in his mouth, and ashes occasionally falling into whatever it was he was cooking. And he was a good cook. Maybe it was the extra seasoning of the cigarette ash. A good, hard-working man who rarely sat down or rested. I wish I had gotten to know him better.

Fireball

The perfect sipping brew for these cold winter nights. It’s good stuff, and as I often call it, Anti-freeze for the soul. Though it has whisky in the name, it was actually classified as a Liquor. I forgot the actual reason and difference, but it was not whiskey. It was, as I said, anti-freeze for the soul. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. But as good as it is, Cinerator is better, stronger, and cheaper. The more you know. You’re welcome.

Which book would you give to someone going through a hard time?

HughPrather – Notes to Myself. My friend, Theresa, gave it to me many years ago, and it just hits right and works. I’ve drawn inspiration from the words of Hugh Baby many times, and his writings have helped me get through many a dark moment. All of his other books are awesome as well, but start with Notes to Myself. It’s an amazing read.

Can you be in a relationship and still have random crushes on people?

Crushes are fine. It’s natural and human. It’s how you behave and act on them that makes the difference. I see sexy people all the time, and if I’m single, anything is possible. But if I’m involved with someone, I might look and appreciate them from a distance, but I don’t cheat, and I don’t touch. It really is just that simple.

And there you go. I think that will be all for now. Thanks for reading, and for putting up with my crap. It is greatly appreciated. I’ll probably be back later today with more stuff, but no promises. We’ll just have to see how it goes. Be good, my friends, and Happy MLK Day Eve. I’ll catch you later. Love you, mean it.

Ubuntu!