Happy “Redistribute The Wealth” Day.  Have you paid your taxes yet?  Don’t make WWE Legend Irwin R. Schyster come visit you.  He may bring his brother-in-law and son with him, aka “The Widow Maker” and “Bray Wyatt”.  And you don’t want that to happen, do you?  Pay your taxes!

 

I’m Doug and welcome to a brand new edition of professional wrestling’s most eclectic column, going strong since 2002, the one and only “Tossing Salt – Worldwide News!”.  So how are you doing this fine and lovely Tuesday morning? Are you ready for some wrestling?  It’s been a wild and crazy week for the world of professional wrestling, but that’s all well and good because that’s how we like it.  The WWE had another strong showing last night with RAW and showed once more why it’s the #1 wrestl… I mean “sports-entertainment” show in the world today.  And RAW seems like a good place to start so…

 

 

All the WWE Superstars are out to pay homage to the Ultimate Warrior and we get a great video package.  RIP Warrior.  Big E needs a challenger for the IC title. We’re getting a tournament.  RVD beats Alberto Del Rio with the five-star.  Good match.  Daniel Bryan isn’t here, but video from last week is available.  HHH and Steph talk to Batista and Orton.  HHH wants to get the band back together, but Dave and Randy tell him he’s on his own.  Rybaxel defeats The Rhodes Brothers.  We get some Bo-promo video.  Bo is coming.  Paige defeats Alicia Fox in a better than expected match.  We get a good match with Batista and Orton versus The Usos that ends in chaos when The Shield comes in and sends the two former WWE / World Champions fleeing.  Flashback as we see The Warrior beat Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship.  Paul Heyman rubs in that Brock Lesnar beat “The Streak” and then leads Cesaro to an impressive win over Mark Henry in the IC Contender tournament.  HHH sends Brad Maddox to tell The Shield that they’re wrestling in the main event.  Alexander Rusev destroyed Xavier Woods and then beats up on R-Truth for good measure.  Sheamus defeats Jack Swagger, but sells a leg injury after the match.  WE THE PEOPLE needs some new people.  Damien Sandow talks… a lot.  Big Show listens and then knocks him out.  The Wyatt Family is here.  So is John Cena.  John has jokes.  Bray has truth.  We have a cage match challenged and accepted for Extreme Rules between the two men.  Bray sings and the fans appear impressed.  Fandango has a new dance partner in Layla and in a “blink and you missed it match”, the Dance Fever rejects defeat Santino and Emma.  Stephanie gives Kane a loving pep-talk as only she can do and Kane brings back the mask.  He’s back.  (Insert Jason / Friday the 13th theme here).  It’s “Warrior Week” on The Network.  Wade Barrett over Dolph Ziggler as the IC Contender tournament continues.  Here comes The Shield. They are wrestling 11 guys as Rybaxel, Del Rio, Barrett, 3MB, Fandango, Swagger, Titus O’Neil and Rusev all come out to play.  It’s OINGO BOINGO chaos and despite fighting hard, The Shield gets decimated.  Here comes HHH, Orton and Batista.  They pick up the pieces and in their own style, tell The Shield to “believe in Evolution”. The End.  And that’s how to recap a show.

 

Let’s move on to some thinking time and thoughts-in-motion.  

 

 

Eric Young is the new TNA World Champion.  Really?  I guess Shark Boy had other things to do this week. What is TNA thinking?  No offense to EY, but that’s like the WWE giving their WWE World Championship to Heath Slater or Santino.  Actually, those two scenarios might be kind of fun.  Hmmmmm.

 

Vickie Guerrero is NOT gone from the WWE yet, despite the rumors.  Word is that she’s leaving soon, but don’t count the “Cougar” out yet.  I’ll miss her.

 

James Storm and Gunner have both re-signed with TNA.  Good for them.  Chris Sabin did not.  Nothing smarky to say here.  

 

Low Ki is back in TNA. I thought that he had retired from wrestling.  Or was that Kaval?  I always get those two confused.

 

I keep hearing that Victoria may be joining the WWE as a trainer for NXT.  Works for me as it puts my hopes for her to have “one last run” as the Divas Champion just that much closer to happening.  

 

Congratulations to Daniel Bryan and Bri Bella on their marriage.  Also congratulations to former WWE Diva Eve Torres.  I hate to admit it, but I miss her.

 

The WWE needs to give Darren Young a push.  He could be the Anti-Cena.  They look like brothers, but still.  Imagine this.  Cena is white – Young is black.  Cena is straight – Young is gay.  Cena wears jeans and t-shirts.  Young could coordinate his wardrobe and wear jeans / t-shirts of opposite colors of whatever Cena is wearing.  Just build on their uncanny resemblance and take it from there, much like the Patriot / Dark Patriot storylines from the territory days.  Just have Darren Young mocking and working as a parody of Cena, first as a tribute and then it gets serious as the “joke” becomes Cena’s “evil twin” and an actual problem.  

 

Yeah, ideas like the one above are what I come up with when I’m at work.

 

That was a good tribute to The Warrior last night on RAW.

 

I like the idea of tournaments to determine the top contenders for the title belts, such as the one taking place on RAW.  It makes the belts and titles seem more important and worth something than they usually do.

 

The WWE isn’t using the terms “pay-per-views” anymore.  Now it’s all “special events”.  What’s the old saying?  A rose by any other name?

 

Jeff Jarrett and Ian Rotton are having issues.  Ian didn’t have the money he owed Jeff.  Jeff allegedly slapped Ian’s son.  Karen and Jeff were allegedly drunk.  Ian’s allegedly an ass-clown.  Who needs writers and storylines when the reality is even better.  I wonder how this is going to play out.  It’ll probably just blow over because neither man really needs the hassles right now.

 

Let’s move on.  

 

While at work the other night, at H&L Sweepstakes on S. Main St. in Laurinburg, NC, at the site of the old Subs & Cream (cheap plug), I was thinking about insults and some of the great catch-phrases that are common and used only by wrestlers and wrestling fans.  And I decided to do a “Top Ten” list.  And here you go.

 

 

10.  Jabroni

9.   Curtain Jerker

8.   Ham & Egger

7.   Egg Sucking Dog

6.   Ass-Clown

5.   B + Player

4.   Pencil Neck Geek

3.   Mark

2.   Filthy dirty disgusting skanky brutal bottom-feeding trash-bag hoe.

1.   Nancy Grace Fan

 

You know them.  You love them.  You find a way to use them in daily conversation.  It must be…

 

 

“Walk along one day and do nothing wrong, play by the rules, be a good person, do everything right: it doesn’t guarantee anything.” – Owen Hart

 

“Paul Heyman could shit a better wrestling format in his sleep than Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara could do if they worked on it for twenty years.” – Jim Cornette

 

“When I die, I feel it won’t be from another’s sword but by the unstoppable heartbeat of dreams.” – Jake “The Snake” Roberts

 

“The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Vince Russo has been there in which case the grass is most likely dead.” – Jim Cornette

 

Are you ready for some Q&A?  Let’s do this…

 

 

I would have preferred to see the streak stay alive until Undertaker’s retirement, but if Taker and Vince wanted Brock to be the man, who am I to argue with them?  Brock was their choice so he’s the right guy.  ‘Nuff said!

 

 

There will never be another Jim Ross.  He’s like Gordon Solie, Bob Caudle, etc in that his style and personality were molded by his experience and years coming up in the business.  He’s one of a kind.  As for who I miss that is no longer announcing, Tony Schiavone was damn good when he was inspired in the early days.  His last few years on Nitro were less than great, but since he’s had a chance to be out of the business for a while and recharge, I’d love to see him have another run at the announce table.  And Scott Hudson was well on his way to being a top announcer.  He’d be great to have back in the business again as well.  And I miss Bobby Heenan and Larry Zbyszko as the color guys.  Heenan was one of a kind with the amazing one-liners and smart commentary.  And Zbyszko, he’s just a “Living Legend”.  What more needs to be said.

 

 

It’s a great move for Cesaro and Heyman and the future for this WWE Superstar is looking bigger and brighter than ever.

 

 

Buddy was a talented guy in the ring, but he was too much into the partying and drugs to ever be taken seriously by the promoters.  He had talent, but to be the guy that the company builds and revolves around?  Nah, Buddy was mid-card at best and never advanced beyond that.

 

 

Ron Ritchie comes to mind.  Steve Muslin was cute and there was this kid named Keith Larson…. he was HOT!

 

 

It would take some work, but Ryder has the ability and charisma.  He would just need to be totally repackaged and play it totally serious.  A manager like Heyman or even Zeb Colter would help too in order to give him credibility in his new role.  Just have him do a heel turn on a top star and hold his own.  How about John Cena since Ryder still owes his “friend” some payback for stealing his “girl” (Eve) and then ignoring him when he was down.  Ryder has potential, but he just needs the right story and push to make it work.

 

 

Cyndi Lauper is the most obvious pick for that role.  Another great pick would be Regis Philbin, who has been a strong wrestling fan and supporter for well over forty years and has always featured wrestlers on his shows as often as possible.  And later down the road, Dennis Rodman, Kevin Greene, Tiny Lister Jr. and Kevin Federline (remember his issues with John Cena) could be added to the list.

 

 

Four announcers that I’d love to speak to and pick their brains would be:  Tony Schiavone, Rich Landrum (NWA World Wide Wrestling), Larry Nelson (AWA) and Terry Garvin (USWA, Global).  Four managers would be Gary Hart, Sir Oliver Humperdink, Bobby Heenan and Skandor Akbar.  

 

 

Cesaro versus Dean Ambrose.  That would be great.

 

Moving on again…

 

 

“If I’ve heard this saying once, I’ve heard it a thousand times – Everything happens for a reason. And it possibly does. I just haven’t found the reason that this all happened yet.” – Jerry Lawler

 

“I see a guy over here with a yellow shirt and a brown tie. I like it. It matches his teeth.” – Jim Cornette

 

“I got a busted head, so what, I had a busted head when I was born!” – Joe LeDuc

 

“I searched the world of wrestling and wrestling fans for intellect and I find nothing but ignorance, I search the commissions and officials for justice, and I find prejudices and biases.” – Larry Zbyszko

 

And finally…

 

 

Last week, I asked this question.

 

I’m a second generation superstar who had moderate success as both a singles and tag team wrestler.  Early in my career, I teamed with a “mad dog” for much success and then went on to help break “the enforcer” into the world of wrestling super-stardom when we were a team.  I was a lumberjack of a man for a while and I’ve been called a maniac, but I experienced my greatest success when I quit being serious and just started acting like a clown.  Who Am I?

 

And of course, the answer was none other than Matt Borne.  Early in his career, he teamed with “Mad Dog” Buzz Sawyer, and then later, went on to form a successful tag team with a young future “Enforcer” named Arn Anderson in Georgia.  Borne wrestled in WCW as the character of Big Josh and had his last big run in the WWF as the original Doink the Clown.  

 

And correctly answering were:  Chad Burttram, Jack Crawford, Russell Jackson, Rodney Howard, Brian Johnson, Ken Parkman, Harold Schwan and the boss-man himself, Mr. Bob Magee.  Also, for last week, I accidentially missed the name of Mr. Andy Clarke, who correctly guessed the identity of Loch Ness.  Great job and much thanks to all of you.  Well done!  And now, for the newbie…

 

I’m a former NFL star and ex-Marine who joined the ranks of professional wrestling in the late 60’s.  I’ve had great success in all of the major federations as both a tag team wrestler and a singles star.  But despite all my success, the only title I never managed to get was a singles “World” Championship… However, my son did succeed where I failed and is a former World Champion.  I’m a multi-time NWA United States Champion and am famous for several of my long and bloody feuds with the likes of John Studd, Andre the Giant, Kevin Sullivan & Ric Flair.  For a while in the WWF, I was censored and the WWF would put a big “X” across the TV screen when I applied my finishing maneuver.  I also briefly hosted an interview segment.  I’m a Hall of Famer and two of my grandchildren are currently top stars for the WWE.  Who Am I?  

 

Think you know the answer?  Send your guesses to either my e-mail at Doug28352@yahoo.com or else come visit me at Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/saltpalace and inbox me.  Follow me on Twitter at @doug28352.  And I guess that’s all for today. I just glanced at the clock and I have things to do and people to see.  Thanks for reading.  I’m Doug and I’m out of here.  Have a good week and I’ll see you Thursday.

 

Ubuntu!