Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
It’s the Weekend
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

It’s Saturday morning, and I am already exhausted and stressed. More exhausted than stressed, but a few minutes ago, I was absolutely all stressed. I took a shower this morning. My first real shower in over six weeks. And before you say anything, I washed up every day, washed my hair, and stayed clean. I am the master of the whore-bath, using the sink, soapy water, etc. I guess all of that being a ‘ho in my thirties and forties did teach me something useful and had other benefits aside from the obvious. But it was not easy. It was a slow and painful process, and I had a few nervous and scary moments. But I stayed calm, moved carefully, and I endured. And I feel and smell so much better now that it’s over. Old Spice shampoo and body wash. Yeah, the old-fashioned stuff is the best. I’m ready to go somewhere and party now. Too bad that I can’t walk more than a few feet or stand for long unassisted. I guess I’ll just sit here and work on getting back strength in my hands instead. That means write and type on the computer. What fun!

Grape water is the best water. I used to hate grape, but I’m drinking a bottle of Propel. It’s grape, and it’s good. A big shout-out to Barney, the gay purple dinosaur, wherever he is. You make good water. Now, leave those kids alone. Go chill with the Teletubbies or something instead. Oy vey!

The microwave just died. It’s been on its last legs for quite a while, running about 90 seconds, and then quitting, the numbers on the timer, fading from sight. Then hit the reset button, go for another ninety seconds, and it happens again. Mom just uses it to reheat coffee or biscuits from Bojangles, always for a minute or so, so it wasn’t a really big deal. But now, it’s not doing anything. It’s gone. It’s dead. And after only 11 years. Well, damn. I guess I’m getting a Walmart delivery later today after all. Do they even sell microwaves? I’m going to find out.

And the order is complete. A microwave oven, plus a few items like jelly beans, Twinkies, and medical stuff. All the essentials. I love Walmart delivery. But you know what I hate? Washing clothes. I’m on my third load this morning. I let them pile up too much, and I’m running out of clean Ace bandages. I’m slower than I was, but I’m getting shit done.

Well, I got the microwave. And it was a struggle to move the old one and replace it with the new one while working from a wheelchair. But I did it. And it went fairly smoothly. At least it did until someone decided to help. She only stood in the way, tried to take the microwave from my arms, and nearly caused me to drop it a few times. I think I may have gotten loud and cussed a little bit when she came over with a rag to try and wipe it down while I was still holding it in my arms, but we managed and got it set up and working great. Immediately after doing that, I went to my room, lay down, and listened to Melissa Etheridge for a few minutes. And now I’m back. It looks good. Want a Twinkie?

Now it’s Saturday evening. It’s around 9:00, and I’m just waking up. I accomplished quite a bit today, but damn, I really didn’t do anything that mattered. I feel terrible. I’m staring at two-fifths of vodka. I want to get drunk, but I don’t drink alone. And I’m always alone. I’m going back to bed. It’s quiet in there.

Sunday afternoon. Happy Easter. And that is all the people need to know.

Ubuntu!